How to Get People to Confide in You

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: November 29, 2022 References

Trust is difficult to gain. People are often hesitant to confide in others. If you want a friend or family member to confide in you more, you can take certain steps to create a stronger relationship. You cannot force people to tell you their secrets, but you can show them that you are able to be trusted. Sometimes, it might even be necessary to confront your friend if you think they are struggling with a problem.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Increasing Your Trustworthiness

1
Keep your promises. Before someone can confide in you, you have to demonstrate that you are dependable. If you promise someone that will do something, make sure that you actually do it. Fulfilling your promises regularly will show that you can be trusted.
- If you cannot keep a promise, let the other person know. Rather than just standing them up or falling through, you can give a call or text message telling them why you had to cancel. They will appreciate the gesture.
2
Show vulnerability. Trust is a two-way street. If you want someone to confide in you, you may have to confide in them first. If you find a person trustworthy, you can share with them some of your feelings, thoughts, or problems. Since you were willing to share with them, they may be more willing to share with you.
- Another way to show vulnerability is to be silly in front of them. Do karaoke together. Tell bad jokes. Dance. These activities will strengthen your bond, and they will show that you trust the other person enough to be yourself in front of them.^{[1]
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3
Keep their secrets. If someone shares something personal with you, don’t tell others. People will judge your trustworthiness based on how well you respect their privacy. Even if you are gossiping about people they do not know, blabbing will only demonstrate that you cannot be trusted. They will worry that you are sharing their secrets with other people. ^{[2]
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4
Avoid criticizing others. Complaining, criticizing, or insulting other people can show that you are judgmental. People will be hesitant to confide in you since they will not want to be judged. Try to keep your negative opinions to yourself.^{[3]
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5
Mind your own business. Do not be nosy. Once you're friends with people, it won't be long until they tell you things. However, if you're always asking them to include you or butting into their conversations, they will not trust you. By being nosy, you are signaling that you are more interested in their story than their well-being.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Making Yourself Available

1
Spend time with your friends. People tend to confide in those they spend a lot of time around. They feel more comfortable in their presence. They will also be more certain of your honesty. If you want them to trust you with their secrets, you should prove that you are willing to be there no matter what.
2
Answer your phone. Sometimes, friends need friends on short notice. If your friend calls, try to answer it right away. Promptly respond to their text messages if they are having a problem. If they are upset, offer to come over and talk. While you cannot always be available, you can demonstrate that you are always willing to help them.
- If they call you and you think something is wrong, you may not be able to talk to them right away. You can, however, send a text or email saying, “Hey, I got your call. I am unavailable right now. Is everything ok?” This lets them know that you are concerned about them, even if you were unable to take their call.
3
Help them solve minor problems. People may not confide their deepest secrets in you right away, but by assisting them with small problems, you can slowly build your way up to the big stuff. Perhaps they are struggling with homework, or maybe they need a ride to the doctor’s office. Little favors can help build trust and reinforce your friendship.^{[4]
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4
Allow them to come to you. In most cases, if you try to force someone to tell you something, they will become more defensive. While you can encourage someone to confide in you with gentle and supportive statements, you should not insist that they tell you something.
- If someone has experienced a nasty breakup don't call them and say, "You've got to tell me what happened exactly! Please!" Respect their feelings and say, "I heard what happened, and I'm very sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"
- If you think that there is something seriously wrong with your friend, intervene.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Starting a Difficult Conversation

1
Observe your friend. If you suspect your friend has a serious problem, you may have to intervene. In this scenario, you should be watching carefully for signs that your friend is depressed, angry, or upset. Note any abnormal behavior.
- They may be less talkative than normal.
- They may not be answering your calls.
- They could be sleeping more often.
- Their temper might be shorter.
- They may be missing class or work often.
2
Find a safe, quiet place. Your friend should feel comfortable when you speak to them. The goal is to get them to open up. Find a private location where you will both be comfortable. This may be at either of your homes. Alternatively, you can take a walk together.
3
Express your concern. In a gentle tone, tell your friend that you are worried. Let them know that you have noticed their recent behavior. They may become defensive, so avoid accusative terms. As you do so, inform them that you are there for them.
- You can say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve seemed sad lately. I want to make sure everything is all right. Is there anything you need to talk about? You’re not alone, and I’m here for you.”
4
Ask open questions. Rather than ask “yes/no” questions, try asking questions that will get them to talk about their feelings. These are broad, open-ended questions that give them room to express their feelings.^{[5]
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Research source} Some examples include:
- When did you know?
- How long have you felt that way?
- How did that make you feel?
- How have you been coping?
- If they do not want to respond, don’t push them.
5
Listen patiently. If your friend does confide, allow them to speak. They may need to vent, or they might struggle with how to state their thoughts. Do not interrupt them. Instead, make eye contact, and nod along to their words. Wait for them to stop talking before you speak again.^{[6]
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6
Allow them to cry. If someone you know starts crying, don’t laugh or roll your eyes. Allow them to cry. Ask them what is wrong. If they are not ready to confide in you, sit quietly with them offering support. If you are close to this person, you may rub their back or offer gentle words of encouragement. Let them know that you are there for them no matter what.
- You can tell them, “It’s ok. Let it all out.”
- If they try to apologize for crying, let them know that it is unneeded. You can say, “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s good to cry every now and then.”
7
Validate their feelings. If someone tells you something is wrong, you should tell them that you understand. Let them know that they are allowed to feel the way that they do. You may even want to share similar experiences that you’ve had. This will show that you are not judging and that you understand their feelings.^{[7]
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- Try telling your friend something like “You have every right to feel angry” or “It’s ok to feel sad.”
- Don’t use statements like “Get over it” or “You should be more positive.” These invalidate others’ feelings. Instead of wanting to confide in you, they’ll only want to hide their feelings.
8
Give them space. If the other person says they do not want to talk about it, do not push them. They will only become more defensive and closed off. Instead, you can tell them that you are there for them whenever they need to talk. At that point, you should drop the subject.
- You can say, “I understand, but if you do want to talk, you can come to me. I am always available for you.”