How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: January 10, 2023 References Approved

It can be hard to admit you're being hurt by someone you love, but it's even harder to get the courage to leave. If you're not sure you're quite ready yet, that's okay—but it can be really helpful to start taking steps so you can get out when the time comes. If you're not sure where you should even start, we're here to answer some of your questions. You're not alone, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect!

Part 1

Part 1 of 9:

Establishing an Exit Plan

1
Decide where you'll go when you leave. Even before you've fully made up your mind to leave, start thinking about where you'd go if you had to get out in a hurry. Maybe you have a friend or family member who would be willing to take you in, or you might feel safest at a domestic abuse shelter. By having a plan in place, you'll feel more equipped if a situation escalates and you need to get somewhere safe.^{[1]
X
Trustworthy Source
US Office on Women's Health
U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
Go to source}
- Plan how you'll get to your safe space, as well—you might memorize the number to a taxi service or hide a copy of your car key in case your abuser takes your primary set of keys.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Consider making two exit plans—one for how you'll leave if you have plenty of time to get out, and one for what you'll do if you need to if you need to leave at a moment's notice.^{[3]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  WomensLaw.org
  Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence.
  Go to source}
- If you have children, decide whether it would be safer to take them with you or leave them at home. If you think they'd be in danger, bring them when you leave. However, if your abuser never targets them, it may be safer if you leave alone at first.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
2
Save some money if you can. If possible, set aside a few dollars a week—just enough that your abuser won't notice it's gone. Even a little extra cash can be really helpful when you're trying to get away from an abusive home. Either stash away some cash in a hidden spot or open a separate checking account without your abuser's name on it.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source
WomensLaw.org
Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence.
Go to source}
- Unfortunately, it's common for abusers to control the money in the household. Even if you can't put any money aside, you can still get help from local domestic violence groups and shelters.

Part 2

Part 2 of 9:

Packing any Belongings

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Take important paperwork and a few necessities. If you have time to pack, get together your essential documents, like your driver's license, social security card, birth certificate, insurance documents, bank and credit card statements, and 2 years' tax returns.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
US Office on Women's Health
U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
Go to source}
- Pack light—bring a few changes of clothes, medications, and maybe a few small heirlooms, like jewelry. If you have children, you might tell them they can bring one special toy as a comfort item.^{[7]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  US Office on Women's Health
  U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
  Go to source}
- Bring evidence of your abuse if you have it, like police reports, medical records, or photos of your injuries.^{[8]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  US Office on Women's Health
  U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
  Go to source}^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- If you have children, pack documents like their birth certificates, social security cards, insurance information, and vaccination records.
2
Hide your items if you pack ahead of time. Ideally, you'll be able to pack away a few things before it's actually time to leave. Unfortunately, though, you may be more vulnerable if your abuser finds your bag and discovers your plan. Gather things a little at a time instead of all at once, and keep them somewhere safe, like your locker at work, a safe deposit box, or a trusted friend's house.^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
WomensLaw.org
Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence.
Go to source}
3
Leave everything behind if you have to get out fast. If the abuse escalates and you feel like you're in immediate danger, don't worry about what's left behind. Material items can be replaced, but you can't. Just get out, and get your children out, if you have any. You can figure the rest out later.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
US Office on Women's Health
U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
Go to source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 9:

Staying Safe Before the Move

1
Get to a safe place if you sense your abuser getting upset. Watch for the tell-tale signs that your partner might be about to get angry—like they're drunk or trying to start an argument over something small. Then, use a believable excuse to get out of the house, even if just for a few hours. That may help defuse the situation for a little while.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- For instance, you might leave to go get groceries or take your car in to get the oil changed.
- If you can't leave, have a plan for where to go in your home if your abuser gets violent—avoid small rooms without exits and rooms filled with objects that can easily be used as weapons.^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
2
Create a code word with someone you trust. Talk to someone you trust and let them know that sometimes your partner gets really angry, and you're not sure if it will get worse. Ask them if you can come up with a code word or phrase together, and tell them that if you say that word when you call, they should call the police to come to your house.^{[14]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Use something believable, but not something you're likely to use in regular conversation. For instance, you might not use the word "casserole," because you might accidentally say it when everything's fine. However, something like "your Nana's lasagna" might be a good option—especially if you know your friend doesn't have a Nana.
3
Use a public computer or a burner phone to search for resources. If you use your home computer or your own phone, your abuser may discover that you're thinking about leaving them, and this could escalate the violence. Even if you try to cover your tracks, it can be hard to completely erase your internet history on these devices—and even if you do, the cleared search could be a clue on its own.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Instead, make a trip to the local library to find information on local shelters, nearby hotels, school transfers, job searches, or anything else that might be related to your plan to leave.
- You could also buy a disposable phone for browsing the internet—but be sure to keep it somewhere your abuser won't find it.
- Keep in mind that your abuser may have placed recording devices in your home, so be careful what you say on your phone. Similarly, they may be tracking your devices or vehicle, so be mindful of that as you prepare to leave.

Part 4

Part 4 of 9:

Remaining Safe During and After Moving

1
Leave when your abuser isn't home, if possible. The safest way to leave is to wait until you know your abuser will be away for a while, like when they're at work. Grab the things you packed ahead of time and get away as quickly as possible.^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If you don't have your own transportation, ask a friend to pick you up.
- Consider leaving your cell phone behind in case your abuser can track it.
2
Don't let your abuser know where you're staying. This can be hard, especially if you live in a small town, but try to get somewhere that your abuser can't find you. That might be a friend or family member's home—but only if you're sure they won't tell your abuser you're there. Or, you might go to a shelter or hotel in your area. If you can, you might even go to a completely different town so your abuser won't be likely to run into you while you're out.^{[17]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Get your mail forwarded to a PO box instead of your new address so your abuser can't track your mail. If you have to stay in the same town, change the route you take to work, and try to find new places to pick up groceries or hang out.
- Change your phone number, email address, and any passwords you use.
- Don't contact your abuser at all after you leave.^{[18]
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  Research source}
3
Consider filing charges or getting a restraining order. If you have evidence that your abuser has physically hurt you or threatened you, you may be able to file criminal charges against them, or you may be able to get a restraining order. However, there's always a chance that your abuser will ignore an order to stay away from you, so don't let that give you a false sense of security—do your best to hide your location from your abuser.^{[19]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Keep a phone on you at all times. If your abuser does find you, call emergency services right away. Sometimes, the police won't be able to do anything if there's not an active threat, but you'll at least be documenting the situation—and if your abuser sees you calling the police, they may be more likely to leave you alone.

Part 5

Part 5 of 9:

Proving Abuse

1
Keep a journal and copies of any official documents. Any time your partner abuses you, write about it in a journal, along with specific facts and the time and date the abuse occurred. Be careful to keep this journal hidden so your abuser can't find it.^{[20]
X
Trustworthy Source
WomensLaw.org
Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence.
Go to source}
- If a paper journal seems too dangerous, you might keep it in the notes app on your phone or save it to a USB drive.
- If there were any witnesses to the abuse, make a note of this, as well. They may be able to testify on your behalf if the matter ever goes to court—like if you file for custody of your children.
2
Make a file with copies of police reports, medical records, or any other documents of your abuse. It might be more secure to scan or take pictures of these records, rather than trying to keep up with paper copies. If you have any injuries, take pictures of them when they occur, and make sure they're time-stamped.^{[21]
X
Trustworthy Source
WomensLaw.org
Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence.
Go to source} Try uploading them to a secure cloud service so your abuser won't see them on your phone—or send them to a friend, then delete them.^{[22]
X
Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
- Keep any threatening notes, texts, or emails that your abuser sends you, as well. If they make threats on social media, take screenshots in case they delete the post later.

Part 6

Part 6 of 9:

Understanding the Difficulties Associated With Leaving

1
Usually it's because your abuser is skilled at making you stay. Even without abuse, it can be really hard to end a relationship that isn't working. It's that much harder if your abuser is manipulating your emotions and isolating you from your friends and family—not to mention controlling your access to money or your ability to leave.^{[23]
X
Research source} Then, there are the emotional factors—you might be feeling embarrassed or ashamed about being abused, and you might feel unsure what the future will hold for you if you do leave.^{[24]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- These are all really common reasons that abuse victims have trouble leaving their abuser, so don't feel bad if you haven't been able to get out yet. Instead, take comfort in the fact that there are people out there who understand what you're going through!
2
Unfortunately, abusers commonly promise they will change. This is a tactic to keep the victim in this cycle, and it's commonly used. However, abusers tend to have deep emotional problems, and those don't change overnight. If you stay, you're just reinforcing that they won't experience consequences for their behavior, and they'll be even less likely to take responsibility for their own actions.^{[25]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}

Part 7

Part 7 of 9:

Understanding and Managing Fear

1
That's a really normal reaction, and it's okay. You might feel nervous about what your partner will do when they find out you're gone—you might even be afraid that your abuser will hurt themselves or someone else once you've left. However, abuse almost always escalates, and you'll be in more danger the longer you stay.^{[26]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- It can help a lot to reach out to family and friends who knew you before you started dating your abuser. At first, you might feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that you're being abused, but having a strong support network will make it easier to get away.^{[27]
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  Research source}
- It's also normal to still have feelings for your abuser. That's totally okay, but it's important to focus on what's best and safest for you right now.^{[28]
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  Research source}

Part 8

Part 8 of 9:

Reaching Out for Help

1
Reach out to friends, family, and support groups. It's really common for abusers to isolate their victims. In fact, they might even convince you that no one will believe that you're being abused, or that they wouldn't care even if they believed you. The truth is, there are a lot of people who will support you. Even if you feel like there's no one in your personal life who would be willing to help, you can reach out to a domestic abuse shelter or a crisis helpline to talk to someone who's trained in helping people just like you.^{[29]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- You can also talk to your doctor or nurse at your annual checkup, the HR department at your job, or a teacher or counselor at your child's school.^{[30]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  US Office on Women's Health
  U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
  Go to source}
- If you're in the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.
- In the UK, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline at 0808 2000 247.
- In Australia, call 1800 RESPECT.
2
Understand that abuse is never the victim's fault. No matter what your abuser tells you, you are not to blame. It doesn't matter what mistakes you made or how upset you got with your abuser, no one has the right to hurt you or mistreat you. In a loving relationship, your partner will treat you with respect and make you feel safe, even when you disagree.^{[31]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}^{[32]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}

Part 9

Part 9 of 9:

Recovering and Moving Forward

1
Talk to a counselor who specializes in domestic abuse. Abuse can have a profound effect on you mentally, emotionally, and physically. This can last for years after the abuse, especially if you don't work through the trauma. Look for a licensed therapist in your area who has experience working with abuse victims—they'll help you understand that the abuse wasn't your fault, and they'll help you learn to identify and form healthy relationships in the future.^{[33]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}

Expert Q&A

Question

Who should I reach out to if I'm in an abusive relationship?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

Look for a support network of friends, family, and other people you can trust to talk about your situation so you can plan to get out of it.
Question

How can I prepare to leave my relationship?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

Set aside some money and ask your friends and family to hold it for you. That way, an abusive partner won't be able to access it.