How to Flirt Without Being Obvious

Co-authored by Mark Rosenfeld

Last Updated: December 4, 2022 References

Flirting at work, with friends, or with strangers can put you in an awkward spot if things don’t go well. If you are interested in someone, but want to gauge his or her receptiveness, you can flirt without being obvious until you are comfortable. Certain cues in language and body posturing can help subtly reveal your feelings to another person, and create an opportunity to make a move.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating and relationship coach, Mark Rosenfeld, founder of Make Him Yours. Check out the full interview here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Using Body Language to Flirt

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Make eye contact.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.} Prolonged eye contact is the best way to establish a connection without actually saying anything. It helps to create an intense emotional connection between the two people locking eyes. People who aren’t interested at all usually look away or will be easily distracted.^{[2]
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- Just be careful not to stare. A few seconds of lingering eye contact is enough to signal interest, but also quick enough to pass off as a mistake if she isn’t seem interested.^{[4]
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  Mark Rosenfeld
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.}
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Smile at the other person. When you lock eyes, make sure you have a pleasant expression on your face.^{[5]
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Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.} Smiling projects confidence and friendliness, and most people respond favorably to that. If he’s interested, he’ll definitely smile back.^{[6]
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- If you want to enhance your smile with a laugh when he says something, go ahead. A little giggle or chuckle helps indicate your interest, but you can always pass it off as something being funny.
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3
Use welcoming body language.^{[7]
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Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.} Keep your head up, arms open and your feet pointed in the direction of the person you are trying to attract. This subtly shows that you are focused on her and what she has to say. Avoid closed off behavior like crossing your arms, which keeps people out.^{[8]
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Research source} Also look for ways to draw attention to your physical attributes, though of course these are different for men and women.^{[9]
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- For men, try to find postures that make you appear taller and more impressive. This can be putting your hands in your pockets with your elbows out, or leaning against the wall with one hand above your shoulder.^{[10]
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- For women, find postures that accentuate your physique. Try postures and positions that draw attention to your physical attributes, such as arching your back to push out your chest, or deliberately cross and uncross your legs.^{[11]
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- Try to keep your body position natural. Spreading your legs too far apart, say beyond the width of your shoulders, is an aggressive posture, which makes you look threatening or sexually suggestive. It will certainly get you noticed, though not necessarily in a good way.
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Lean forward slightly when you talk to the other person.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.} Don’t get right into her face, but make sure you incline your head or body in her direction, especially if she is talking to you. This will show you are interested in what she is saying without having to say it directly. This helps to emphasize your interest by moving closer and focusing your attention in her direction.^{[13]
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- This is more effective if you are some distance away from the other person, and can’t really move any closer. If the two of you are sitting at a table with others, say for a group meal, or maybe a business meeting, make sure you lean in her direction when either of you is talking.
- This is also effective if you are with a group of people. Leaning in the direction of that one person can signal your interest. Subconsciously, he may even begin to lean back in your direction, which increases the chances for making eye contact and other signs of attraction.^{[14]
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- If you are closer together, and don’t want to risk any kind of physical contact, this is a good way to move a little bit closer to her without invading her personal space.
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Mimic the other person. Make your body position match his. This kind of positioning will make him think more favorably of you, even if he doesn’t exactly notice what you are doing. Notice something like how he has positioned his arms, and try to match that.^{[15]
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- You don’t want to overdo it and be an exact mirror image. This is especially true if it puts you in an unnatural or awkward position like having your legs crossed, or leaning on something you shouldn’t be.
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Make physical contact.^{[16]
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Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.} You don’t want to grab the other person, just something brief to make it look like an accident, or you just got overly excited. The physical connection should be enough to get her attention, and suggest your interest in her is more than just friendly.^{[17]
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- The best way to pull this off is to stand close to her. Grab the seat next to her, or at least move next to her when you want to start talking. In general, it’s harder to flirt from across the room.
- You can touch her arm to emphasize a point, or brush your hand against hers. Play up the spontaneity by apologizing for the contact.
- If you are in a crowded space, you can “accidentally” bump into her. You are trying to avoid being obvious here, so if you are somewhere with lots of space between you two, don’t try this one.
- Notice her reaction to any contact. If she smiles, increases eye contact, or responds to your apology with something like “I don’t mind” or “That’s alright,” that’s a good sign. Alternatively, if she jumps back or frowns, you know there isn’t much interest.^{[18]
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Be the first person to walk away. If you feel the tension building, excuse yourself. Don’t attempt to ask for a number or set up a date. If the other person is interested, he’ll follow you or try to make a move before you step away.^{[19]
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- When you step away, you can always say something like “It was good to talk to you” to emphasize that you enjoyed the conversation. Avoid baiting the other person with lines like “We should do this again sometime.”
- You can always spare a quick glace backward to see if you catch his eye again, or check if he’s following you, but don’t linger.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Using Language to Flirt

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Wait until you are alone. If people are around when you try to flirt, it can hurt your chances to be both subtle and successful. Keep the interaction friendly, but not flirtatious, until the two of you are by yourselves.^{[20]
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- Other people may see you as competition, and try to break up the interaction. Alternatively, they may not like watching other people flirt, especially if you are in a professional environment like an office.
- People also act different when they are alone, so your target might not be willing to play along if there are others around.
2
Give your words the right emphasis. Even simple phrases like “Hello” can be said in a variety of ways to indicate personal feeling. A change in tone, using a “sexier” voice, can signal interest without you having to change the words.^{[21]
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- Keep your voice lower, and add a rising inflection to the end of your sentences, as if you were asking as question. This is a subtle maneuver that encourages your target to continue the conversation, without directly signaling interest.
3
Use his name in conversation. If he tells you his name, make sure you keep using it when talking to him. This suggests he is important to you, and keeps your conversation directed at him.
- This is also a good way to help remember a person’s name, which you can always give as an excuse if he starts to ask why you are doing it.
4
Compliment things the other person likes. Liking the same things is a good start to further compatibility.^{[22]
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- You will need to be paying attention to when your target talks to you to find her interest. Listen to music she puts on, or foods she likes, then give some vague approval like “Good call. I love this song.”
- This can also work when paying simple compliments. A polite “I like that shirt” or “You look nice today” suggests you are paying attention to what she is doing. Just try to avoid being more explicit, or giving more than one compliment for the same thing, as that is too obvious.^{[23]
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- Of course, you don’t want to lie in this instance. If your tastes clash it’s better not to pretend.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Paying Someone Special Attention

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Keep clean. Regularly showering, keeping your hair brushed or combed, and making sure your breath is fresh will make you more attractive to those around you, including the person you want to notice you. Besides, you never know when you’ll run into him, so you want to be prepared.^{[24]
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- This is always better to do before running into the person you want to flirt with. Chances are he won’t notice if you excuse yourself to the bathroom to re-apply makeup partway through your conversation.^{[25]
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- Artificial scents like perfume or cologne can be helpful, but apply lightly. You want your natural scent to come out a little as well, and no one likes getting a strong whiff of cologne just because you walked into the room.^{[26]
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Dress well. Your clothes can say a lot about you if you let them. Dressing well can help draw the other person’s attention, even if he doesn’t realize you don’t usually dress like that. Aside from specifics for different genders, you’ll want your clothes to be neat and fit you well.^{[27]
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- For women, look for softer colors that signal romance, like pink or coral. For style, accentuate your curves, especially those parts of your body that you want the guy to look at.
- For men, your clothes should be clean and wrinkle-free. Nice shoes, instead of a ragged pair of old sneakers, can help as well. In terms of color, red is always good for drawing attention, and projecting an image of strength and confidence.
- If your target compliments your clothing, be sure to thank him. Adding a line like “Thanks for noticing” can slyly suggest you wanted him to notice. Just avoid more explicit comments like “I wore it for you,” which is too obvious.
3
Give him something to look at or respond to. If you want to be subtle with your flirting, you are probably hoping the other person makes the first move. To encourage him, do something visible that expresses something you are interested in so he’ll have an excuse to start talking to you.^{[28]
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- This should be a visual cue, like letting him see the cover of the book you are reading, or subtly tilting your phone in his direction so he can see the music you are listening to. You may need to do some guessing about his interests, but that can be part of the fun.
- This can be especially true when flirting with guys, as men usually prefer to initiate conversation.
4
Text your target. If you have a phone number, or some other contact information, send a quick text reminding her of something fun you did together. Texting is better than calling because it gives the other person room to ignore your message if she isn’t interested, or gives her time to craft a funny or witty response.^{[29]
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- Keep your message short and to the point. A brief reminder of how nice it was to meet, or a reminder about how you are still laughing at a joke she told, is a good icebreaker. Most importantly, it lets her know that she is on your mind.
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Loan him something. If your target suggested his likes a certain kind of book, music, or movie, lend him your copy (or something similar). It will keep the conversation going about something you two both like, and show him you listen to his interests.
- Perhaps most importantly, you’ll have an excuse to see him again when he returns the item.
6
Be patient. Not everyone will notice or react to your flirting right away. Keep at it for a few minutes, or try a few different techniques to make sure the other person really isn’t interested before cutting off your attempts. Don’t be afraid to try another time either.^{[30]
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Expert Advice

Try these 3 flirting techniques:

Compliments: When you compliment a person, you can help them let their guard down and feel like you're happy to see them. For instance, you might say, "You look great tonight!" However, if you do it too often, it can feel disingenuous, so it's best to use this approach sparingly.
Touching: Flirty touching is a great way to show that you're interested. For instance, you might touch their hand or their leg briefly, or if you're across the table, you might come around and sit next to them. Just make sure they're comfortable with it, and don't be afraid to ask if you're not sure.
Making Plans: This is really underused, but one really effective way to flirt is to make theoretical plans together. Not only does it let the person know you're interested in spending time together, but it allows them to see what hanging out with you might be like. For instance, if you both love cooking, you might say something like, "Oh it would be so fun to go to a farmer's market, pick out some veggies, and cook something together!"

From Mark Rosenfeld

Dating & Relationship Coach

Warnings

Don’t tell other people about your attraction and desire for flirtation. They may ruin your cover and use body language that makes you look obvious.

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