How to Find a Life Partner Online

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Online dating isn't just for hookups or casual relationships. If you're looking for someone serious to settle down with, searching online can help you meet people you might not come across in your day-to-day life. If you find the right match, the two of you might even settle down for a long, happy life together. We have some tips for meeting 'the one' online!

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Meeting New People

1
Sign up on a couple of dating sites. Sites like eHarmony, OkCupid, Hinge, and Match.com are good places to start if you haven't done much online dating. These tend to draw a broad crowd, so you'll find a mix of people who are looking for a long-term relationship and people who are just dating casually. On the other hand, it's probably better to avoid sites like Tinder or Grindr, where people are mostly looking to hook up.^{[1]
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- If finding a partner who shares your faith is important, consider using a site like Christian Mingle, Catholic Match, Jdate (for Jewish singles), or Muslima.
- If you're over 50, you might use a site like OurTime or Silver Singles.
- Dating sites and apps can take up a lot of your time, so it's best to only sign up for about 1-3 sites.
2
Make a profile that tells people you're looking for long-time love. Create a short description of yourself that explains a little about you and what you're looking for. Be open about the fact that you're looking for a serious partnership, and share a few of your interests that show why you're fun and unique.^{[2]
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- Be yourself—if you're not athletic, don't pretend to be just because you'd like a partner with a muscular build!
- Also, upload a couple of pictures so matches can see what you look like. You can never go wrong with a headshot where you have an open, friendly smile. Just avoid pictures that are risque or revealing, since they don't really give the impression that you're looking for a serious relationship.
- Include a few things you're really passionate about, like that you love mountain climbing or going to museums on the weekends.
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3
Make a list of what you're looking for ahead of time. In particular, focus on the values that are important for you to share with your partner. What would it look like if you found someone perfectly compatible with you? Then, when you're chatting with people online, try to get a feel for how well they match up with your wish list.^{[3]
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- If having a family is really important to you, look for someone who's also hoping to settle down and have kids.
- Don't be too specific when it comes to your partner's looks. For instance, your life partner might be a little taller or shorter than you imagined, and they might have blonde hair instead of brown.
4
Chat with someone a few times before you meet in person. Once your profile is all set up, browse potential matches and send a quick message to the people who seem interesting to you. This is where you'll really catch the eye of a match, so be playful and flirtatious, and ask thoughtful questions that will help you get to know the person better.^{[4]
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- Don't be afraid to do a little sleuthing. For instance, you might do a reverse image search to make sure the person is really using their own picture and not someone else's. Or, you might look up their profiles on social media.^{[5]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
  Largest anti-sexual assault organization in the US providing support and advocacy for survivors
  Go to source}
5
Meet up in public if you find someone you vibe with. Messaging online is fine, but the best way to really get to know someone is to hang out with them in person. Once you've chatted back and forth a couple of times, make plans to go on a date and see how you get along in person.
- Because you're dealing with someone you don't know, it's important to take extra safety precautions when you meet in person. Agree on a place the two of you can meet up, like a coffee shop, bar, or public park. Don't have them come to your house or pick you up from work until you've met a few times and you're sure you're comfortable with that.^{[6]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
  Largest anti-sexual assault organization in the US providing support and advocacy for survivors
  Go to source}

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Figuring Out if You're Compatible

1
Gauge how well they meet your wish list. When you meet up with your match, pay attention to how they line up against list of qualities that you want in a partner.^{[7]
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Research source} It's okay if they don't necessarily tick every single box—you might want someone who loves to read, but your date might be really into podcasts instead. That still shows that they have a passion for learning new things, though, so they might be a better match than you thought at first.^{[8]
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- Don't budge on really important things, though. If you want someone who's career-focused, you probably shouldn't spend much time with someone who can't hold down a job.
2
Pay attention to the chemistry. Once you meet up with your match, give yourself a chance to relax, then ask yourself how you feel around this person. Do they make you feel comfortable? Do they make you laugh? Do you feel like you can really be yourself? These are the kinds of things that are going to really determine whether your relationship will work in the long run.^{[9]
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- Don't necessarily base your whole decision off the first date. Your match might be a little nervous or shy when they first meet you, which could throw off the chemistry. If they seem like a good match otherwise, it might be worth giving them another shot!
3
Build trust gradually. When you're learning whether you can trust someone, it's important to pay close attention to their actions—not just the things they say. As you start getting to know your potential match better, really notice whether they're reliable. If you notice that they follow up on the things they say they do and they communicate openly with you, it's probably okay to start opening up to them.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Of course, there might be times when the person is running late or has to cancel plans. If they seem really apologetic and they don't make a habit of it, it's probably not a deal-breaker.
4
Make sure you feel secure in the relationship. Don't just trust the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you're judging whether this person is a good long-term match for you. When you're with the right person, you should have a quiet confidence that you're both in it together.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If you're regularly questioning whether the relationship is right, if you argue a lot, or if you feel like they don't treat you as well as you'd like, it might be best to let go and keep looking for the right person.
5
Connect with each other often and deeply. Ideally, you should spend at least a few minutes talking to each other every day. During this time, really touch base with each other on what's going on, how you're feeling, and whether anything is bothering you. That connection is the most important part of having a healthy relationship!^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- For instance, each morning you might text each other about your plans for the day, then you might meet for dinner to chat about how your days went.
6
Commit when you're both ready. If you're looking for a life partner, there will come a point where it's important for both of you to agree that this is a long-term relationship. You don't necessarily have to get married if the two of you don't want that, but you should at least have a conversation where you make sure the two of you are on the same page.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- For instance, you might say something like, "I really enjoy spending time with you. I'm not seeing other people, and I don't want to. Do you see us as exclusive?"
- Or, you could say something like, "I'm really happy in our relationship and I see us being together for a long time. Is that how you're feeling too?"