How to Enjoy Sex in a Long Term Relationship

Co-authored by Susan Pazak, PhD and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: March 3, 2022 References

Are you looking to find that spark again? Maybe you and your partner have gotten really busy, so there hasn’t been any time for intimacy. You might also feel that there just isn’t anything new to do with your significant other and that you’ve tried it all. Luckily, there are always fun little tricks to keep your love life fresh and unexpected. We’ve got lots of tips for how to increase the frequency and passion of sex in a long-term relationship. Read on and choose your favorites—they’ll definitely thrill you and your partner.

1

Use all five of your senses.

Add sensuality to your sex life and enhance your partner’s experience. Touch and sight are two common ways you can excite each other, and you can even put a twist on that. Remember to use the other three senses—sound, smell, and taste. Learn which senses are most important to you and your partner. You’ll reignite your relationship and thrill each other with these small touches. Check out these ideas:^{[1]
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- Bring strawberries and champagne for a tasty start to romance and turn on music that sets the mood.
- If you’re used to caressing each other without clothes on, you can run a feather over your partner’s leg or softly kiss them while wearing a colorful silk robe.
- There are endless possibilities with the five senses. You can use a candle with a spicy scent one week, and then put on a sweet perfume or cologne the next.
- Say what you need, want and fantasize about. Be direct, as this allows for the conversation which will lead to more enjoyable sex.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.}

2

Try a bunch of new positions.

Add variety to your sex life by experimenting with new techniques. Talk about all the positions you both haven’t tried before, then playfully check them off your list.^{[3]
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Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} Use your intimacy together as a way to be silly, daring, or curious. Maybe you spontaneously want to start off on the laundry machine, or you could test how flexible you both are. You can also browse any visual aides you both like, like videos, magazines, or guidebooks.^{[4]
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- It’s okay if some of the positions aren’t the best fit or need some adjustments. You two are just figuring it all out together.
- Be vocal with each other about which positions feel the best. That way, you can keep prioritizing them.
- Furniture and fun add-ons to your home, like swings, are a great way to find new positions to try out.

3

Share your fantasies.

Just revealing your turn-ons is a way to fire up your minds.^{[5]
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Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} Mental stimulation is a huge way to get your partner worked up, and when you talk about your risque daydreams, you already kick off some powerful foreplay. Before you both even undress, you can explore each other’s brains and learn all about the scenarios you just can’t get out of your heads. Just hearing about all your partner’s scandalous and fun secrets will get your heart racing.^{[6]
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- Tease out even more information and ask when or how all those fantasies started. You’ll get a deeper understanding of your partner.
- ”Do you think we could try…? I’ve never done that before.”
- Studies show that you both can feel physically aroused just talking about your fantasies.

4

Talk about what you both want.

Set up some goals and personal needs for your sex lives. Everyone has different preferences, desires, and boundaries. Your libidos may be different, so you both may need to negotiate how much sex is realistic for you both. For instance, maybe you’d like sex once a day, but your partner is more interested in weekly intimacy. It’s okay to have wants that aren’t exactly matched up as long as you both agree on a compromise. The more you two talk, the more you’ll both achieve the intimacy you’re craving.^{[7]
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- Discuss the values you both have. Maybe one partner needs intimacy after work is done in order to be present. You may prefer an emotional connection and prefer sex after lots of quality time.
- For example, you can ask: ”Would you like me to be more tender or taboo in the bedroom?”
- Communicate about desires and limits. You’ll both feel more comfortable when you outline what you really like and what you’re not really into.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.}

5

Put sex on your calendar.

Make sure you’re always carving out time for intimacy. Figure out a time slot where there won’t be distractions or stresses and you both can really unwind. Once you’ve decided on penciling in fun with each other, whether it’s weekly or monthly, give the opportunity to connect your full effort. Dress up, caress each other, express desire and gratitude, and say how much you’ve been looking forward to the special moment.^{[9]
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- Since you’ll already have the logistics sorted out, you’ll already know that there’s a chance to have sex with your partner.
- Scheduled sex might be a little different from spontaneous sex sometimes, but it’s always a thoughtful way to show up for one another.
- Remember that putting sex on your calendar is just one way to increase the frequency of your intimacy. This is just one trick you can try, along with lots of other ones.

6

Try sex outside of the bedroom.

New places let you and your partner see so many new possibilities. The more you explore new environments, the more you’ll realize that you can be passionate almost anywhere. You can start kissing your partner as soon as they come home, then try a new position on the kitchen counter. You can also be really quiet if you’re in someone’s guest bedroom for an extra edge. As long as you’re respectful to everyone around you, you and your partner can enjoy all kinds of options.^{[10]
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- For a fun activity, you and your partner can try to have sex on every surface in the house.
- You can make a list of places you’ve always wanted to have some quick fun in. Just make sure there’s enough privacy and you’re not breaking any rules.
- You can also make the bedroom a little different by adding a mirror so you can watch yourselves.

7

Visit romantic places.

Get out of the house and explore to stir up your curiosity. Spark adventure in your romance and go on a stroll or drive together. Make it a priority to stop anywhere that offers a fun escape. You can mix up the atmosphere of places you go to. They can be cute and casual or swank and upscale. Think about places you usually don’t see in your day-to-day life. By trying out new settings, you tell each other that you’re always on the lookout for ways to put effort into your relationship.^{[11]
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- Maybe there’s a hotel where you both can go wild, order room service, and forget about any chores afterward.
- You might also pass a wine bar that gives you two “first date” memories. Head on in, order two glasses and some appetizers, and lay on the physical affection. You can rub your partner’s leg while they caress your arm.
- You can also go to big events, like concerts or even a wedding, then slip away somewhere private to kiss.

8

Roleplay as strangers.

Pretend you don’t know each other for a fun little rush. Dress up for a night on the town, run into your partner at a bar, and strike up a conversation like you’ve just met. You can even use made-up names to make the fantasy scenario even more realistic. After you’ve flirted and loosened up a bit, lean in and whisper that you want to bring them back to your place. You both can lose yourselves in a wild evening with a great-looking stranger, then wake up with your best friend.^{[12]
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- You can play out this scenario any way you want. You both can meet somewhere casual, like a coffee shop or a bookstore.
- This fantasy might feel a little taboo, which can make the experience even more exciting.
- You can even repeat this roleplay multiple times. You can use new names, wear different outfits, and meet up in various locations.

9

Tease with flirty texts.

Seduce your partner when you’re apart to get them ready. Texts are a great way to drop hints and say that there’s still room for the unexpected in your dynamic. Send your partner some pictures to work up their appetite, or give them some clues about what you’d like to do when you two get together again. Share open-ended details that will make your significant other crave getting their hands on you as soon as they can.^{[13]
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- Think about compliments your partner has given you. If they love your legs, make sure to text a picture of them.
- Vague details can be really exciting because they leave so much to the imagination. For example, you can say: “I was just thinking of you while I was in the shower!”
- Research has shown that when your partner is looking forward to intimacy with you, they’ll be even more satisfied once they experience it.

10

Hit the gym, then have some fun.

Work up a sweat to boost your appetites. Not only is exercising great for your health, but it releases feel-good chemicals and a ton of sex hormones. To add to the frequency and level of passion in your intimacy, you both can make going to the gym a habit. After you’re done, you can either take each other’s clothes off right away, or soap each other up and rinse off. Post-workout sex can be a new rhythm you both breathlessly wait for.^{[14]
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- You can also tease your partner before going to the gym. Try wearing the kinds of workout clothes that they just can’t get enough of and love seeing you in.
- Exercise will also help improve your sleep, which can help you feel more energized in your sex life.
- Working out releases endorphins, which reduce stress and perk up your mood, and oxytocin, which makes you feel content and affectionate.

11

Gaze deeply at each other.

Look into each other’s eyes to enhance your connection. Eye contact helps communicate so much. When you look into your partner’s eyes, you can tell exactly what they feel at that moment. They might tear up because they’re so moved, or they might look at you intensely because they’re overwhelmed with desire for you. When you use eye contact to express your emotions, you’ll appreciate how vulnerable you can be with your significant other.^{[15]
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- You can smile or nod when you look in your partner’s eyes and see all the feelings they’re experiencing. They’ll feel deeply connected to you.
- You can also hold each other’s hands tightly as you look at each other. You’ll express how inspired and in love you are.
- Some studies suggest that eye contact signals romantic interest. When you make sure to use lots of it with your partner, you’ll make them swoon again.

12

Be gentle and affectionate.

Use soft and caring touches to make your partner feel secure. Stroke, caress, and hold them while you have sex. These tender gestures will show that you want them to have a good experience and feel loved. Find new ways to express your concern for your partner. When you make sure to remain kind and devoted, your partner will look forward to how much you’ll cherish them in bed.^{[16]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- “Does it feel good when I do this?”
- “How are you doing? Is this okay with you?”
- “You are so special to me. I adore you.”

13

Take your time.

Build up to intimacy and savor the process. Now that you’re comfortable with each other, you can take the time to explore each other’s bodies. You can kiss each other deeply without any rush. Slow down to appreciate different parts of your partner. Maybe you’ve never really ran your hand down the small of their back or nibbled on their thighs. Rediscover each other and spend an entire evening on this special type of foreplay.^{[17]
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- You two might also experience some nostalgia. Usually, the first stages of a relationship involve some slow and steady seduction.
- You can also spend some time apart so you can crave each other’s touch again. You can travel or arrange a trip with your friends.
- Test each other and see how long you both can draw out your foreplay before you give in.

14

Hold each other afterward.

Cuddle and appreciate the time you spent together. Physical touch is really important in a romantic relationship, and affection shows your partner that you value them. When you’re in each other’s arms, you can reflect on why you’re invested in your sex life. Maybe you wanted more quality time with each other or you wanted to express physical desire for one another. Whatever your reasons were, you can feel satisfied and proud of all the effort you put into your connection.^{[18]
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- As you hug, you two can talk about what you enjoyed the most about your sex, or you can just switch topics and appreciate each other’s company.
- Nonsexual touch after sex helps to create a sense of trust and relief.
- Studies also report that you’ll feel more satisfied with your sex if you cuddle afterward.