How to Deal with Toddlers Who Touch Themselves

Co-authored by Catherine Palomino, MS

Last Updated: December 7, 2022 References

Toddlers are naturally curious and often begin to touch themselves, usually at the most inappropriate times! When addressing their behavior, don’t overreact or shame your child and instead, talk calmly and matter-of-factly to them. Give them alternatives and don’t use physical force. Have a discussion with your child and let them know touching themselves is not something to do in public. Finally, start teaching them boundaries on how to treat and respect their own bodies and the bodies of those around them.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Responding to Their Behavior

1
Remain calm. Children may delight in outrageous acts in order to get a rise. For example, your child might jump out of their room fully naked and feel proud of themselves. If your child tends to be an exhibitionist, don’t give a reaction, as this takes the fun out of it.^{[1]
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Research source} Respond calmly without giving them a rise.
- For example, say, “Who took your clothes from you?” or, “I didn’t realize it was naked day.”
2
Redirect their attention. Especially if your child touches themselves absent-mindedly, redirect their attention. This can be helpful when your child is in public and you don’t want to talk about their touching or turn it into a discussion. One of the best things to do it to put something in their hands to touch instead. This gives them an activity and keeps them focused on something else.
- Say, “Will you hold this for me?” or, “Let’s play with this instead.”
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3
Don’t use physical force. Never slap your child’s hand when they are touching themselves. This can send a negative message about their body, sexuality, and their normal curiosity. Do not use force of any kind, and instead, use your words. It might take time for your child to remember not to touch themselves, so be patient.^{[2]
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- Say, “Hands out of your pants,” or, “It’s not an appropriate time to do that.”
4
Avoid shaming them. Let your child know that you understand that it feels good when they touch themselves. Avoid shaming them or acting very embarrassed yourself.^{[3]
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Research source} You want your child to have a healthy relationship with their body and their own sexuality. Be gentle in how you talk about it and how you ask your child to stop.
- Avoid saying things that might embarrass them or make them see their curiosity as wrong or bad.
- For example, say, “I know it feels good to touch yourself, but this is not an appropriate time.”

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking About the Touching

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Normalize their curiosity. Let your child know that it’s normal to be curious about their body and want to explore it. When they find something that feels good, it’s normal to want to do it again. Remember that toddlers are curious and experimental.
- Allowing your toddler to experiment with age-appropriate behaviors will make them more likely to develop healthy attitudes toward sexuality and their body.
2
Discourage public touching. Let your child know that it’s not okay to show their private parts to other people, especially in public. Make it clear that touching and exploring behaviors are acceptable only at home.^{[4]
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Research source} If they tend to show their private parts or touch themselves while out of the house, set a clear boundary.
- For example, say, “That’s something that’s okay at home, but it’s not okay with other people around.”
3
Teach them to do it in private. Without showing judgment or disapproval, gently encourage your child to explore their body in private. This is a good time to discuss what privacy is and why it’s important.^{[5]
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- Keep discussion of privacy ongoing and age-appropriate. If your child asks why they need to do it in private, say that it’s similar to using the restroom.
4
Answer their questions. Toddlers are becoming aware of their bodies and their gender identity. They will likely ask you questions about their bodies, other people’s bodies, and perhaps even be curious to talk about masturbation. They might be curious about gender identity and differences between boys and girls. If they raise questions, answer them in an age-appropriate way. Be calm and straightforward and try not to be embarrassed as you answer.
- You may not want to have the sex talk quite yet, but feel free to talk about what they’re curious about. For example, say, “Yes, it feels good when you touch your private parts. They were made to feel good.”
- Explain to your child that they own their body and must take care of it.
- Avoid using nicknames for private parts—teach them to use the correct words, like “penis” and “vagina.”^{[6]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Enforcing Physical Boundaries

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Remind them not to touch others. While it’s normal to explore their own body, teach your child not to touch other children or adults, especially near their private parts. This can also help them learn about privacy and how to respect other people.^{[7]
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Research source} If you see your child touching another child inappropriately, gently redirect them and say, “Please don’t touch Riley like that.”
- Tell your toddler that no one should touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, either.
2
Help them cope in other ways. If your child constantly masturbates and doesn’t seem to be comforted by anything else, consider whether they are stressed, anxious, lonely, or bored.^{[8]
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Research source} If masturbation appears to be a stress relief method, help your child find other ways of dealing with their emotions. For example, practice labeling their emotions and talking about their feelings. If your child is anxious, take some deep breaths together to help calm down.
- If they see masturbation as a stress-relief, let them know that it’s okay to touch themselves but that there are other ways of dealing with their feelings.
3
Spot signs of abuse. Children may act out their experiences when they don’t have the words to say what’s going on. If they suddenly start playing out experiences or situations that are strongly sexual beyond exploring their body parts, take note of the signs they’re exhibiting. Some toddlers may become extra clingy or refuse to separate from their caretaker. Others may regress developmentally and revert to stages they passed long ago. Look out for aggressive play with their toys, other children, or the caretaker.^{[9]
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- If you suspect your child is being abused, take it seriously. Remove them from any suspected perpetrators and seek help from the authorities.
4
Get professional help if necessary. If your child is touching themselves inappropriately and does not seem to want to or be able to stop, it might be time to bring it up to their pediatrician or perhaps even a therapist. Especially if your toddler is very interested in other sexual activities or touching other children, it’s important to consult with a professional and seek their advice.
- A professional may be able to help you talk to your child about their behavior or how to approach the action in a positive way. They can also help you assess if abuse is occurring and help you seek intervention and support.

Community Q&A

Question

My child is a 9-year-old girl and I saw her hand inside her pants. She said she is just scratching but I think she's masturbating. How will I control this?

Community Answer

Know that masturbation is completely normal, even at that age. Have a talk with her about it, explain that it's normal, but that it should only be done in private. Make sure that you don't make her feel ashamed about it, because that can cause all kinds of mental problems in the future.
Question

How do I stop my 4 year old from touching himself?

Community Answer

You don't make your child stop, you don't want to teach them that their bodies are dirty or wrong, at any age. You DO want to teach them that their bodies are private, and they should only touch their bodies IN private. Our cue words are "bed or bath", because we have had the privacy discussion, and all the awkward questions, and have taught them to they can only do private things in private places, like the bedroom and the bathroom. Seemed like a good compromise to whipping it out at liberty!
Question

What if my nephew is trying to touch my private parts, and he's only 1? He does it when his mom is not looking, and I have told his mom already. What should I do?

AbigailAbernathy

Top Answerer

Normally this would be typical behavior from very young toddlers, as they have absolutely no idea what they are doing. But the fact that he does this specifically when his mom is not looking indicates he might be being sexually abused. Toddlers aren't usually that verbal at 1 year old, and unfortunately, abusers target them for this. Bring it up to your mom first, then your nephew's mom. For all we know, he is doing it completely innocently and has no idea. But there could also be abuse somewhere.