How to Deal with Insecurity in a New Relationship

Co-authored by Lisa Shield and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: July 24, 2020 References

A new relationship is an exciting new chapter of your life, but it still may feel a little intimidating. It’s completely normal to feel nervous and insecure at the start of a new relationship, especially if you’ve had bad experiences with past partners. Instead of nurturing those negative feelings, try rooting yourself in the present and keeping open communication with your significant other.^{[1]
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Research source} With a healthy attitude, you can put your best foot forward in your new relationship!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Pinpointing Your Insecurity

1
Identify what’s making you feel insecure in your new relationship. Think about what’s holding you back from enjoying your relationship to the fullest. Keep in mind that insecurities aren’t always easy to pinpoint—they may originate from a bad childhood memory, or from a negative experience in an old relationship. Once you figure out what’s really bothering you, you’ll have an easier time changing your mindset and addressing the insecurity head-on.^{[2]
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- For instance, if your past partner didn’t spend a lot of time with you, you may struggle with issues of self-worth.
- Insecurities can be developed from small, seemingly insignificant conversations and memories from the past. Don’t worry if you have to dig deep before finding the root cause of your anxiety.
2
Write down these insecurities in second person. Take out a sheet of paper and jot down your biggest insecurities in your new relationship. Instead of using “I am,” start each sentence with “you are” so you can separate yourself from your negative thoughts. Continue writing until you have all of your major anxieties on paper.^{[3]
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- For instance, write something like: “You are annoying to be around” or “Your partner doesn’t want to spend time with you.”
- It may help to pinpoint each insecurity to negative events or conversations from your past.
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3
Correct your insecurities with positive statements. Pretend you’re a friend offering a listening ear and advice. Write sentences that are encouraging and loving, which counteract your original sentences. Be kind and caring, in the same way you’d respond to a friend.^{[4]
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- For example, if you initially wrote: “You’re a burden to your partner,” write something like, “I am a good person who is worthy of love in this new relationship.”
4
Make a plan to fight back against your insecure thoughts. Don’t carry your past around with you as you begin a new relationship, along with any lingering insecurities. Instead, view your new partnership as a clean slate. Confront your insecurities head-on and cut off your negative thinking as soon as it starts. Instead, replace your thoughts with positive self-love.^{[5]
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- For instance, if you start thinking “My new partner is bored of me,” replace the thought with “My new partner is invested in the relationship even if he doesn’t always show it.”
- You can try redirecting your thoughts like this: “My last partner may have cheated on me, but my new relationship isn’t like that. I trust my partner and I’m not going to let another person’s mistakes taint my current relationship.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Building Self-Esteem

1
Remind yourself of your value as an individual. Think about yourself as a person, not as a component in a new relationship. Go over all the positive qualities that make you unique and special, and that aren’t attached to your relationship. This value is part of who you are, and won’t change because of your new relationship.^{[6]
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- Try making a positive declaration to yourself! You can say something like: “I’m really funny and make everyone around me happy.”
2
Remember to rely on yourself. Be your own cheerleader, even if it’s not always easy to do. It’s important to acknowledge that some days in your relationship will be harder than others—during those times, you need to be there for yourself. Validate your own thoughts and feelings so you have a safe space to think and feel during the rough patches of your relationships.^{[7]
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- Instead of putting yourself down, think something like: “My feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. I’ll use these experiences to become stronger as a person.”
3
Set aside time for yourself. Think about activities that bring you a lot of joy and relaxation, whether it’s taking a hot bath, playing a video game, or going for a long walk. Give yourself plenty of “me time” so your identity doesn’t feel merged with your partner’s. Pursue your own hobbies and hang out with your friends on your own time so you can have your own life.^{[8]
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- Having your own sense of identity may help give you a sense of security in your new relationship.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Maintaining Healthy Relationship Habits

1
Discuss your concerns with your new partner. Set aside some time to talk with your partner and be open about your feelings.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} Be honest about your insecurities and what’s been bothering you, and give your partner time to listen and address your concerns.^{[10]
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- For instance, you can say something: “I’m anxious because we haven’t spent a lot of alone time together, and I’m worried that you don’t want to spend a lot of time with me.”
2
Think about things from your partner’s point of view. Take a step back from your anxieties and pretend you’re viewing them from your partner’s point of view. There’s a very good chance that your partner is not harboring any resentment or negative feelings toward you, and reverse thinking can be a good way to figure that out!^{[11]
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- For instance, if you’re worried about your partner finding you annoying, think about your concern from their perspective. If they didn’t like you, they wouldn’t be in a relationship with you in the first place.
3
Let your partner have their space in the new relationship. Spending time with your partner is great, but it’s also important to give your significant other some time to themselves. Don’t automatically invite yourself to every outing your partner goes to—instead, let them enjoy time with their friends. Getting in this habit will make it easier for you to adjust to the dynamics of a new relationship.^{[12]
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4
Talk to a trusted friend if you need help sorting out your feelings.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} Ask a friend if you can call or meet up with them, then share what’s on your mind. Describe everything you’ve been feeling, even if it feels trivial. Ask your friend about the best way to deal with these feelings, and see if they have any suggestions for talking to your partner.^{[14]
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- For example, you can say something like: “My partner went to a basketball game last night and didn’t invite me. Am I right to feel insecure, or am I overreacting?”
5
Do something active instead of focusing on your worries. Find an activity that you really enjoy, whether it’s a sport or hobby. Dedicate your nervous energy to this activity instead of spending time thinking about your relationship anxieties.^{[15]
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- For instance, every time you start getting anxious, you can go for a run to clear your head.
6
Limit how much time you spend on social media. Don’t spend too much time on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and any other platform. It’s easy to get swept up in the glamour of other people’s relationships, but this may add to your insecurity. Additionally, don’t post constant pictures and updates about your new relationship—instead, give yourself time to settle into the relationship.^{[16]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How can I stop feeling insecure in my relationship?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It will help if you're both open and honest about how you're feeling so you can understand each other a little better.
Question

Is it OK to tell your partner about your insecurities?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Yes! It's helpful to tell them how you feel and what you need from the relationship. If you're nervous, try talking to a close friend, first.

Warnings

Avoid comparing yourself to other people’s relationships. Your time is much better spent focusing on your own relationship!^{[18]
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