How to Deal with Gaslighting Parents (Know Exactly What to Say and Do)

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Kira Jan

Last Updated: October 3, 2021 References

When a parent gaslights you by trying to deny, undermine, and manipulate your own sense of reality, it can feel really hard to know what to do.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source} No matter how old you are, manipulative behavior, especially from a parent, can leave you feeling upset and invalidated. Fortunately, you can take steps to emotionally protect and distance yourself from a gaslighter, while moving towards a healthier family situation and self-empowerment!

1

Don’t accept a gaslighter’s lies.

Go with your gut and trust your memory of what happened. It can be totally frustrating and confusing when gaslighters try to say, “I didn’t say/do that” or “That’s not what happened,” in order to get away with bad behavior.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.} They might even try to change the rules or expectations on you after something has already happened. For example, if your parent says you can stay out until 10 o’clock, and you come home on time, a gaslighter might claim they expected you to be home by 9 o’clock.^{[3]
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- If you feel like it's safe to confront the gaslighter, respond by saying, “No. I know what happened. This is what happened…”
- If you don't want to argue with the gaslighter say, "I'm not getting pulled into this," and walk away. If you can't walk away, ignore the gaslighter as much as possible.^{[4]
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- Even when a gaslighter tries to make you apologize or feel bad through their lies, stay strong. Don’t apologize or make self-deprecating comments. Your experience and the truth matter!

2

Confront insults or accusations in the moment.

If you feel safe doing so, defend yourself by setting clear boundaries. When someone pushes past one of your emotional boundaries with mean language, you might feel really hurt, angry, or upset. Listen to your body’s response and acknowledge that you’re allowed to feel that way. Then, respond by telling the gaslighter how you feel, and let them know you don’t want to talk to them if they’re going to treat you that way.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.} If they ignore your emotional boundaries, try to leave the room or situation.^{[6]
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- Say, “I’d prefer if you spoke to me in a more polite way.”
- Respond to a gaslighter’s hurtful claims or tone by saying something like, “It’s hard for me to communicate with you when you call me names like ‘stupid.’”
- Respond to an accusation like “You’re too emotional” or “Well, if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have punished you” by saying, “I understand why you might feel that way, but I feel a different way, so I think the situation is unfair.”^{[7]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}

3

Set physical boundaries.

Spend time out of the house, move away, or get a lock on your door. If you live at home and are still in school, join more clubs or participate in afterschool programs to reduce the time you have to spend at home. If you live far away, set a rule for how often to communicate with your parents. If you feel like it’s safe to bring up these boundaries in a conversation, communicate your boundaries to your parents.^{[8]
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- “I’d prefer if you just came to my apartment for dinner instead of staying for the weekend.”
- “Every day, I’m going to go over to a friend’s house to study. I’ll be back after dinner.”
- “I’ll call you every Saturday, but I won’t take your calls throughout the workweek.”

4

Write or record self-affirmations.

Try this if you don’t feel like you can confront your gaslighter. You’re an incredible person who has so much to offer, but when you’re dealing with a gaslighter, it can be hard to remember that. Contradict any negative statements a gaslighter has made about you and remind yourself of your worth by repeating positive statements, either aloud or in a private journal.^{[9]
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- “My feelings matter.”^{[10]
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- “I deserve to be cared for and loved.”
- “I'm being responsible, not selfish, when I make my needs clear.”
- Encourage yourself at tasks or activities with statements like “I did really well at my soccer game today.”^{[11]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}

5

Rebuild your self-esteem.

Pursue activities and spend time with people who lift you up. You deserve love and affirmation from those around you, so lean into the relationships in your life that bring you joy. Either with your friends, or on your own, try out volunteering, a new hobby, or new type of exercise to show yourself what you can do!^{[12]
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Research source} If it’s tough to connect with your sense of self, you can turn to a counselor who’ll be glad to give you that extra boost towards building a strong sense of confidence.^{[13]
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- Record yourself saying the phrase “I love myself. I am valuable. I am worthy.” Play the recording to yourself or repeat the phrase multiple times every day.^{[14]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
  Go to source}
- Practice calming exercises like meditation or yoga.

6

Collect evidence to preserve a sense of reality.

Digitally record gaslighting or find a witness for the behavior. When you have proof that shows a gaslighter’s lies versus the real situation, you can affirm what you know to be true. Furthermore, if the abuse escalates, you can present the evidence to the authorities.^{[15]
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- You can record audio or video on your phone to catch a gaslighter being verbally abusive or lying.
- If you have a trusted friend or know a mental health professional, call them and keep them on the phone when you’re arguing with a gaslighting parent so you have a witness.
- Be very careful about storing the evidence where a gaslighter can find it. Upload digital recordings, photos, and videos to the cloud so that you have a backup.

7

Don’t wait for an apology or personality change.

Free up emotional energy by letting go of the relationship. It can feel really tough to let go of a connection with someone, but it’s an important step towards embracing a new life full of positive relationships. Gaslighters are often people with borderline or narcissistic personality disorders who might never recognize, genuinely apologize, or feel remorse for the way they treat you. You deserve more than that! When you choose to move on instead of waiting for an apology, you open the door to pursuing meaningful, constructive connections with other people in your life.^{[16]
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- Develop your support network by spending more time with friends and other family who affirm your emotions and experiences.^{[17]
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8

Cut communication ties if you’re an adult.

Choose when to call, text, and visit your parent. A gaslighter may needle you for explanations and try and argue with you about your desire to cut ties. Respond clearly and definitively by telling them how much you’re willing to communicate. Choosing to cut ties means that you’ll be more able to prioritize your well-being over the toxic relationship.^{[18]
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- “I’m happy to come home for two days over the holidays, but I’d prefer not to visit during the year.”
- “I’m only comfortable with talking to you when someone else, like Mom or my sister is around.”
- If your gaslighting parent tries to communicate to you through family friends or relatives, say, “I’d like to keep that relationship private. I’d prefer not to talk about my mom/dad/parents.”
- Join a support group for gaslighting or survivors of narcissistic abuse.

9

Consider family therapy.

Move toward healing and mediation with the gaslighter. When you go to family therapy, you’ll all talk to the therapist together in order to identify your family’s conflicts and problem-solve.^{[19]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} If you’re struggling to feel heard at home, a therapist can help make sure you get to voice your perspective. However, keep in mind that it’s very tough to get gaslighters to go to therapy and they’ll often refuse to admit they’re causing problems.^{[20]
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- To find a therapist, ask your primary care doctor for a referral or find one online. You can also ask a local church, mental health organization, or employee assistance program for a referral.

10

Talk to a counselor.

Rebuild your confidence and process this difficult situation in therapy. During or after enduring gaslighting, you’re not alone if you find yourself questioning your beliefs and experiences, and maybe even feeling hopeless or depressed. You can find a counselor or therapist to support your healing journey through your school or workplace’s mental health resources, your primary care doctor, or local mental health organizations. To make sure you find a great counselor, look for a mental health professional who is licensed by your state.^{[21]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- If you don’t have a driver’s license, try online counseling.
- If you can’t afford therapy, you can build a powerful support network by joining a local support group for people dealing with emotional abuse.^{[22]
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- As another free counseling alternative, search online for a nearby training clinic (where you’ll meet with a student of clinical therapy) or a community mental health organization that offers free counseling.^{[23]
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11

Report potential abuse if you are a child.

Continual insults, rejection, and berating signal emotional abuse.^{[24]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} If your parent doesn’t respect your boundaries and you experience gaslighting regularly or feel unsafe in your home, seek help. No one has the right to treat you that way! You can report emotional abuse by confiding in a trusted adult like a doctor, coach, caregiver, or teacher.
- Your teachers, caregivers, and school coaches are mandated reporters, meaning that they’re legally required to report suspected abuse to the specified authorities (which can include Child Protective Services and the police).
- To get more information on child abuse and referrals to the proper authorities, call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or Prevent Child Abuse America: 1-800-CHILDREN (1-800-244-5373).^{[25]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}