How to Deal With an Abusive Friend

Evaluate the quality of your friendship.^[5] Think about the abusive friend’s behavior within a context of your entire friendship. Is your abusive friend very close? Are they regularly abusive, or is their abusive behavior something you need to deal with only occasionally?

• If you think remaining friends with the abusive person is a possibility, talk to them about their behavior in an open, honest way in order to give them the chance to change.
• If you think the abusive friend is not worth the trouble they bring you, don’t bother trying to make them change. End the friendship and move on.^[6]

Set appropriate boundaries. Insist on enforcing healthy boundaries between yourself and your friend. The boundaries you set should be established over time, and continually revised in the face of the changing relationship between yourself and your friend.

• Specific boundaries will vary with individuals. However, whatever boundaries you set should enable you to live a full, healthy life free of fear, obligation, and guilt.
• Do not put yourself in situations where you will be abused.
• If you are not hurting anyone else, your feelings, desires, wants, and opinions should be respected. Any friend that disregards you in these respects should considered abusive and dealt with as such.
• Take care of yourself emotionally. Don’t ever feel guilty for disagreeing with an abusive friend or expressing yourself.
• Don’t let yourself be walked all over, controlled, or taken advantage of by an abusive friend.

Reduce the amount of time you spend with your friend.^[7] If your friend is regularly abusive, try to limit the time you spend with them. Remember, you are not forced to spend time with people you don’t like. When your friend wants to hang out, politely decline and, if you want to, offer an explanation like “I’m spending time with my family” or “I’m just staying home tonight.”

End the friendship. There’s no right way to end a friendship. You could gradually reduce the time you spend with your friend until you have cut them out of your life altogether, or you could drop them cold turkey and just refuse to see them again. If you want to meet in person, choose a public space to end the friendship, or contact them via email, text, or phone with the news that you don’t want to see them again. Say, for instance, “I value the good memories we had as friends, but I no longer want to be the victim of your mental and verbal abuse. I think it’s best if we don’t spend time with each other anymore.”

• Always be empathetic when ending your friendship and plan what you’re going to say before telling your friend that you want to end the friendship.
• Look at the end of your friendship with your abusive friend as a new start. Join clubs to meet new friends or deepen your friendships with other friends.
• Don’t use the end of your friendship as an opportunity to unleash pent-up frustration in a torrent of your own abuse.

Stay calm when dealing with abuse. Just because your friend is being abusive and rotten doesn’t mean you should be, too. Speak to your friend in a calm, even tone. Use only kind words, and avoid calling your friend names out of spite. This will only escalate the abusive situation and will not lead to a productive resolution.

• When your friend is being abusive, take deep breaths and count to ten. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.^[8]
• You could also take a time out from communicating with your friend by saying something like, “Let me get back to you,” then making an exit to a safe, quiet space where you can collect yourself and gather your thoughts.

Depersonalize the situation. Depersonalizing the situation means trying to understand what is motivating your friend to act in an abusive way. While you should not excuse your friend’s behavior, it will help you to understand it. Using your knowledge of your friend’s life history and experiences, try putting yourself in their shoes to see why they’re acting in an abusive way.

• Create a sentence using the form “It must not be easy...” For instance, you might say, “My friend is so abusive. It must not be easy for them to have been raised by overly critical parents."

Don’t feel as if you deserve abuse from your friend. You are never responsible for your friend's actions. Nothing that you’ve done or haven’t done could ever justify your friend’s abusive behavior.^[9]

• When you catch yourself giving mental space to ideas like, “My friend is only abusive because I deserve it,” fight them off with a positive mantra. For instance, you might tell yourself “I am a good person and I do not deserve to be abused emotionally or verbally.”

Ask yourself if you’re being abused in other ways. If you’ve long tolerated an abusive friend, you might have developed an expectation of abuse from other people in your life. Were you raised by a mentally and verbally abusive family? Do you have a spouse or partner who is abusive, as well? Individuals who suffer abuse tend to seek it out from others later in life.^[10]

Don’t feel guilty about cutting the friend out of your life.^[11] Making healthy choices for yourself means putting what’s right for you ahead of what’s right for your friend. Remember, your friend is the one who is behaving poorly, not you.

Don’t remain friends with an abusive friend out of fear. Some people stay friends with an abusive person because they are worried that they will not find another friend. Don’t be that person. Acting out of fear only makes it harder for you to deal with your abusive friend directly and resolve the situation.

• If you have long-term abandonment issues and anxieties surrounding the possibility of losing people close to you, consider talking to a psychologist. Psychologists are trained to help you understand your own feelings and fears in private therapy sessions.

Keep an eye out for emotional distancing.^[12] An abusive friend will make you feel as if you don’t matter or are not important. For instance, they might ignore you by not responding to your texts or calls if they feel they’ve been wronged. They might also tell you explicitly they don’t care what you do, or show interest in your feelings and thoughts.

Identify narcissism in your friend.^[13] Narcissists make everything about them, and care little for you. Typical narcissistic behavior includes an inability to laugh at themselves, admit their own shortcomings, or apologize when they were wrong. They might also blame you for their own problems or unhappiness.^[14]

Identify controlling behavior.^[15] Controlling behavior covers a huge variety of situations, but essentially refers to behavior intended to make you act in a particular way. For instance, perhaps your abusive friend insists that you change your clothes when you go out together in public, even when you’re dressed appropriately. An abusive friend might also insist that you buy them food, clothes, or other goods or services.

Look for shaming behavior from your friend.^[16] Shaming refers to the act of making you feel bad about who you are, what you like to do, or what you believe. Constant criticism and judging are the hallmarks of shaming behavior. If you have a certain opinion on something and your friend criticizes you for it, they are engaging in abusive shaming.

• For example, if you say you want to eat vanilla ice cream and your friend says vanilla ice cream is for babies, they are engaged in shaming behavior.
• Friends that shame you might respond to your insistence that they apologize or recant rude criticism by claiming that what they said was “just a joke.”