How to Deal With Mean Girls at School

Co-authored by Alyssa Chang

Last Updated: November 6, 2020 References

Meanness peaks during middle school, and can still go strong during high school. Insecurity can make some kids vicious. Mean girls participate in a kind of social bullying that is all about including some and attacking the rest. To escape their annoying games, build your own social life that has nothing to do with them.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Being Kind to Yourself

1
Practice self-soothing. Self-soothing is a way to help yourself feel better by doing things that you enjoy. If you are dealing with some mean girls on a daily basis, then it is important to practice self-soothing on a daily basis as well. You can do this by:
- Engaging in a favorite hobby. Make time for one of your favorite hobbies after school, such as drawing, knitting, playing an instrument, or writing. Whatever you enjoy doing, make sure that you set aside some time to do it.
- Pampering yourself. Another way to help yourself feel better is to do nice things for your body, such as taking a relaxing bath, giving yourself a manicure or pedicure, or doing some self-massage to ease tension in your muscles.
- Practicing relaxation techniques. Relaxation techniques can help you to relax and feel better as well. Try to include 15 minutes of a relaxation technique every day to help manage the stress of dealing with mean girls. For example, you can try meditation, yoga, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation.^{[1]
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  Expert Source
  
  Alyssa Chang
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
2
Deal with disappointment. When people are mean to you, it may be disappointing. This is especially true if you tried to be nice to them or tried to be their friends. If you are disappointed about these girls being mean to you, then it is important to deal with your disappointment in a healthy way. Some things that you can do include:^{[2]
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- Managing your emotions. It is important to stay calm and to avoid letting your emotions take over. Try doing something to express your emotions, such as writing in a journal or talking with a parent or school counselor.
- Not taking their mean behavior personally. Remember that when someone is mean to you, it is their issue and not yours. You didn’t do anything to cause someone to be mean to you.
- Reflecting on your expectations. Taking a moment to reflect on what you thought might happen and how realistic it was can also be helpful. For example, did you expect everyone to want to be your best friend? If so, then this is not a realistic expectation.
- Thinking realistically about how this might impact your life. Consider what kind of impact this experience might have on your life as a whole. For example, you might determine that some girls being mean to you is not going stop you from achieving your life goals, such as becoming a veterinarian. It is just a temporary issue.
- Looking for a new solution. It is also important to look for different ways to approach this situation to head off more disappointment. For example, it might be easier to expect these girls to be mean and to just prepare yourself for those encounters, rather than expecting them to suddenly be nice to you.
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3
Challenge unhelpful thoughts. When people are mean to you, it can affect your thoughts and cause you to beat yourself up sometimes. However, it is important to challenge these unhelpful and unrealistic thoughts. Work on recognizing unhelpful and unrealistic thoughts so that you can reframe them.
- For example, if you find yourself thinking, “Nobody likes me!” then you might ask yourself, is this realistic? What is my evidence for this thought?^{[3]
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  Research source} After answering these questions, you might determine that the thought is not actually realistic.
- Then, talk back to yourself and reframe this thought into something more realistic. You might respond to yourself, “Well, that is not true. There are plenty of people who like me a lot, such as my mom, my teacher, my best friend, and my grandparents.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Shutting the Bullies Down

1
Act uninterested. The best response to mean girl is lack of interest. If she doesn't think she can bug you, she'll stop trying. Put your bored face on when a mean girl is bugging you.
- If she says something mean in passing, act like you didn't hear her, or just roll your eyes and say nothing.
- Shut down mean comments with some bored sarcasm: "That's fascinating, Jeannette. You have so many…opinions."
2
Stand up for yourself. If the mean girls say something that is obviously an insult, call her out. Say "That's mean," or "I don't like it when you speak to me like that."
- Act confident. Even if you don't feel confident, act it. Take a deep breath and sit up straight. Remind yourself that nobody deserves to speak to you cruelly.
- Speak loud and clear, neither whispering or yelling: "I don't need your negativity."
- Maintain eye contact when you speak to her. This will help to make you seem more confident, which will help to send the message that you will not put up with this kind of talk.
3
Record what happened. Keep a record of all instances of teasing, cyberbullying, physical aggression, and insults. If the mean girl gets more aggressive, or never lets up, you'll have proof that her cruelty is a pattern.
- Write down the date, the time, the location, what was said or done, and who might have heard it.
- Take screenshots of mean texts and emails.
4
Report them. Mean girl bullying is bullying. It's never okay. Talk to your teachers, your school principal, your parents or guardians, and anyone else who cares about you. If they bully you via social media, report the unkind comments to the website.^{[4]
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- Report cyberbullying. If you're afraid your parents will take away your phone or computer, explain to them that you were afraid to tell them because you thought they'd take your devices away.
5
Shut them out. If you're being bullied online, block any of the commenters who say unkind things to you. You can make most social media sites friends-only. Don't be friends with the people who are unkind to you.^{[5]
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- If they give you a hard time about it, say "Oh, I decided I only want to follow close friends. There's so much extra stuff I don't care about on that website!"
- There are a few different ways to block someone on Facebook, such as using your privacy settings menu, going to the person’s page and using the drop-down menu, or using your mobile app. You can also block someone on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, and Snapchat.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Protecting Yourself

1
Avoid them. Avoid talking to, sitting near, or otherwise engaging with mean girls. If you have to talk to them, act uninterested and exit the conversation as quickly as possible. Avoid them in the halls, or ask friends to walk with you.^{[6]
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- You don't have to hide, but do try to stay out of their path. You can't be the target if you're not in their sight.
- Stay in the sight of adults if you're worried about being surrounded, loudly taunted, or otherwise flagrantly abused. Mean girls are less likely to attack if you're within earshot of a teacher or a hall monitor.
2
Rally support from your friends. You'll be a less vulnerable target if you are with friends. You'll also feel better if you have supportive company after a nasty incident. Tell your friends you're having trouble with mean girls, and tell them it would mean a lot to you if they looked out for you.^{[7]
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- Ask friends to walk with you in between classes.
- Make friends with people in each of your classes, and make a point of always sitting with them.
- When something unpleasant happens, tell your friends. If they're true friends, they’ll sympathize and support you.
3
Find safe spaces at school. Have a few places you know you can go if you're being bothered in the hall, at lunch, or before and after school. You can always duck into the principal's office or the nurse's office, but think of other spots as well.
- If you have any teachers who keep their rooms open at lunch, or if you can join clubs that meet at lunch, you can seek refuge there.
- Check out the rooms that are open to students outside of the main areas, and try hanging out there instead. Your school might have a gym, auditorium, or courtyard that you can hang out in outside the main gathering places.
4
Increase your social network. If you are new to a school or if you just don't have many friends, consider joining a team or a club. What are some of the most involved groups on your campus that don't have any bullies? Consider joining a sports team that meets often, an artistic extracurricular community that involves lots of work (like theater, choir, or a literary journal), or any other groups that interest you.^{[8]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Avoiding Traps

1
Act untouched by insinuations. Mean girls might imply that there is something wrong with you, which may either nag at you or push you into insulting yourself. Act like you aren't interested when a mean girl is picking on you. Don't put yourself down as a way of "agreeing" with them, or showing that you don't care about insults. It will just encourage them.
- For instance, if she says "You must love that shirt! You wear it like, every day! You don't even need to spend money on new clothes, because you have like, a favorite same outfit, right?" avoid responding.
- Good responses might include irony: "You sure are interested in my shirt," ironic silence (you can raise your eyebrows and smile), or a blunt factual statement: "I do like this shirt." Then turn and talk to someone else.
- Avoid questions or comments that show interest in what she's saying: "Do you mean I wear it to much? Are you saying I'm too poor to buy new clothes? Do you hate my shirt?"
2
Don't play their game. If you participate in the meanness, you'll end up feeling terrible, and you'll probably just give them more material to tease you with. Besides, mean girls practice all the time—if you sink to their level, they'll dominate. Rise above, and they won't be able to get a satisfactory response from you.^{[9]
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3
Affirm yourself. Don't believe the bullies. Mean girls exaggerate, make things up, and take a negative view of even the most positive things. Remind yourself every day that you are great.
- Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Think of anything that makes you happy, and do it more: this might include hanging out with certain friends, wearing the outfits you like the best, developing your talents, and spending time alone with nothing scheduled.
4
Don't try to make friends. You may long for a mean girl to like you, but this isn't the way out. Mean girls are meanest to their friends. If she thinks you want her approval, she'll use it against you. It's better to build your own life and not think about her.
- When you think about the mean girl, turn your attention to something else instead—someone nice, or an activity you enjoy, or an event you have coming up.