How To Handle Frustrating Friends & Coworkers: A Complete Guide

Keep your cool as you cope with others' weaknesses

Co-authored by Sandra Possing and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: February 20, 2023 References Approved

Intelligence is subjective, but sometimes, you might be forced to spend time with someone who really grinds your gears. How can they be so...dumb? Tough feelings like anger and annoyance may surface, and you may struggle to keep your cool. But the truth is, with a little help, you can stay poised in the face of frustration. We're going to walk you through all of the easiest and most effective tips, so that you can take calmly deal with difficult people. That way, you can walk away feeling proud of yourself for staying calm, cool, and collected.

Things You Should Know

Try to understand that some people won't meet your standards, as much as you wish that they would. Focus on their strengths, not their weaknesses.
If someone is difficult or rude, try not to feed fodder to the flame. Keep conversations light, and if they bait you, resist it.
Keep in mind that everyone has different strengths and backgrounds. Do your best to lead with understanding (not judgment) and you'll feel less frustration.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Adjusting Your Perspective

1
Remember, there's a difference between stupidity and a bad personality. People with difficult personalities can be smart, and people with lower intelligence can be joys to work with. Determine what exactly is leaving you feeling annoyed, and it'll be way easier to deal with your frustration.
- Stubbornness, bad listening, arrogance, and closed-mindedness are traits that might make up a difficult personality.
- Someone with low-intelligence may struggle to keep up, or struggle to understand things you try to explain. Still, they might be kind, cheery, and ultimately, well-meaning.^{[1]
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  Research source} Low intelligence is not a choice.
2
Keep in mind that not everyone can meet your standards. This one is tough, but very important. You may realize that in part, you're getting frustrated with others because you have high standards (which is fair enough). Still, you might find that you're happier in others' company when you're able to tweak your standards a bit. Everyone is different, and not everyone is going to be your cup of tea.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.}
- You can't control this person's attitude or intelligence, but you can control how you react to it. When you get upset, remind yourself: They're probably doing their best.
- On a related note, if someone routinely struggles with a certain thing, try not to expect them to magically improve. Instead, try accepting them and focusing on their positive qualities instead.
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3
Try to see things from their perspective.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.} Frustrated with a coworker who just can't seem to get it? Instead of focusing on how that makes things harder for you, try to remember how difficult it must be for them instead. It may be the last thing you want to do when tensions run high, but trust us: this will make you feel better in the long run.
- Plus, this way, you've taken a bad situation and turned it into a positive outcome. You've become a more compassionate, flexible person (in turn, making you a better friend and employee), which is huge!
4
Think critically about this person's background and disadvantages. Someone who you see as "dumb" might actually be doing the best with what life gave them. Say that they struggle with public speaking; but maybe, when you think more about it, you remember that they told you how much anxiety they feel in tough social moments. This might help you find a little extra compassion!^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Hard work isn't always enough. You might work with someone who tries as hard as they can to reach others' standards, but they still struggle.
5
Don't judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. As Albert Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” People have diverse skill sets. Maybe your disorganized coworker is super empathetic and kind. Maybe your friend who doesn't understand your opinion excels in creative arts.^{[5]
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- There are a lot of good traits people can have without being intelligent: kindness, creativity, dedication, honesty, et cetera.
- Would you like to be judged only by your lack of skill in one area? If not, you might decide that it's not fair to do to someone else.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Handling a Difficult Person

1
Remember that their bad attitude is not about you. You probably didn't do anything to deserve being belittled or insulted. If someone likes to treat other people badly, their behavior speaks to their character, not the character of their latest target (and not you).^{[6]
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- And remember, even good people have bad days sometimes. You might realize that someone well-meaning is acting a little snippy. That's not because of your behavior.
2
Know that you probably won't change a stubborn person's mind. For a lot of stubborn folks, their mindset isn't going to change, even when they're faced with facts. It's probably not actually about what's true, but rather, their own personal satisfaction. So instead of spending all of your time and energy on them, just let them do their thing (and focus on yourself instead).^{[7]
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- The less you engage, the less frustrated you'll feel in this person's presence.
3
Try to avoid controversial topics. If this person tends to get worked up about certain subjects, then focus on topics that are safe and pleasant. Politics, religion, and other high-tension conversations might end up feeling like a landmine. Instead, stick to pleasantries. Ask about the weather, how they're doing, or how their family has been.
- It might feel so tempting to try to one up them or prove them wrong, but it could strain your emotions and your relationships. Stick to the basics instead.
4
Kill 'em with kindness. Rude behavior tends to bring out the worst in people. Similarly, being kind may startle or confuse a rude person into behaving better. Or, it may make them realize that nobody will be on their side if they pick a fight with you. Skip rude or condescending behavior and instead, be exceptionally polite.
- Remember that it's much easier to be kind and polite than to be mean and nasty. Being mean is bad for your spirit and stress levels, and you're doing your own mental well-being a favor by being as nice as much as you can.
5
Don't react emotionally to their rude comments or wrong opinions. The person may be trying to get a reaction or drag you into a debate. Show them that it won't work by quickly acknowledging it and moving on, without sharing your opinion. Politely change the topic or excuse yourself.
- "How interesting. Anyway..."
- "Well, you're entitled to your opinion."
- "Funny! So, last night..."
- "Okay, then. I need to get going now."
6
Keep your emotions in check when they push your buttons. Show this person that their tactics aren't working. If you want to be the dominant person in a conversation, then you have to keep your cool. Sometimes, rude people will try to use your feelings against you in an effort to make you look silly. This is unfair and unkind behavior, but for your own sake, it's best not to give them the opportunity.
- Take some deep breaths, focus, and try to be patient. If it gets to be too much, excuse yourself to go for a walk.^{[8]
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- Remember that an emotional reaction will reward them by giving them attention.
7
Don't gossip or complain about them to their peers. It might be tempting to tell everyone just how awful this person is. But what good will that do? While some people may believe you, others may think you're trying to start drama or bully them. It's a quick way to make things even more emotionally charged.^{[9]
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- It's okay to confide in someone close to you about your personal problems. But it's best to choose someone mature who won't blab and doesn't have to interact with this person as much as you do.
8
Ignore them if there's no better option. Ignoring is generally rude, but if you've exhausted the polite options, then it may be the best you can do.
- If the person addresses you with a dumb comment, just smile and act like he said something pleasant instead of engaging with him.
- Though this might not be "taking the high road," it is a great way to protect your peace if you're out of options.
9
Walk away from a no-win situation. While you may be "trapped" in some cases (e.g. at work), other times, you may be able to step away. There's nothing wrong with saying "I have to get going now," or "I need to leave so I don't run late." You don't owe them an itinerary, so it's fine to just say you need to leave.^{[10]
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10
Enlist help if you're still struggling to handle this on your own. If someone is routinely rude to you and your strategies aren't working, then you may need backup. Try going to someone in charge or another person who can help you. Describe what's happening and ask for help.
- Lay out the objective facts of how this is affecting you and what you've tried on your own. This shows them that you've tried fixing it yourself.
- Remember that you're looking for resolution, not punishment. Ask "Can you help me fix this?" instead of "How are you going to make them stop?" The person may offer you advice, which you can try and then report back to them about.
11
Stay grateful for the good, reasonable people around you. If you often get frustrated at the irrationality or bad behavior of strangers, it might be because you're used to being surrounded by well-meaning, logical, respectful people. Take time to appreciate your luck.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Being Gracious to Unintelligent People

1
Assume they mean well until they prove otherwise. If someone has low intelligence, then what's more likely: that they're trying to upset you or that they don't know what they're doing? Their "weird" or "rude" behavior may be their clumsy attempt at doing things well. It's important to stay patient and guide them.
- This doesn't mean you should never correct them. Decide whether it's really important. Let the small things slide, and take time to explain the most important things.
- Take a moment to imagine how it would feel to be in their shoes: guessing at how to handle things, struggling and hoping for the best, and then getting yelled at when you didn't even know you had done something wrong? That would be awful.
2
Don't take their lack of skills personally. They may not know how to handle their emotions, respond well to situations, or do what you'd like them to do. Their lack of ability isn't an attack on you. They're probably doing as best as they can.^{[11]
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- Their skills are not a reflection of your relationship, their respect for you, or their dedication to success. Someone can want to please you and still struggle.
3
Be prepared to explain things more. They may not catch onto things as quickly and they may need more help understanding what you want for them. Try to explain things clearly, simply, and non-judgmentally.
- Some people can make leaps from A to D, while others might need to be guided from A to B, B to C, and C to D.
- Pictures, diagrams, and clear examples can help them understand better. Don't be afraid to pull out your phone or tell some stories that illustrate your point.^{[12]
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4
Be respectful, whenever possible. Everyone deserves basic decency. Try to keep a basic positive, polite attitude, even when you're disappointed they aren't catching on to something. Keep your manners and your wits.
- Resist the impulse to lose your temper or make snide retorts when they fumble. It's not helpful to either of you.
5
Acknowledge and encourage their strengths. Depending on the situation, the person may feel like they're floundering sometimes. Being positive and reminding them what they're good at can help their confidence and resilience so they can keep trying. Everyone is good at something. Don't let them lose sight of their strengths in the face of their weaknesses.^{[13]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Praise the behavior you want to see. If they succeed at something or learn from a mistake, tell them how happy you are to see it! It's great for their self-esteem and future performance.^{[14]
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- Remember your personal weaknesses. If you were struggling in one of those areas, how would you want people to treat you? Would you want punishment or support?

Community Q&A

Question

How do I deal with a mentally disabled person who is annoying me?

Community Answer

People with mental disabilities are going through a lot more internally than it appears. Their lives can be so difficult and they constantly struggle to be happy every day. Try to understand this and be grateful that your life isn't normally like this. Just ignore them in a peaceful manner or do something kind for them. They need kindness since most people don't understand their internal suffering.
Question

I'm often around dumb people who perceive me as being rude. What can I do to change their perception of me?

Community Answer

If you perceive yourself as being smarter than everyone around you (and it sounds like you do), that is why people think you're rude. Be nice and respectful to everyone, even if you think they are "dumb" and no one will accuse you of being rude. Even if you are smarter than a lot of other people, that doesn't make you a better or more valuable person.
Question

What if the man I love thinks I'm stupid and/or act stupid?

Community Answer

If he thinks you're stupid, your relationship won't progress because he doesn't respect you.