How to Date an Aspie

Tips to have a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship with an autistic person

Last Updated: February 11, 2023 References Approved

If you're an allistic (non-autistic) person dating an autistic person, it's a good idea to educate yourself on how an aspie will act in various relationship situation, or you might get offended by their seemingly cold attitude.

Steps

1
Expect different body language. Autistic people don't always make eye contact, sit still, or look at the person they are listening to. However, that doesn't mean they aren't paying attention. If your date has unusual body language, but is paying attention to you, then it's going well.^{[1]
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- Many autistic people listen better when they don't have to look at your eyes.
2
Flirt clearly and directly. Aspies don't always pick up on subtle cues, including subtle flirtation. It's helpful to be direct, so they don't get confused about your intentions.^{[2]
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Research source} Here are some things you can do:

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3
Most people with AS don't actually want to be "picked up" or compliments, they prefer intelligent conversation.^{[3]
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- Be extra courteous (e.g. holding doors)
- Take initiative by asking them out (e.g. "I think you're funny and cute; will you go out with me?")
4
People with AS tend to want to talk a thought through to its entirety. Let them finish rather than being rude and interrupting. Interrupting someone with AS is difficult for them to get back on track, so be patient and listen.
5
Ask your date's boundaries. Autistic people may be uncomfortable with certain types of touch and intimacy, because of sensory issues. To find out what works for them, just ask. Having a clear conversation is easy for many autistic people, and you'll get a clear sense of what your partner likes.
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Give them enough alone time to process information and situations.
7
Be aware that loud, bright, and crowded environments are like their own personal hell.^{[4]
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Research source} They will need to avoid these places or have a clear time limit of how long they will be in them in order to deal with the overstimulation.
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People with AS decompress in different ways than NTs. This could be being alone, staring off into space, or stimming. They need to do these things and it is not a choice - it is a need.
9
- "Do you want to hold hands?"
- "How about a kiss?"
- "Hey, I'm behind you. Want a hug?" (Some autistic people startle easily when touched from behind.)
10
Ask for clarity if you're confused about what your date is thinking or doing. Aspies often can relate to being confused in social situations, and your date will likely be happy to tell you what's on their mind. Here are some examples of things you can ask:
- "You're looking at the window a lot. Is something going on, or do you just like to look out windows when you're listening?"
11
Be clear about your own thoughts and feelings. Picking up on body language can be difficult work for an autistic person, and they might not realize what's going on, or guess completely wrong. If you want them to know your feelings, the easiest way is to express them out loud.
- "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm a little on edge today because of my dad coming. You did nothing wrong."
- "I wish you would have told me earlier about Amy's math meet. I would like to have rearranged my schedule so that I could be there for her."
- "It hurt my feelings when you said that my beard looked like a hipster beard."
12
Respect their space, and let it go as slowly as it needs to.^{[5]
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Research source} Some autistic people like to have things "just so," and having a stranger or acquaintance in a personal area feels unnerving to them. Let things move slowly, and ask before coming over.
- Don't assume that an invitation into their house means sex. Since autistic people tend to think literally, your date may think that an invitation indoors is nothing more than an invitation indoors.
13
Talk about sex before trying it. Everyone has different preferences and boundaries, and autistic people's preferences may be different from what you typically expect. Some have sensory issues that make it difficult, while others have enhanced sensation. Talk to your partner and see how they feel about it.^{[6]
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14
Talk to your date about how you want them to respond to problems. Aspies can struggle with feelings, and may find it easier to focus on problem-solving. If your partner isn't responding in a way that helps you, tell them what you need instead, such as "I know you mean to help by offering advice, but right now, I just really need to vent."
- Autistic people may become extremely upset if they believe that they harmed someone else, physically or emotionally.^{[7]
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  Research source}Using "I" phrasing is a good way to communicate when they do something that hurts you, in a way that is less likely to make them panic.
- Don't avoid discussing your feelings for fear of upsetting them. It's important to be honest; your feelings are also important, and your date will recover.
15
Be prepared for your partner to show and experience emotions differently. They may not understand their own feelings (alexithymia), and thus act less emotional than others (e.g. not appearing to grieve when a family member dies, even though they're very upset). This does not mean that they aren't experiencing emotions.
- Autistic people may react with a problem-solving approach: they see that you are upset, and they are determined to fix it so you can be happy. They may not realize that you don't want advice, just a listening ear.
- Autistic people may appear emotionless, even when they are experiencing deep emotions.^{[8]
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16
Be ready for a meltdown. Meltdowns are the result of bottled-up stress exploding, and are not done on purpose. React calmly and compassionately if this happens, and get your partner away from the situation that triggered it. Sitting them down somewhere familiar for a bit will help.^{[9]
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- Taking them outside, or to a quiet place, usually helps.
- Avoid touching them or talking unnecessarily; they may not be able to handle it.
- Offer things that typically calm them (e.g. weighted blanket, tight hug, white noise). If they say no, don't push; it means that thing would be unhelpful.
- Let them have time to calm down afterwards.
17
Appreciate your partner's special interest(s). Many autistic people have a few favorite subjects (sports statistics, cats, writing fiction) that they are very passionate about. These are a great way to their heart. Ask questions about the subject, get involved (e.g. reading their work or going to a game together), and use it as inspiration for birthday gifts.

Warnings

Don't make fun of them! They can't help their differences. Calling them wimps or cowards, even teasingly, can hurt their feelings.

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Try not to take out your bad day on your partner, as autistic people don't deal well with angry loved ones.

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Aspies are often bullied, and may not stand up for themselves very well, especially if the bullying is subtle. Be prepared to stand up for your aspie.

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You may be given a hard time for having an aspie boyfriend or girlfriend, this comes from people who have little or no knowledge of autism or those who are prejudiced against autistic people.

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If you move in together, let your aspie organize shelves and drawers.

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Along those same lines, some are fine with being called an Aspie, and some are not. Respect their opinions on how they refer to themselves/condition.

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