How to Date a Nerd

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: August 25, 2022 References

A stereotypical nerd is somewhat socially awkward, doesn't care for mainstream activities or pursuits, and has a few intense, very obscure interests. Dating a nerd is a great idea--nerds can be sweet, witty, passionate, and intelligent! Of course, every nerd is unique, and nerdiness is definitely a spectrum, but there are some general guidelines that can help make your nerdy relationship work. First, you'll need to understand how to spark a nerd's interest. Once you've found the nerd of your dreams, build a strong relationship by accepting them with all of their quirks and unusual passions.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Capturing a Nerd's Interest

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Don't assume disinterest. Nerds often have social anxiety. They might ask questions to keep the conversation going, but become so worried about what to say next that they don't listen to your answers.
- Give the nerd time to open up to you. They'll be better at listening once they feel more at ease.
2
Ask about their passions. Nerds often have a few very intense passions. Common nerd passions include computers, video games, and sci-fi. Nerds love talking about their passions, so be an avid listener if you want to capture a nerd's interest.^{[1]
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- Listen for as long as you can. If you become too bored, gently steer the conversation in a different direction.
- It's alright if you don't share some of the nerd's interests. Keep an open mind. If you still find yourself drawn to a nerd after listening to them ramble about Star Trek for 20 minutes, it's worth getting to know them better.
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3
Show your nerdy side. Nerds understand “weird” passions or obsessions--they have some very intense ones of their own. To get a nerd's attention, open up about your nerdy passions. Talk about your weird collection of porcelain cats, or your penchant for experimenting with puff pastry.^{[2]
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- Don't worry if your quirky interests aren't stereotypically nerdy--share them anyway. It's the passion behind them that counts. Nerds can respect passion and dedication.
4
Be direct. Because nerds often have a difficult time with social cues, subtle hints are often lost on them. Be obvious in showing that you're interested. Consider telling your nerd explicitly that you want to date them.^{[3]
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- Say something like, “Hey, I really like you. We should spend more time together.”
5
Make your body language clear. Nerds often have a difficult time reading body language, or lack the confidence to act on body language hints. You might think that intense eye contact during a conversation shows you are interested, but they may not see it that way.^{[4]
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- Be open and expressive with your body language. Instead of throwing subtle, flirty glances from across the room, approach them.
6
Avoid small talk. Small talk describes the shallow and often predictable conversations that people have when they don't know each other very well. Nerds hate small talk. If you're trying to spark a nerd's interest, steer clear of small talk and jump to the deeper stuff.^{[5]
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- Small talk conversation topics include the weather, your surroundings, or traffic. Avoid these.
- Instead, talk about one of your passions, the inspiring novel you just read, or your weird hobby.
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Be yourself. Let your quirks show through. Nerds love the challenge of deciphering a puzzle. By revealing your unique personality, you'll keep a nerd engaged.^{[6]
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- Do you have an irrational fear of worms, or a strange love for extra-soggy cereal? Don't be afraid to tell them!
- If you're feeling nervous about being yourself, use positive self-talk to boost your confidence. Tell yourself, “It's safe to be my genuine self.”
- Don't try to change yourself to fit the nerd mold. If you are a nerd, that's great! Otherwise, just be true to yourself. If you are truly compatible, this will be enough.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Understanding Your Partner

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Take an interest in your partner's passions.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.} While you don't need to become proficient in Klingon, you should make an attempt to understand your partner's obsessions. Follow some of the movies, books, and games that your partner loves. Who knows--maybe they'll become your obsessions, too.^{[8]
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- A relationship is a two-way street. You should show some interest in your partner's passions, and demand that your partner do the same for you.
- Don't worry if you don't understand some of your partner's passions. While some shared interests are important, you don't need to share all of them.
2
Don't try to “cure” them. Your partner's nerdy obsessions and social awkwardness make them who they are. You shouldn't try to change them, and moreover, you won't be able to. If you can't accept them, then you probably shouldn't be together.^{[9]
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- Don't tease your partner for their mysterious obsessions. They've likely had to put up with such teasing their entire life, and more of it will only cause them to withdraw.^{[10]
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3
Respect your partner's routine. Nerds often thrive on routine. They are very sensitive to change, whether it be at work, on the road, or at home. Simply moving an item in your partner's room might upset them.^{[11]
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- You partner may have a designated space in the home where they like to work or pursue their hobbies undisturbed. They value the predictability and security of this space, so be certain not to violate any boundaries. Ask before cleaning their space or moving any of their things.
4
Find a balance between spontaneity and routine. If you are the type of person that craves spontaneity, dating a routine-oriented nerd might seem challenging. However, you can still do spontaneous things with your partner, like traveling, by combining more spontaneous activities with more structured activities.
- For example, if you want to go on vacation with your partner, have a balance of very structured, highly scheduled days, and days that are more laid back.
5
Be prepared to explain mainstream pursuits. This might sound counterintuitive. Shouldn't the nerd be explaining to you? The truth is, you'll probably know more about many subjects than your partner. Nerds tend to specialize in one area of knowledge, which means you'll probably know more than they do about more mainstream things, like cars, pro football, and non-science-fiction movies.^{[12]
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- Don't belittle your partner for not knowing much about mainstream topics. Instead, try patiently explaining.
6
Take an interest in their friends. Your partner's friends are important to them. You should take an interest in them, despite the fact that they'll probably be pretty nerdy, too. That's not to say you need to spend every night LARPing together. Rather, make sure you hang out with them sometimes, ask them questions, and are generally friendly.^{[13]
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- You may not like all of your partner's friends, but you should accept them. Try to understand and appreciate what they bring to your partner's life.^{[14]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Building a Strong Relationship

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Respect your partner. Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and a relationship with a nerd is no different.^{[15]
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- You shouldn't only respect your partner for their technical skill. Respect them as a person.
- You can show respect by listening to your partner's needs and desires, telling your partner you respect them for who they are, supporting your partner's choices, and showing gratitude and appreciation for your partner in front of others.^{[16]
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  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
2
Find activities you both enjoy. You don't need to share all of your interests. It's perfectly fine if you can't wrap your mind around the beauty of coding or cosplay. That being said, every healthy relationship requires some shared interests. Find these, and explore them together.^{[17]
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- Try watching TV shows and movies that nerds and non-nerds alike can enjoy, like Game of Thrones or Star Wars.
- Teach your partner about one of your own more obscure interests. They may come to find that they enjoy it, too!
3
Hold your partner accountable in conversation. Nerds tend to be highly interested in topics that are relevant to their current passions and ignore those that are not. For example, you may find your partner has difficulty listening to your recap of your day. Let them know that this bothers you, and that you'd like their full attention.^{[18]
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- Tell them, “I really want to share my experiences with you, and it would mean a lot to me if you would listen.”
- Remember, your partner is not trying to be rude! They just need a little wake-up call sometimes.
4
Challenge your partner with logical discussions. You partner should challenge you, and you should do the same for your partner. This is key for personal growth.^{[19]
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Research source} Nerds love logic, so engage in some reasoned debates with your nerd. You'll probably end up learning a lot, and grow closer to your partner at the same time.^{[20]
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- Pick a subject that you are interested in, and do a little research. Your passion will show through, making for a more engaging discussion.
5
Avoid getting overly emotional during conflicts. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, nerd relationships included. However, because nerds are focused on facts, they don't respond well to overly-emotional or illogical arguments. Focusing on logical arguments will help you address conflicts with your partner.^{[21]
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Give it time. Nerds often understand logic and facts better than they understand emotion. It may take a while for your partner to be able to open up to you, so be patient.^{[22]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if the person I'm dating is socially awkward?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Take time to learn what makes them uncomfortable, then respect their boundaries. For example, they may not enjoy going to large gatherings, or they may need some extra support if you're attending a party. Whatever it is they need, try your best to support them.
Question

I am dating an adorable nerd. When I am around him, I tend to get EXTREMELY shy. How would I be able to open up more to him and show him I like him without seeming obsessive?

Community Answer

Nerds sometimes have difficulty with social cues, so you should make your feelings clear. That being said, give him space, too. You'll want to be direct without appearing clingy. Also, realize that he is probably just as nervous as you are! This might help with some of the shyness you're experiencing.
Question

I kissed a nerd, and I want to kiss him again. What should I do?

Community Answer

Look for signs that he is interested. If he seems flustered around you, gives you a lot of attention on social media, or seems to hang around you a lot, he may like you! If you think he's interested, try making the first move. This might seem a little scary, but being honest and upfront about your feelings is usually a good idea.

Warnings

Be patient. Don't write off the relationship after its first bump. Nerds don't always communicate well, which can make it hard to get to know them.

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