How to Confront a Friend Who Avoids You

Friends can become such a meaningful part of our lives that sometimes we cannot imagine life without them. So when a friend begins avoiding you or giving you the cold shoulder, you may feel very confused or hurt by it. Through assessing the situation properly, talking with your friend, and repairing your friendship, you can move forward and avoid these issues in the future.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Assessing the Situation

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    Reach out to your friend to determine if you are being avoided. Perhaps you and your friend have not spoken in a few days or even weeks. Though it has been a while, this does not necessarily mean that you are being ignored.[1] Shoot your friend a text or give them a phone call. If they pick up or respond, and the two of you chat for a while, then it is very likely that they were not ignoring you but have just been busy or forgetful instead.[2]
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    Consider when the avoidance began. If your friend does not pick up your phone calls or return your texts, you may in fact be getting ignored. If so, consider when this avoidance began. If you regularly talked to your friend once or twice a day, and now you only hear back from them once a week, think back on what point your conversation started slowing down. This may give you some clues as to why your friend might be avoiding you.
    • Also, consider any factors that may have led them to be less communicative. For instance, if they are applying to colleges or if they just lost a close relative, they likely don’t have either the time or the desire to be particularly chatty.
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    Determine what changes have occurred.[4] Take some time to reflect on the changes that have now occurred in your friendship. In addition to knowing when the changes began, it’s important to know exactly what changes have transpired. If your friend is no longer making eye contact with you or sitting beside you in class, for instance, these are likely very big changes for you. The level of detachment from you that they display will indicate how serious this avoidance is.
    • Write down how these changes have affected you.
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    Identify your part in your friend’s distance. Most friends will not begin being distant or avoiding you for no reason. Take some time to think back to when your friendship changed and what could possibly have happened to cause this.
    • Consider whether or not you may have insulted your friend or lied to them about something.
    • If you did do something wrong, be prepared to apologize to them when you next speak or do so now.
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    Talk to someone you trust. If your friend hasn’t reached out to you for a while and is avoiding you, you likely feel a bit sad or upset, so talk to someone you trust about this issue like your parents. They have likely been avoided in the past by friend and have advice to give you on how to move forward.[5]
    • Consider talking to other relatives as well like aunts, uncles, or grandparents.
    • You can also talk to your school counselor if it is really bothering you.
    • Talk to your mutual friends. Your mutual friends likely have the best insight into why your friend is avoiding you.
    • You might say to them “Hey, [insert friend’s name] has been avoiding me lately and I don’t know what’s up. Do you know?”
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Having a Conversation

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    Set aside time to talk. Reach out to your friend very politely and as casually as possible to see if they would be willing to sit down and talk to you soon.[6] If possible, meet in person, but if not a phone call can work, as well.[7]
    • It’s best to meet in a quiet location like a park. Or you can meet at school somewhere.
    • Say something like “Hey, we haven’t really spoken in a while, but I would really like to find some time to meet and talk for a bit if you’re up for it. We can go wherever you like.”
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    Be honest about how you feel, but avoid being defensive at all costs.[8] When you meet up or begin your phone call, make sure to express to your friend your honest and true feelings about being avoided or ignored. If there have been specific times that have particularly hurt you, bring those to their attention and tell them how they made you feel. Now is the time for truth with one another so that you can get to the bottom of the real issue.[9]
    • For instance, you might say, “It’s really hurt me over the last few weeks that we haven’t spoken. Usually, when I reach out you get back to me quickly, but lately I haven’t heard from you. It’s really been bothering me because I consider you to be a good friend.”
    • Frame your questions as “I” statements — asking your friend a bunch of “Why?” questions may put them on the defensive and make them feel as though they are being interrogated. Instead of saying, "Why haven't you gotten back to me?" try saying, “I value you as a friend, and I am disheartened that I haven’t heard from you in such a long time. Is there something I may have done to offend you or hurt your feelings in any way?”
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    Listen to hear, not to speak. After you have spoken your peace, listen to your friend intently. Allow them to explain to you why they were avoiding you or whether or not they have just been very busy for the last few weeks.[10] Don’t wait for them to finish just so you can respond but truly listen to them so you can better understand the situation and perhaps prevent it in the future.[11]
    • Don’t interrupt them or be rude.
    • Apologize if they tell you that you have offended them in anyway. Try not to argue over the point — providing an apology will help heal any pain they may be experiencing and start mending the friendship.
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    Remain calm. Explaining to your friend how hurt you were by being avoided can be very emotional for you, and finding out that they have been avoiding you can also be really upsetting. In order for the conversation to be productive, it’s important that you remain calm and don’t become dramatic. Keep your emotions in check so that you can respond to your friend logically.[12]
    • Practice deep breathing to help you remain calm. During the conversation, breathe in deeply and quietly through your nose and exhale slowly. This will help keep your heart rate at a normal level.
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    Be empathetic.[13] If your friend has been avoiding you for a legitimate reason, be very empathetic to that and tell them you’re sorry for not being more understanding. Your friend may have felt hurt by you or may be dealing with their own issues right now, but either way, you should strive for deeper understanding and love for them and work to either fix what you did wrong or support them in their difficulties.
    • Again, if you have hurt them in anyway, offer a sincere and genuine apology.
    • If they have been dealing with issues that you were unaware of, express your support for them and tell them that you will always be there for them if they want to talk about it.
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    If necessary, write a letter. Your friend may be upset with you or may just not want to speak to you at all. In this case, you can reach out to them by writing them a letter or email expressing your feelings and apologizing if you have done anything wrong.
    • Since you have at this point reached out to them via phone and by letter, try to make this the last time that you reach out. You don’t want to burden them or make them feel stalked. Say your peace and let that be the end of it.
    • You can also write to them on social media if you don’t have their address.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Repairing Your Friendship

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    Give them some space. After you have reached out to your friend, whether you have spoken to them or just written a letter, give them some time to think. You have been the primary person reaching out for quite some time so allow them some time to miss you enough to then reach out to you. Your friendship will feel more reciprocal because of it. If you are always the one making the first contact, things will feel very one sided and that is not a true friendship.
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    Prepare for all possibilities. Though you likely want this friendship to be restored, you must also be prepared for a reality in which that does not occur. Your friend may be too upset with you, dealing with too much, or perhaps just disinterested in friendship with you at this point. Though that may seem overwhelming, remember that it is okay. It is always sad to lose a friend, but remember that there are plenty of others to be made.[14]
    • Make sure, however, if you did offend your friend in some way, to not do the same to your friends from here on out.
    • Consider the best and worst case scenarios in this situation. Make your peace with either situation before they even happen and just go with the flow.
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    Don’t ignore them back. If you and your friend do reconnect, that’s great! You may be feeling happy about this, but you also may feel the need to get them back for avoiding you. Remember, however, that this will only put an even deeper strain on your friendship and in the end, it won’t make you feel better.[15] Actively work to be the kind of friend that you want to have.[16]
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    Move forward with your friendship. Once your friendship is beginning to return to normalcy, work to do the things that you used to do before this issue occurred. Hang out at each other’s houses, go to the movies, go out to eat, and do whatever makes you happy and helps the two of you connect.
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    Avoid future issues. After getting your friend back, actively work to avoid issues in the future that would lead to you being avoided again. If you upset your friend in the past, make sure to avoid the behavior that caused it. Also, make sure that you friend knows that avoiding someone is not the best way to go about things, but being direct is. Ask them to be open and honest with you in the future.[17]
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    If necessary, let them go. After you have done all that you can do to restore the friendship, you may find that it is not enough, and that is okay. You are still a good person and you deserve friendship from someone who you don’t have to beg for it. Let your friend go and work to create new and longer lasting friendships.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do you confront someone without attacking them?
    Jessica George, MA, CHt
    Jessica George, MA, CHt
    Certified Professional Master Life Coach
    Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).
    Jessica George, MA, CHt
    Jessica George, MA, CHt
    Certified Professional Master Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    Go to the source, be kind, and ask them if something is wrong or if they feel like they have something to discuss. If they ask why, you can simply say that you're worried because you're seeing their behavior change a bit, and you just want to make sure that they're okay. Avoid being defensive as you start the conversation.
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Warnings

  • If one of your friends keeps on giving you the cold shoulder, and you are constantly left wondering what you did, it might be time for a new friend. This is manipulative behavior and it is not okay.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References

  1. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  2. ↑ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140617152601-43977891-the-psychology-of-ignoring-or-giving-someone-a-cold-shoulder/
  3. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  4. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  5. ↑ http://calgaryconnecteen.com/my-best-friend-is-now-avoiding-me-what-should-i-do/
  6. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  7. ↑ http://calgaryconnecteen.com/my-best-friend-is-now-avoiding-me-what-should-i-do/
  8. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  9. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/health/sex-health/q-and-a/a27673/guy-friend-mixed-signals/
  1. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  2. ↑ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140617152601-43977891-the-psychology-of-ignoring-or-giving-someone-a-cold-shoulder/
  3. ↑ https://www.quora.com/My-friend-is-avoiding-me-I-told-him-how-I-feel-and-asked-for-an-explanation-but-he-failed-to-respond-What-should-I-do
  4. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  5. ↑ http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/friend-acting-distant-giving-cold-shoulder/
  6. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.
  7. ↑ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140617152601-43977891-the-psychology-of-ignoring-or-giving-someone-a-cold-shoulder/
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments

About This Article

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Co-authored by:
Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
This article was co-authored by Jessica George, MA, CHt. Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP). This article has been viewed 33,802 times.
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Co-authors: 12
Updated: October 21, 2022
Views: 33,802
Categories: Friends | Handling Friendship Problems
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