How to Communicate Effectively With Children

Last Updated: November 12, 2022 References

As anyone who has worked with a child can attest, communicating with children can be difficult. Whether it is a language barrier between a parent and toddler, a battle of wills between an authority figure and a teenager, or a simple misunderstanding between a teacher and adolescent, adult-child communication can be quite complicated. Using simple strategies, however, you can not only communicate with children but do so effectively. It simply requires listening, showing an interest, establishing boundaries, and learning to compromise.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Listening to Your Child Effectively

1
Set aside time to communicate. Communication does not happen in half-hearted grunts or passing phrases. To truly and effectively communicate, set aside time for discussion, connection, or even just casual conversation, and watch your relationship flourish.^{[1]
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- If your family has a lot going on, set aside 1-2 nights a week for family dates, or one-on-one dates with your kids.
- Choose a time that does not conflict with other obligations. Set aside time that does not have other obligations or prior plans, such as a meeting or class.
2
Turn off all devices. Your phone, computer, or television is a distraction, and will not aid you in communicating with children. When it comes time to talk, do not allow these objects in the room, or keep them turned off. Turn off your phone, power down your computer, and leave your TV behind.^{[2]
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- If you find cell phones or computers are being particularly problematic in your family’s communication attempts, set a rule to have no phones or computers out an hour before bed, or from dinner onward--then enforce the rule, and hold yourself accountable.
- If the child in question is the one using the phone and not listening during class or while you are trying to talk, kindly request that the phone is put away for the next five minutes.
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3
Make eye contact. Whether you are talking or listening, make eye contact. Don’t stare the child down, but make sure it is clear that the child has your full attention and awareness. Don’t glance around the room as they speak, and don’t look over their head as you speak. Hold eye contact whenever possible.^{[3]
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Iddo DeVries, MA-SLP
Speech-Language Pathologist
Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.}
- Be careful of your gaze. Although you should make eye contact, do so naturally, rather than staring the child down. Blink as you normally would, and feel free to occasionally glance down to watch the child’s hands as they talk, or their mouth as it moves.
- If you cannot hold eye contact, get on your knees or sit down so your eyes are on the same level. This encourages open communication and suggests you and the child are on equal footing.
4
Hold your tongue. When a child talks, you may feel tempted to immediately leap to respond. Hold your tongue, instead, and wait a few minutes to process what they have said before responding. In an argument, this will help avoid impulsive language, and in a friendly discussion, this will demonstrate that you are genuinely listening to what they have to say.^{[5]
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- There is never a situation where hurrying to respond is a good idea. Take your time. Your conversations and time spent with children should not be rushed.
- Keep in mind that children and teenagers are usually very good at manipulation and getting a rise out of adults.
5
Practice mindfulness. Stay in the present moment. Don’t allow your mind to wander while you are speaking or sitting with a child. Keep your mind and eyes focused on the task at hand. Even if you are sitting comfortably in silence, don’t let your mind travel to your to-do list--pay attention to the child’s body language, breathing patterns, and silent communication.^{[6]
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- Encourage children to practice mindfulness with you. Gently point out if a child’s attention has started to wander, or they have become less engaged. Lead by example, and teach kids how to be present.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Showing Interest

1
Ask about the child’s day. Although this might be met with a nonsensical gurgle from a toddler, get in the habit of asking about the child’s day. When started from a young age, a child will feel secure in knowing that they are cared for.^{[7]
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- When you ask, be prepared to listen. If you don’t have enough time to devote to the answer, wait to ask the question. If you make a habit of asking about a kid’s day but are too busy or distracted to listen to the answer, you defeat the purpose of asking.
2
Get involved in the child’s hobbies. Encourage your child in their hobbies, but don't force them to do things. If a toddler is interested in butterflies, suggest a trip to the library to check out a book about butterflies. If an adolescent is passionate about politics, have a small, civil debate. If a teenager is head-over-heels for playing the oboe, ask them to play a small concert for you.^{[8]
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- There is a fine line between getting involved, and being overbearing. Ask how you can get involved, and how they would like you to be involved.
3
Rephrase and repeat what the child has said. When a child speaks with you--particularly about serious things--repeat what they’ve said back to them, using your own words, and following with, “Right?” or “Do I understand?” This will not only let the child know that you are listening but will give them a chance to clarify if you have misunderstood what they’ve said.^{[9]
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- Misunderstanding is one of the greatest pitfalls in effective communication. If you are not sure what a child means by something, take a few moments to ask and continue to practice this step until you have a clear idea of what is being said.
4
Practice having an open mind. Communication is a two-way street and requires both parties to have an open mind about the other’s opinions and ideas. While you can’t enforce a child’s willingness to be open-minded, you can certainly make sure that you keep your own mind open and welcome new ideas.^{[10]
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- Being open-minded is not the same as being inconsistent or easily swayed. Being open-minded simply means listening to the opinions and views of others, and not immediately discounting them if they run counter to your own. Make sure your child's ideas and feelings are validated.
- Remember that a child is a separate entity with their own feelings, ideas, and dreams, and should be treated as such.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Establishing Boundaries

1
Establish what will and will not be tolerated. While communication is certainly about openness, it is also about setting limits and boundaries. Clearly identify what is and is not off-limits to children.
- Children need boundaries to feel safe and secure. This is as true of an 18-month-old as it is an 18-year-old senior in high school. Setting boundaries gives children the freedom to make their own decisions without constantly needing to consult others.
- Try to get your child or teen involved in setting boundaries as they are more likely to follow them this way and see that their opinions are valued.
2
Practice an open-door policy with caveats. Children should never feel too afraid or ashamed to speak to you, so an open-door policy is the best possible policy to have. That being said, do have some caveats: although you are open to hearing whatever is going on, some behaviors and admissions may result in consequences.^{[11]
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Zero to Three
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing resources to ensure that all babies and toddlers have a healthy start to life.
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- Some parents use a “safety circle” or another tool to encourage children to be open and honest while keeping punishments low or nonexistent. Decide if this is the right decision for your family or situation.
- You can also encourage open communication with the understanding that a fair consequence should be expected. For instance, a child may admit that they’ve broken a window with the understanding that they must contribute to the cost of repairing the window.
3
Practice saying “no” firmly and kindly. A toddler might think playing with the computer cord is great fun, or an adolescent might prefer riding their bike in the street. Kindly but firmly let children know what types of behavior are not acceptable, and provide an absolute “no.”^{[12]
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- When saying “no,” remember that not every “no” is a negative answer. Instead, let children know that a “no” is like a fence or bodyguard that keeps them safe.
- Be sure to teach your child that is it okay for them to say "no" sometimes as well.
4
Explain the “why” of your decisions. Do not merely toss out a “because I said so” when you are discussing boundaries and limitations with children. Even as young as infancy, explain your motives and reasons for your decisions.^{[13]
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- As you place an infant on the ground for tummy time, for instance, you can quickly say, “I am going to set you down for tummy time so you can get stronger.”
- When you tell a school-age child they cannot go to a friend’s sleepover, explain that you do not know your friend’s parents, and you do not feel comfortable entrusting their safety to a stranger.
- Keep in mind that you don't always have to explain yourself to your children. However, doing so now and then is a good way to model open communication.
- Make sure that you do not bring yourself down to their level and be on the lookout for manipulation.
- Also, make sure to pick your battles wisely. Some things are not worth fighting with your child about.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Learning to Compromise

1
Take turns talking and listening. Even if you come to the child with a clear need to speak, allow the child to say their part once you have finished, and make it clear that they should expect to hear a response (or rebuttal) once they have finished speaking.^{[14]
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- Although this is an excellent way to communicate, it serves the dual purpose of teaching children how to communicate with others. Work to model effective, civil conversation whenever possible.
2
Ask how you can help. If a child comes to you with a problem or wants to do something you don’t approve of, ask how you can help, or what you can do to make it up to them. If they want to have friends over for a water balloon fight, for instance, and you don’t have the time to clean up hundreds of balloon shards, ask if there is another activity they would like, or how you can strike a compromise.^{[15]
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- Offering to alternatives is a good way to compromise and allow your child to be heard while also enforcing your own rules.
- Sometimes, you will need to give a firm “no,” rather than a “no, but what about something else?” Learn to recognize the difference between something that requires an absolute no (something dangerous or impossible, for instance), and something that requires a “no, but…”
3
Tell the child how they can help. When you set boundaries or discuss upcoming plans with a child, give them some responsibility. Explain how they can help make a new job easier for the family by cleaning the dishes several nights a week, or how important it is to treat their friends with respect when you play a new game in the classroom.^{[16]
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- Part of communication is explaining what being part of a community means, and how every community member needs to support and encourage others. Requiring a child to exercise responsibility teaches community quickly and effectively.
4
Find a conclusion that benefits everyone. Do not only think of your own welfare, and your own preferences. Include the child in your decision-making, and search for a conclusion that is not only beneficial to everyone but also preferable to the majority.^{[17]
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- This can be practiced from toddlerhood and on. A toddler, for instance, can choose between a trip to the library and a trip to the store. An adolescent might like to choose between the beach or a camping trip for a summer vacation. A teenager might like to choose between two movies on a relaxed day in class. Teach and encourage children to make their own decisions, and to make decisions as a group.

Expert Q&A
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Question

Why does my child give up on reading out loud?

Iddo DeVries, MA-SLP
Family Speech-Language Pathologist
Iddo DeVries is a Speech-Language Pathologist and the Owner and Clinical Director of Speech Therapy of DV Therapy, Inc. based in Los Angeles, California since 2014. Focusing on dynamic therapy for individuals and their families, Iddo specializes in family training and speech therapy for disabilities and delays including, autism, late-talkers, PDD, specific language impairments, articulation and phonological disorders, auditory processing delays, stuttering, pragmatic and social delays, Verbal Apraxia of Speech. Iddo holds a BS in Speech Communication Sciences from Brooklyn College and an MA in Speech-Language Pathology from Adelphi University. In 2011 Iddo was awarded the outstanding achievement award in the field of speech therapy by the New York City Department of Education. He has been an active member of the nationally accredited speech board ASHA since 2006.

Iddo DeVries, MA-SLP

Family Speech-Language Pathologist

Expert Answer

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Youi have to make sure that you find your child's zone of proximal development. This is the area where your child is challenged enough to want to succeed, but not so challenged that they're discouraged. Try giving them some slightly easier books to read out loud and see if that helps at all.
Question

What should I do if other 4-year-olds are speaking more than my child?

Iddo DeVries, MA-SLP
Family Speech-Language Pathologist
Iddo DeVries is a Speech-Language Pathologist and the Owner and Clinical Director of Speech Therapy of DV Therapy, Inc. based in Los Angeles, California since 2014. Focusing on dynamic therapy for individuals and their families, Iddo specializes in family training and speech therapy for disabilities and delays including, autism, late-talkers, PDD, specific language impairments, articulation and phonological disorders, auditory processing delays, stuttering, pragmatic and social delays, Verbal Apraxia of Speech. Iddo holds a BS in Speech Communication Sciences from Brooklyn College and an MA in Speech-Language Pathology from Adelphi University. In 2011 Iddo was awarded the outstanding achievement award in the field of speech therapy by the New York City Department of Education. He has been an active member of the nationally accredited speech board ASHA since 2006.

Iddo DeVries, MA-SLP

Family Speech-Language Pathologist

Expert Answer

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Don't compare your child's development to their classmates or friends. It's just going to drive you crazy and it's not a particularly productive exercise. Every child develops at their own pace, so don't put too much stock on whether other kids their age are speaking more.
Question

How can I encourage a child to speak to me more?

Iddo DeVries, MA-SLP
Family Speech-Language Pathologist
Iddo DeVries is a Speech-Language Pathologist and the Owner and Clinical Director of Speech Therapy of DV Therapy, Inc. based in Los Angeles, California since 2014. Focusing on dynamic therapy for individuals and their families, Iddo specializes in family training and speech therapy for disabilities and delays including, autism, late-talkers, PDD, specific language impairments, articulation and phonological disorders, auditory processing delays, stuttering, pragmatic and social delays, Verbal Apraxia of Speech. Iddo holds a BS in Speech Communication Sciences from Brooklyn College and an MA in Speech-Language Pathology from Adelphi University. In 2011 Iddo was awarded the outstanding achievement award in the field of speech therapy by the New York City Department of Education. He has been an active member of the nationally accredited speech board ASHA since 2006.

Iddo DeVries, MA-SLP

Family Speech-Language Pathologist

Expert Answer

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Try to get on the child's level. Literally. Get down so that you're at eye level with them and try to connect with them. The other bit of advice I'd give is to take it slow. Recognize that certain words are really hard to pronounce and interpret. Don't get frustrated if they don't open up right away or stumble over a sentence or two.

Warnings

Do not threaten children. Even if it is something as innocuous as, “You won’t get dinner,” or “I’ll have to call your parents,” threats undermine trust.

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Do not use bribery to gain a child’s obedience. This creates a pattern wherein children will expect rewards in return for good behavior, rather than engaging in good behavior independently.

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Do not violate a child’s privacy. If you see a journal or diary lying around, do not go through and read a child’s private thoughts. This, too, will undermine trust between the child and yourself and will create more communication barriers.

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