How to Comfort a Girl

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: June 8, 2020

It's not always easy to help a girl who is upset. She may want a hug, some affection -- or to be left completely alone. So how do you know what to do to make the girl feel better -- instead of even worse? Read this article to find out.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Approaching the Girl

1
Read the situation. What is the girl really upset about? Is it something completely devastating, like the loss of a grandparent, or something a little more manageable, like a fight with a friend? The problem can help you find out what she wants the most. If she's dealing with a real loss, then you don't want to try to make her laugh or distract her with a ridiculous story; but if she's just dealing with some friend drama, then you can take a more lighthearted approach. But don't talk much about that reason, or she will just get madder. It's better to leave her alone for a couple minutes, and when you think that she is ready to talk to someone, go for it.^{[1]
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- If you know her, you can ask a simple question, such as "What's bothering you?". If you don't know her well, you should introduce yourself and let her know that you'd like to help her feel better.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
- Not all problems are created equal. The more you know about the situation, the better you can know how to respond.
2
Figure out what she wants. This is important. If she says, "I want to be left alone" and she really means it, then you should give her some time to herself and not make her feel worse by sticking around when she just wants alone time. But if she says that and wants you there, then it's harder to pick up on; if you know her well, you'll know if she really wants to cool off or if she's just saying that because she doesn't want to bother you.
- Is she the kind of girl who is often upset or is this the first time you have seen her like this? If she's been upset before, think of how you reacted then and try to do the same thing if it worked out.
- Ask if she wants to talk. See if she wants to have a conversation about the problem or if she just wants you to be there to offer moral support.
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3
Give her some affection. Okay, so most girls would like a hug or some affection when they are upset. This is true if you're dating the girl or if you're close to her and she doesn't feel like you're making a move. Some girls, however, may not want a hug right when they're upset, and that's okay too. If you're close to her, just putting your arm around her or touching her shoulder, hand, or knee will make her feel better.^{[3]
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- When she's upset, what she wants most of all is to feel that you're really there for her, and giving her some affection will do this.
- You can gently touch her on the leg or on the back, but don’t carry on touching her if she seems like she isn’t enjoying it, or if things start feeling awkward.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
- Bring her a tissue, a cup of tea, a warm blanket, and anything else she needs to feel more comfortable.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Making Her Feel Better

1
Let her express herself. The thing she wants most is to tell you exactly how she feels, if she doesn't just want to be left alone. So, let her cry, let her talk, let her kick her furniture if she has to. Don't get in her way and try to pose concrete solutions, ask a million questions, or get in the way of her just letting you know what's going on. If she just got upset, then it's likely she hasn't processed the situation yet.^{[5]
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- Don't try to jump in and offer a million solutions at first. When she wants your advice, she will ask for it. But for now, focus on just letting her let it all out.
- You may think you know exactly what to do, but this is not the moment to just jump in.
2
Be a good listener. If the girl is upset, then she wants you to listen more than anything else. She's not looking to hear your twenty most important thoughts on the matter and wants a kind ear instead. So, let her talk without interrupting to ask questions or give your opinion, make eye contact, and contribute little comments like, "I can't imagine how hard that is for you..." to let her know you really care. Let her finish and don't cut her off.^{[6]
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- You can nod and show her that you really care, but don't nod too eagerly or she'll think you're rushing her or faking it.
- Show her that you’re being attentive. Put away your phone, and don’t gaze around the room when she is talking. You don't want her to think you have somewhere else to be if she finally starts opening up.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.}
3
Don't try to minimize her problems. If you want to make the girl feel better, then the worst thing you can say are things like, "It's not the end of the world" or "It's going to be okay." Sure, you may be able to see that she's upset about something that isn't that big of a deal, like a failed test grade, or a break-up with a loser she was only dating for a few weeks, but you can't let her know that, or she'll just feel worse. In the moment, she just wants to be upset and to talk about her feelings, not to be told that they aren't a big deal.^{[8]
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- You may think that you're helping her by putting things in perspective, but you'll only be making her feel worse for feeling upset, and she may turn on you.
- She wants you there for support most of all, not your own opinion.
4
Ask her if you can do anything to help. Once she's gotten it all out, you can ask her what you can do to make her feel better. Maybe it's a concrete situation where you can go do something, whether it's help her figure out her car insurance situation, help her mend a relationship with a friend, or even help her save some money by helping her fix something yourself. Maybe all you can do is go with her to do something unpleasant and offer moral support. Or maybe she really has to do it alone, but you can help just by being "on call" if she needs you.^{[9]
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- Just asking the question will let her know that you care and that you want to do something more for her. This will make her feel better about the situation.
- It's likely that she feels very lost and alone. Asking her if you can help will make her feel more liked and wanted.
5
Don't try to say you know exactly how she feels. She wants to be heard, not told that you know exactly how she feels. Maybe she lost a grandparent and so did you, and you can help out by saying you've been through it too; if it's such a direct situation, you can mention this, but in general, don't try to compare yourself to her or she'll think you're fighting for attention. The focus is on her. If she's going through a bad long breakup, don't compare her three year relationship to your three month relationship, or she'll cry, "It's not the same!"^{[10]
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- It's better to say, "I can't imagine what you're going through," or "I can't even begin to understand how you feel..." Most of the time, this is more often the case, and will make the girl feel justified in her feelings.
6
Tell her you're sorry for how she feels. This is nice and simple. Just say, "I'm sorry that you're going through this," or "I'm sorry that you're dealing with such a difficult situation." Even though it's not your fault, just a little apology can show that you really sympathize with the situation and that you wish that things were different. This will make her feel better, even if there's not much you can do.^{[11]
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- She may say, "It's not your fault!" and you can just say, "I know, but I still feel bad." That will make her feel like you're really on her side.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Continuing to Offer Comfort

1
Just be there for her. Sometimes, you can't help, you can't say much, and you can't do much to make the situation better. If she got some really bad news, all you can do is to be there with her and to let her know she's not alone. If you had big plans that weekend, see if you can cancel them to spend some time with her; if she has something to do, ask if you can do it together. Sometimes all that you can do is offer your time and your loving presence. You can't just comfort her and say you have to go and fall off the radar for a few days, or she will feel unwanted.
- Let her know that she will be a priority for you. You may have other things on your mind, but you won't let her out of your reach.
2
Distract her. She may want to be alone after being upset, but if you can, try to get her out of the house as much as you can. Even if she doesn't feel like socializing, getting out into some fresh air is guaranteed to make her feel better and make her forget about her problems, if only for a little while. Here are some things that you can try:^{[12]
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- Invite her to see a comedy. A lighthearted movie will make her laugh and feel better for a little while.
- Take her out to dinner or for coffee or ice cream. Just a simple treat will make her feel better. Plus, if she's upset, she may be forgetting to eat and take care of herself. Just don't take her out for a drink -- if she's upset, alcohol is not the solution.
- Take her out on a walk. Getting some light exercise and fresh air can help her clear her head and feel more centered.
- Don't invite her out to loud events with lots of people, or she'll feel overwhelmed and unable to deal.
3
Do some easy tasks for her. She may be feeling so overwhelmed that she can't deal with her daily life. So, bring her a cup of coffee or lunch when she needs it; offer to clean up her room if it's getting out of control; do her laundry if it's necessary. If she's upset in class and can't focus, take some notes for her. If she needs to put gas in her car, do it for her. It won't take long to put an extra effort into your relationship and it will help her feel less overwhelmed.
- Obviously, you shouldn't let her take advantage of you. But doing some light chores or tasks for her at first can make a big difference.
4
Check in on her. This is an important part of comforting the girl. Even after you're done talking to her, you need to offer your support. Make sure to call her, text her, visit her, and see when you can hang out again. You don't have to be annoying and text her asking if she's okay every few hours, but you should check in every once in a while to let her know you care.
- Even sending her a funny note or funny YouTube clip can make her laugh and make her feel special.
- Be creative. Send her a card or a bouquet of sunflowers. Let her see that you care about her beyond your conversation.
- Just let her know you're thinking of her. If she wants to be left alone, you don't have to rehash the conversation every few hours. A little message to let her know you care about her can go a long way.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I comfort a girl if she's upset with me?

Community Answer

If she is upset with you, it is best to start off slow. If she is upset with you over something you said, comfort her by apologizing or telling her that you didn't mean it. Assuming that you were angry at the time you said it, explain to her that you only said it out of anger. Make sure to add an apology and give her a hug.
Question

This girl that I'm talking to is crying on the phone and she won't tell me what's wrong. What do I do?

Community Answer

Offer your support. Tell her you're there for her and be patient. Say "I'm not going to pressure you to talk to me but you know where I am if you need to". She should slowly open up, don't give up trying, she wants you to keep on trying, especially if she's initially cried on the phone.
Question

Does this work if you are a girl?

Community Answer

Absolutely! It doesn't matter what gender, it's about caring for another human being regardless of your genders.