How to Comfort a Crying Woman

Last Updated: July 11, 2022 References Approved

Most people cry, but women tend to cry more often than men. ^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} If you find yourself confronted by a woman who is crying, there are steps you can take to make her feel better, whether she is your significant other, a friend, or a coworker. Comforting a crying person can strengthen your bond and make both her and yourself feel better. ^{[2]
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Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Comforting Your Girlfriend or Close Friend

1
Assess the situation. There can be an infinite number of reasons why a woman might be crying. Perhaps she is grieving, stressed out, ill, or overwhelmed by joy. ^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Before proceeding further, try to get a handle on what the situation might be and whether it is appropriate for you to try to comfort her.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 18 February 2021} Some reasons why you might not be the right person to comfort her would be:
- If you are affected by the same situation that is upsetting her. If you are shaken up, disturbed, or hurt by the situation that made her cry, you might not be in a good position to help her. If this is the case, you might want to seek out a support network who can help both you and her cope with whatever is going on. ^{[5]
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- If she is crying from joy. Scientists aren't exactly sure why, but someone who is overcome with happiness might cry uncontrollably, just like someone who is scared or sad. ^{[6]
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  Research source} In cases like these, congratulating your friend or lover might be more appropriate than trying to comfort her!
- If she is crying because you two had a fight. Before stepping in to comfort her, you might want to calm down by yourselves for a while to make sure that the argument doesn't start back up again.
2
Decide to comfort her. Unless there is a very good reason for you not to comfort her, you should make an effort to help the crying woman. Ignoring someone who is crying can be quite harmful to her emotional well-being. ^{[7]
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Research source} Choosing to comfort someone will allow her to recover more quickly from her tears and will also make your relationship stronger. ^{[8]
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3
Be a good listener. This cannot be stressed enough. Tears are an important form of communication, and you should pay attention to what she is trying to say. ^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Use active listening techniques, such as verbally affirming what the crying person is saying and avoiding interrupting them. In order to be the best listener you can be, allow her to feel whatever she is feeling; just be there for her.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 18 February 2021}
- Keep in mind that comforting is not about changing the other person's feelings.
- Be especially careful not to turn the conversation back to yourself: this is about her. Don’t make it about you. Even if she’s not behaving in the way you would, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t deserve comfort, or that she deserves to be sad. ^{[11]
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- Avoid phrases such as, "If I were in your shoes," "Have you tried . . .," or "When that happened to me, I didn't make such a big deal out of it."
4
Don't minimize her pain or tell her not to cry. Tears can often be a good or positive action, even if they were caused by something painful. Crying can bring physical as well as emotional relief to someone who is sad or stressed.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Bottling up emotions can prevent the healing from taking place. Even if it makes you uncomfortable, let her cry as much as she needs to. She will likely feel better for doing so.
- In general, avoid any commands, negative language, or imperatives. Stay away from phrases such as, "Don't cry," "You shouldn't be sad," or "That doesn't sound too bad."
- It won’t help her to claim to know all of the answers. Resist rushing right into what you think she should or shouldn't do to resolve her problems. Don’t claim claim to know everything she is going through and how to fix it. This may just make her feel invalidated.
- People who are crying because of a mental illness such as severe anxiety or depression might actually feel worse, not better, after crying.^{[13]
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  Research source} If you think she might be crying because of a mental illness, you should still offer comfort and support, but you should also suggest that she see a doctor so that she can get the necessary treatment.
5
Affirm her sadness. Show her that you understand her pain by acknowledging that her pain is legitimate and that you sympathize with her pain. ^{[14]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Use phrases like:
- "That sucks... I'm really sorry that happened!"
- "I understand that this must be very painful."
- "That sounds very frustrating. I'm sorry."
- "No wonder you are upset. This sounds like a very difficult situation."
- "I'm so sorry that happened to you."
6
Use nonverbal comforting techniques. A crying person might recognize comfort more readily from nonverbal comforting cues than from verbal communication. Nodding, using appropriate facial expressions, making eye contact, and leaning forward can help her know that you are concerned and that you care. ^{[15]
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- While offering a tissue can sometimes be interpreted as a caring gesture, it might also send the signal that you want the crying to stop. Only provide a tissue if the crying person asks for one or seems to be looking around for one.
7
Assess whether physical contact is appropriate. Some people are comforted by touch, and others are made more anxious by it. ^{[16]
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Research source} You can offer a hug if you know that she responds well to hugging. Hugs can even help relieve stress over time. ^{[17]
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Research source} Other kinds of appropriate touch might be holding her hand, touching her shoulder, stroking her hair, or kissing her forehead. Use your best judgment based on what you know about her preferences and the boundaries of your relationship, and always follow her lead. Be sure to back off if she asks you to.
- You can also observe her body language to determine whether she might be open to comforting touch. Defensive body language such as clenched fists, crossed arms and legs, or avoiding eye contact might mean that she would rather you backed off a little bit. ^{[18]
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8
Resist the urge to avoid the situation. Many are uncomfortable with being around someone who is crying. If this is you, you might rush into saying something you think will help while not knowing what to say. Or, you might find a way to escape the situation. This will only make matters worse for her. If you don’t know what to do, try saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re upset. Is there anything I can do for you to make it better?” This will at least show her you care, which may be comforting for her.
9
Offer her help instead of problem-solving. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to fix things the way that you think is best. However, she may not want help or may need something other than what you think she needs. The last thing you want to do is to make a situation worse. Resist the urge to problem-solve something when what you should be doing is helping her process her pain and grief. ^{[19]
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- Let her know that you’re here to help her, but don’t force it. Her idea of help may be simply having someone to talk to. Often listening is the best way to help comfort someone. ^{[20]
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- Ask open-ended questions about whether you can help her out. For example, "Is there anything I can do to help?" or "I'd really like to help--can you think of anything that might make your situation better?" might be good ways to start a conversation about how you can lend a hand.
- Sometimes someone who is upset is too overwhelmed to suggest ways for you to help her. If this is the case, try providing a list of a few specific things you might be able to do to comfort her. For example, you might ask if she might like to go out for ice cream, or if she would like for you to stop by later with a movie you could watch together. See if she responds positively to any of those comforting suggestions. ^{[21]
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10
Step in to help if it is appropriate. While trying to problem-solve shouldn't be your first instinct, it is possible that there are some tangible, specific things you can do to help relieve her pain. If it is possible for you to remove her troubles--and if she seems to want you to--then you can offer to step in in some way.
- For example, if she is crying because she is stressed out from work, you might offer to do some extra chores around the house to give her more time to focus on her job. If she is crying because she had a fight with a friend, you might discuss ways for her to repair that relationship.
11
Check in on her. In the next few days or weeks after the crying incident, check in occasionally on her to make sure she’s still doing okay. Don’t be too invasive about it, but asking her out for coffee, asking her how she’s doing, or calling a bit more often could be very helpful. It is possible that she will recover quickly, but she might also need some extra time to get over her sadness. Showing your support over that time will help a lot.
12
Take care of yourself. Empathy is important, but it might also cause you to be upset or depressed. Remember to take care of yourself too, and reach out to others if you need help!.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Comforting an Acquaintance or Coworker

1
Show empathy. In general, people prefer to cry in front of people they're close to--not in front of strangers, coworkers, or acquaintances. If you're not close to her but she is still crying in front of you, she is probably quite distressed indeed and in need of some sympathy. It is especially important for you to react with empathy and not with annoyance, panic, or fear. ^{[22]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
2
Allow her to cry. If she does in fact want you around, let her cry. Don’t try to force her to stop crying or suggest that she "buck up." Crying is natural and healthy, and can help relieve stress and pain. ^{[23]
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- Remember that there is nothing unprofessional about tears at work. Most people cry sometimes, so crying at work is bound to happen at one time or another. ^{[24]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Harvard Business Review
  Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
  Go to source}
- Tell her reassuring things if she seems embarrassed, such as "It is okay to cry," or "There's nothing embarrassing about crying--we're all human!"
3
Demonstrate that you are available to talk to. Because she doesn't know you well, she might not want to go into too much detail with you. But perhaps you could be a helpful listening ear. Ask questions and use open body language to show that you are willing to listen if she likes. ^{[25]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} For example, you could say:
- "I know I'm your colleague, but I'm also happy to be your friend if you need someone to talk to. Do you want to talk?"
- "My door is always open if you need to talk about something difficult."
- "Is there something I can help you with? Even if it's not about work, I am happy to listen."
4
Employ active listening skills. If she decides to talk to you about her troubles, use active listening techniques to show that you are paying attention. These include: not interrupting or providing suggestions, asking questions only to affirm that you understand what she is saying, making eye contact, and avoiding distractions. ^{[26]
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5
Be empathetic, but professional. You should act like a human being and show that you care but you also don't want to overstep any boundaries with a coworker. After all, your work relationship will have to continue even after this incident.
- For example, you might not want to offer a hug unless she asks for one. If you want to call her outside of work to check up on her, you should ask whether she would be comfortable with that.
6
Offer assistance with work-related matters. Perhaps your coworker is crying because of work stress, or perhaps there is a personal matter that is affecting her ability to focus on work. In either case, if you are in a position to help her professionally, you might help her find solutions.^{[27]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- For example, she might need to take some time off, or you might help her make a plan to get through a difficult professional task.
- Only take action if she wants your action, however. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to fix things the way that you think is best. However, she may not want help or may need something other than what you think she needs. The last thing you want to do is to make a situation worse.
- Don't try to step in about personal matters too much. Don’t feel like you need to solve personal problems of a co-worker. Also, if you don’t know her very well, do not presume that you know how to solve her problems. Be there to comfort her and listen, and focus on workplace issues.
- If you see no way that you are able to help her fix the problem, then apologize and tell her that you cannot help her fix the problem. If you know anyone whom you think can help her fix the problem, recommend that she talk to them and enlist their help.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I say to someone who is crying?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Ask them what's on their mind or bothering them. Rather than offering to fix the situation, just be there to listen to them.

Warnings

Crying is usually very healthy, but it might be a sign of a more serious condition such as an anxiety disorder, phobia, or depression. If she cries constantly without feeling relief, you might want to suggest that she talk to a professional.

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Comforting a crying person is also a healthy, caring, and positive act. It can sometimes take a toll, however. If you are feeling like you are becoming distressed by comforting someone, take care of yourself by seeking out others who could help support you.

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