How to Comfort Someone When There is Nothing You Can Offer Except Solace

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone you love is hurting, and there's nothing you can do. What do you say when you're standing there helplessly, watching your loved one bury her head in her arms and struggle with the weight life has dealt? Maybe you can't take the pain or frustration away. But you can show your concern and compassion. Don't ever think you can't do anything – for, sometimes, a little friendship can go a long way.

Things You Should Know

Let the other person know it's okay to vent or cry if they need to.
Offer to spend time with them doing whatever they'd like.
Bring them a pick-me-up, like their favorite take-out or a new book.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Offering Solace in Person

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Give a hug, if that’s okay. Touch is a universal language, and the very first one for humans. If a loved one is going through a tough time, offer your touch and give this person a big hug. It may sound simple but for someone who is distressed, afraid or upset, warm touch can be soothing and even calm cardiovascular stress.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} As a result of a lowered stress response, research shows that hugging your friend can reduce her susceptibility to sickness.^{[2]
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- Ask first to be sure hugging is an appropriate way to comfort your friend; some people do not like such physical gestures.
- Hold your friend close and rub her back. If she cries, let her cry into you.
2
Encourage the person to express emotion. If you notice that your loved one seems to be trying hard to hold back what she is feeling, tell her it’s okay to show emotion. Many people feel guilty about expressing negative emotions. Others fear that they will be judged for not “keeping it together”. Tell your friend that you want her to feel whatever she’s feeling, and that you won’t judge her for it.
- Say something like "It looks like you are having a hard time right now, and I want you to know that I'm here to listen if you want to vent" or "If you need to cry, you go right ahead".
- Psychologists insist that experiencing negative emotions is just as important as feeling positive states. Negative feelings teach us so much about the natural ups and downs of life. Therefore, expressing negative feelings, as opposed to suppressing them, can be instrumental to overall mental health.^{[3]
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3
Offer to spend time doing whatever. Your friend may want to lounge around all day watching reality TV or thumbing through gossip magazines. Your friend may want to talk about what’s bothering her, or she may want to talk about everything but that. She may want to go shopping, or simply take a nap. Plot out a few hours of distraction-free time to focus entirely on your hurting friend.
- Don’t come with a specific agenda; just be present. Your friend may not feel up to doing anything or may feel overwhelmed about making any decisions. But, it's smart to have a few ideas ready in case she wants to do something.^{[4]
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- The best thing you can do is to let them know you are there to help them. ^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.}
- Respect their decision if they decline your help.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.}
- Be a listener instead of being a speaker to ensure that you do not say anything offensive.^{[8]
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  Research source}^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.}
4
Bring over a pick-me-up. If you know a certain thing tends to bring a smile to your friend’s face, bring it to cheer her up.^{[10]
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Research source} Understand that she may not feel any better because of this, but she will recognize that you are trying to make her feel better and likely appreciate the gesture.
- For example, you might bring over a comfy blanket for your friend to curl up under, a pleasant distraction in the form of a boxed set of your favorite DVDs (if she feels like watching), or a half-gallon of her favorite ice cream to share as she vents to you.
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Be helpful. If your friend is grieving or upset, she may not have had the energy to tidy up the house, pick up groceries, or take her dog out for a walk. Step forward to complete chores or errands like these, and you could remove additional stress for your friend. In addition, think practically and bring necessities that your friend and/or family may need during this time of need.^{[11]
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- Or, you can call over and ask "I know with all that's going on, you probably haven't had time to get groceries or household items. What can I bring you from the store?"
- List items might include disposable plates and napkins if they will be entertaining visitors as well as facial tissues and herbal tea like chamomile.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Offering Solace From Afar

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Reach out. Call your friend and express your sorrow for what she’s going through. Don’t get upset if your friend does not immediately return the call. She may not feel up to talking, or may have to comfort her own share of people. She will get back to you when she can. In the meantime, just extend your well wishes in a voicemail message.
- Your voicemail might sound like "Hey, X, I'm really sorry about what happened. I understand that you may be busy or not want to talk right now. But, I wanted to call and tell you that I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you need anything."
- Many people often have no idea what to say to a friend who is grieving or upset, so they choose to say nothing.^{[12]
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  Research source} Even if you don’t have all the right words, your friend will appreciate you thinking of her and acknowledging that what she’s going through is important.
2
Offer to check-in. Oftentimes, when people are mourning, everyone states “call me if you need me”. This person may feel like she is a burden if she calls you, and, therefore, she never calls. A better method is to be specific about when you will call so that she knows she can count on your solace.
- Leave a message or confirm with your friend that you will check on her often. For example, say something like “I will call back on Tuesday after work to check on you.”
3
Practice reflective listening.^{[13]
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Research source} Sometimes all people need is to feel like someone's listening to them. Give the gift of listening to your friend. Truly take in what she is saying – tone of voice, words, and what isn’t being said. Concentrate and don't let your mind wander off. Ask clarifying questions during pauses to show you are following along.
- After your friend has finished talking, summarize what you have heard and then make a statement that will reassure her that though you can't wave a magic wand and heal everything, you were listening and will be there for her. Even a reflective statement, such as "I hear that you are sad about ___. I feel awful that this is happening to you, but I hope you know I'll be here for you," can do a lot for someone.
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Send a care package. So, maybe you can’t drop by your friend’s house, but you can still try to lift her spirits – or at least make this time easier for her – by sending a few things she might need. What you send will depend on the situation and the person.
- For example if your friend is going through a breakup, you might send some comfort foods and trashy magazines to take her mind off it. If she has lost a loved one, you might send a collection of uplifting quotes or Bible verses or a book about finding hope after a loss.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Avoiding Being Offensive

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Don’t pretend you understand. Recognize that different people react to life situations differently. Even if you have been through a similar situation as your friend, avoid saying something like “Oh, it won’t feel so bad after a while. When I went through this, I ___” Your friend wants her feelings acknowledged not minimized. Show empathy instead.
- Empathy involves acknowledging the other person’s painful feelings by trying to put yourself in her shoes.^{[14]
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  Research source} Even if you think you know what it’s like, refrain from generalizing what the experience is like To your friend, this is new, raw, and painful. To offer support and empathy, say “I can see that you are hurting. I wish there was something I could do.”
2
Keep your advice to yourself. When we see people we love hurting, a common reaction is to rush to find a solution. However, in some cases, the only factors that can lessen the pain are time or hope. Yes, you may feel powerless about not being able to offer some practical help to your friend, but she will appreciate your presence much more than your advice.^{[15]
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Swallow your empty clichés.^{[16]
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Research source} During hard times, people resort to unhelpful platitudes that offer no comfort, but only make the circumstances worst. Avoid these unsupportive, straight-from-greeting-cards comments:^{[17]
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- Everything happens for a reason
- Time heals all wounds
- It was meant to be
- It could be worse
- What’s done is done
- The more things change, the more they stay the same
4
Question how spiritual consolation will be received by your friend. Offering to pray for your friend or telling her to pray, may seem like a harmless gesture. However, if your friend is an atheist or agnostic, she may not be soothed by religious practices. Try to meet your friend where she is and offer your presence and comfort in a way that is comfortable to her.^{[18]
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Warnings

Sometimes people don't want to hug, talk or be near anyone. If so, let the person cool down and have some alone time. While they do this, you can think about the best way to approach them.

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