How to Choose the Right Girlfriend

Co-authored by Louie Felix

Last Updated: March 1, 2021 References

Choosing to start a relationship with the girl you've got your heart set on is a big decision, but also one that opens the door to many exciting possibilities. Because of the emotional investment involved with any serious relationship, it goes without saying that you'll want to choose your girlfriend carefully. Luckily, with a little help from wikiHow, you'll be able to find a winner in no time! See Step 1 below to get started.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Seeking Out Positive Traits

1
Choose a girl you like to be around - above all. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's something all too many forget! Though almost every relationship will have difficult patches, relationships should bring happiness to both partners (most of the time). Your girlfriend should be someone that you know can bring out positive emotions in you. If the girl you're considering starting a relationship with makes you wish you were somewhere else or causes you to become tense or unhappy often, you'll want to seriously reconsider. Ask yourself the following questions:^{[1]
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- Can I be myself around this person, or do I have to put up a "nice" front?
- Is this someone I naturally enjoy talking to?
- Do we seem to enjoy the time we spend together?
2
Choose a girlfriend who demonstrates self-respect. We all know how the old saying goes: "You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself." Heed this advice - pick a girlfriend who loves herself and has a healthy self-image. Such girls are likely to be emotionally stable and have reasonable, realistic priorities that are compatible with a relationship.^{[2]
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- How do you know if a girl loves herself? Usually, a person with a healthy amount of self-respect will have some (if not all) of the following qualities:
  - Proper hygiene habits
  - Confidence in her own abilities
  - A relaxed, genuine demeanor
  - An ability to find humor in herself without being overly self-deprecating
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3
Prioritize emotional attraction, but don't rule out physical attraction. If you don't feel a real emotional connection to your girlfriend, it doesn't really matter how pretty she is - your relationship is going to be a dull one. You'll want to choose a girlfriend primarily based on an emotional attraction, rather than a physical one. Ask yourself: "Would I still want to be in a relationship with this girl if she got a rash on her face?" If so, you probably have an attraction that's more than skin deep!^{[3]
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- This being said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with cherishing your S.O.'s beauty, so if you have an emotional connection with someone that you're also physically attracted to, all the better! Physical attraction is certainly one ingredient in a healthy relationship - it's just not the most important ingredient.
4
Choose a girl with a good sense of humor. Laughter is part of almost every healthy relationship! Sharing a laugh is one of the greatest ways to form a quick emotional bond with someone, so the more you and your girlfriend can make each other laugh, the better. Try to choose a girlfriend with whom you're able to regularly enjoy open, non-forced laughs and a little good-natured teasing.^{[4]
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- One thing to consider is that different types of people will enjoy different types of comedy. If, for instance, you enjoy raunchy humor, but the girl you have your eyes on is somewhat more innocent, you may be in store for some minor awkwardness. This isn't to say that two people with different senses of humor can't learn to appreciate each others' - just that it's something to be aware of.
5
Choose a girl who's independent and self-assured when it comes to her own interests. Girls, like guys, should have their own interests and priorities besides their partner. Pick a girlfriend who shows that she's set on living a rich, fulfilling life regardless of whether you start a relationship by working towards her own goals. A girl like this offers a rewarding dating experience - after all, it's easy to be interested in people who are interesting.
- Better still, someone with her own interests is likely to be able to teach you things you may not otherwise have learned.
6
Choose a girl who wants the same things from a relationship that you do. This is one of the most common (yet most preventable) recipes for relationship disasters. Before you begin dating (or right after you start), it's a good idea to talk about what each partner wants from the relationship. Keep in mind that certain relationships which may otherwise work out can be hamstrung by differences in each partners' priorities. Below are just a few of the things you'll want to consider with your prospective girlfriend:
- Exclusivity - will you two commit to each other, or is your relationship a casual one with the possibility for flings with other people?
- Future goals - does either partner have plans that may interfere with the relationship (e.g., moving for school or work, going on a long sabbatical, etc.)?
- Other commitments which may affect your dating - does either partner have beliefs or values that will put boundaries on the relationship (e.g., religious beliefs, household rules, etc.)?

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Avoiding Negative Traits

1
Avoid girls who don't want to commit. If you're looking for a dedicated girlfriend, don't waste time with someone who's uninterested in a committed relationship. A relationship with this type of girl can be fun for a while, but may end in heartbreak when she gets interested in someone else. If your prospective girlfriend seems reluctant to agree to an exclusive relationship or flat out refuses the possibility, look elsewhere.^{[5]
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- The exception to this rule, of course, is that if neither of you want to commit, you can theoretically have a casual, non-exclusive relationship. Still, approach this possibility with caution - can you truly, honestly stand to see the girl you like with someone else?
2
Avoid girls who are materialistic. Some girls, like some guys, don't have the healthiest priorities when it comes to the relative importance of people and things. As a rule, good girlfriends won't watch you go broke trying to please them. While presents, tokens, of affection, and fancy nights out have their place, they shouldn't be a constant requirement to date someone. If the girl you're thinking about dating seems more interested in the things she'll get as a result of being a girlfriend than in actually being a girlfriend, pass on the dating opportunity.^{[6]
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- Try to ask yourself questions like "would this person still like me if I couldn't afford to take her out?" and "can we enjoy each others' company without spending any money?" If you're not able to answer "yes" to many of these questions, a relationship with this person may have a material foundation, rather than an emotional one.
- When it comes to placing material demands on a significant other, the distinction between what's normal and what isn't normal should be obvious. Obviously, special occasions, like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. are cause for celebration.
3
Avoid girls who aren't willing to express themselves. That old relationship adage "communication is key" - is repeated often, but for good reason. When it comes to girlfriends, you want someone who's willing to be open and honest with you, especially when it comes to any problems than may be affecting her or your relationship as a whole. While it may seem superficially desirable to have a girlfriend who always acts happy, even when she's not, this is actually the last type of person you'll want to date, as negative emotions, if concealed and left to fester, can build into serious problems for your relationship.
4
Avoid girls who don't value you. This is very, very important. Relationships are a two-way street, so it's just as important for you to treat your girlfriend with respect and affection as the reverse is. If the girl you're thinking about dating doesn't seem like she'll be able to make the same investment of time and emotional energy in you as you plan to in her, a relationship is probably not a good idea.
- Remember, relationships are just as much about you as they are about your partner. Relationships should be opportunities for you to make your (already great) life even better with someone you care for and respect, not just to make your partner happy.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Assessing Your Compatibility

1
Get to know her friends. You can tell a lot about someone from the people they surround themselves with. Everyone's personality and opinions are determined to some extent by their peers, so scout out the friends of the girl you're interested in to get a sense of what she may be like. Getting to know a potential girlfriend's girlfriends is almost always a good idea - not only can they help you figure out whether a girl is right for you, but, if you befriend them and let them know about your crush, they can also increase your chances of getting a date.
- Also consider the fact that, even if you find a girl to be nothing like her friends, these are still people you'll probably end up spending a decent amount of time around.
2
Try to get a sense for what makes her laugh. As noted above, a good sense of humor is a big plus in any significant other, but one person's idea of what's funny isn't necessarily the same as another's. Mismatched senses of humor can occasionally lead to tremendous awkwardness - for instance, if one person thinks something is funny and the other thinks the same thing is offensive, hurt feelings are a very real possibility. Try to get a sense for whether the girl you have your eyes on has a similar sense of humor as you do - ideally, you should both be able to make each other laugh with ease.^{[7]
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- Try to test for a mutual sense of humor by hanging out with this girl (in a no-pressure, non-romantic context) and cracking small jokes. If you get a good response, you can move on to riskier jokes, but avoid racy or controversial humor until you're actually dating.
3
Try to find shared interests. The old cliché "The couple that plays together stays together" has some truth to it. If you and a potential girlfriend like at least some of the same things, you'll have an easier time finding things to do together, leading to funner dates, happier weekends, and overall less boredom within the relationship. Luckily, it's not hard to find out what someone likes to do, as this is very, very common "small talk" topic. Just ask!
- This isn't to say that two people with different interests can't be together. In fact, one of the benefits of dating someone is getting to try new things - things your partner likes to do that you might otherwise never have explored.
4
Judge her maturity level. Different people, even if they are the same age, will naturally be at different levels of maturity. This is especially true during adolescence, when just a year's time can bring about massive change in a teen's life. If you're looking for a girlfriend, you'll want one who's roughly at the same level of maturity as you. Generally speaking, mature people are more open to "serious", long-term relationships, while less-mature people tend to favor casual, lighthearted relationships. Two partners who are otherwise suited to each other might expect very different things from a relationship if they're at different levels of maturity, so consider whether the girl you're thinking about seems mismatched with you in this regard or not.^{[8]
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- Ask yourself:
  - "Does this person seem to be planning for their future more (or less) than me?"
  - "Does this person have different ideas than me about how "serious" an ideal relationship is?"
  - "Does this person's future plans reflect a different level of maturity than my own?"
5
Consider the girl's relationship history (and your own). This is a big one. Though it's perfectly possible for a person to change his or her relationship habits over time, it's impossible to predict the future - only to analyze the past. If a person has a history of certain relationship issues, it's a serious possibility (though definitely not a certainty) that these issues may pop up in your relationship. For instance, if a girl you're interested in has a history of quickly "getting bored" with her boyfriends and moving on, this is something you should seriously consider before getting together. It's always important to consider potential future relationship problems before choosing a girlfriend (without, of course, adopting a judgmental or cynical attitude towards this girl, who obviously can't control her past).^{[9]
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- It's also equally important to take a very frank look at your own dating history. What sorts of girlfriends, if any, have you chosen in the past? Have you had your own recurring issues? Does your potential girlfriend seem like she'll be the kind of person you've historically "looked for"?^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Louie Felix
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I figure out who's a good match for me?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

When it comes to understanding your "perfect match," it's really important that you self-assess. You should process and analyze your past relationships. You want to learn from past relationships and not duplicate them. That will help you understand who you should be with moving forward.