How to Choose a Husband

Co-authored by Michelle Joy, MA, MFT

Last Updated: December 15, 2022 References

Many people will say that you will "just know" if you've found the perfect future husband. In reality, most happily married couples don't "know" that they've found "the one" until after they've already been married.^{[1]
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Research source} Choosing a husband is very personal and has no universal criteria. However, there are a few things to keep in mind when figuring out whether you've found Mr. Right.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Finding a Potential Husband

1
Avoid deciding whether or not a man is "husband material" based on the first few dates. First dates are often awkward and it can be difficult to properly judge someone after just spending a few hours together.^{[2]
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Research source} Of course, if you aren't attracted to him or he does something egregious, you are under no obligation to see him again. Likewise, even if marriage is very important to you, don't think about how every guy you date can be "the one." This kind of thinking puts too much pressure on budding relationships and may make you rush into a marriage you aren't ready for.^{[3]
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2
Be honest while dating. This doesn't mean you should tell a man you've just met all of your most personal secrets. However, do your best to be yourself during the casual dating phase, rather than the person you think he would want you to be. If he doesn't like the real you now, you two will probably not be a good match when things get more serious.

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3
Consult a matchmaker. Most cultures around the world have traditionally used some form of matchmaking to help people find their ideal mates. Even in countries where matchmaking had fallen out of fashion, the practice has seen a recent boost in popularity.^{[4]
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- If you've ever joined a dating website with an extensive personality quiz, you've engaged in a modern form of matchmaking. Most matchmakers pair their clients according to personality, values, hobbies, goals, and other traits.^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Making Sure You Are Ready

1
Know him well. This is the most important factor in choosing a husband. Your choice must be well-educated. Make sure you know his personality, temperament, and goals before considering marriage.
- If your partner is guarded, wait until he opens up to you. This may take some time but is a crucial aspect of a healthy, lasting relationship.
- Some people marry men who they see as having the potential to be the perfect husband. This is often a mistake. While personal growth is always hoped for, it is never guaranteed. Marry the man you love now rather than one you think you can create.^{[7]
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2
Talk to your friends. Your friends will be your most important sounding board when things start to get serious. Ask them for their opinions on your potential husband. If you consider them to be good judges of character, ask them if they have any reservations about him and take their words seriously. Don't worry if they have only minor or superficial issues with him, such as his appearance or career.
3
Meet each other's family. If you have a close relationship with your family and they don't get along with your partner, this could be a bad sign. While it's normal for there to be some friction between a spouse and the "in-laws," if your family has serious reservations, find out what they are. Address any significant problems before tying the knot.
- Likewise, if he maintains contact with his own family but still doesn't want you to meet them well into your relationship, this could be major issue. Talk to him about it directly before taking things to the next level.
4
Live together first. Moving in together for a time before marriage can give you a better idea about what marriage to him will be like without making a much more significant commitment.^{[9]
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Research source} However, make sure your relationship is healthy and well-established before moving in together. Cohabitation, just like marriage, can prevent couples who should split from doing so to avoid the hassle.^{[10]
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- Premarital cohabitation is considered immoral by many religions. If it goes against your faith, don't feel pressured into doing it.
5
Make sure not to rush into marriage. Ideally, the two of you should have been dating and/or engaged for at least two to three years. That is not to say that marriages with a shorter courtship are doomed to fail; only that most serious, potentially marriage-destroying issues will have shown themselves in two to three years.^{[11]
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Research source} Remember that divorces can take a very long time to finalize and are often extremely costly, both financially and emotionally.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Checking for Long-Term Compatibility

1
Make sure your values match. This type of compatibility is why getting to know your partner is of utmost importance. Watch out if either of you feels passionate about an issue, whether it be religious or political in nature, that the other disagrees with. It may not be much of a problem now but will likely result in serious friction down the road. This is especially important if you choose to have children.
- Another type of value to keep in mind is lifestyle. Make sure you have similar goals about how your life should be in the future. One partner shouldn't want to be a world traveler while the other prefers to stay put. If one partner demands a luxurious lifestyle while another prefers a more humble existence, they may not be right for each other. Unlike issue-based disagreements, these are not generally deal breakers for a relationship, only signs that you aren't ready for marriage just yet.
2
Find out how he feels about children. It's best if you and your husband want a similar number of children in the same general time frame. It's a bad sign if one partner doesn't want kids, while the other wants a large family. Likewise, if you want time to establish your career first while your husband wants to be a father right away, you should probably hold off on marriage. This is another factor that you may feel will simply resolve itself when in reality will likely be a major source of marital strife.
3
Take financial considerations into account. This does not mean that you should marry a man for his money. However, if he has a large amount of debt, things may not bode well for your financial future. Additionally, if his credit rating is poor, you will need to rely on yours alone if you decide to buy a house. Make sure you are comfortable with these factors before you get engaged.
4
Discuss any chronic health issues either of you may have. Like financial problems, medical issues, both physical and mental, can seriously impact a marriage. Caring for an ill spouse is often extremely taxing, both emotionally and financially. By being informed, you will be able to make an educated decision about your future.
- Knowing his family's health history is also very important if you choose to have biological children together. Even if he is currently healthy, he may be a carrier for serious conditions. This is especially relevant if the same illnesses run in your own family.^{[12]
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  University of Rochester Medical Center
  Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
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- Marriage has a positive effect on one's health, with married people on average living longer and experience less severe medical problems. However, divorce has the opposite outcome, further demonstrating the importance of picking the right man before marrying.^{[13]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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5
Keep an eye out for red flags. If he is emotionally withdrawn, possessive or jealous, or has no close family or friends, be wary and make sure you are mature enough to handle potentially difficult situations. If he has cheated on you, abandoned his children, lied to you about major issues, been cruel to others, or repeatedly demonstrated financial irresponsibility, he is probably not marriage material.^{[14]
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- Under no circumstances should you marry a man who is emotionally or physically abusive. Find a husband who gives you the love and respect you deserve.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I choose a good husband?

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Michelle Joy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and serves on the Board of Directors for the Couples Institute Counseling Services in the San Francisco Bay Area. With almost 20 years of therapy training and experience, Michelle offers couples therapy intensives, communication workshops, and Marriage Prep101 Workshops. Michelle is also a certified Enneagram teacher, has presented at the 25th annual International Enneagram Conference, and is a graduate of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy – Advanced Level. She received an MS in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University.

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

People who make good long-term partners tend to be flexible and willing to make compromises. They also care about how their partner feels and aren't shy when expressing care, compassion, and support.