How to Carry on a Conversation

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 6, 2023 References

The art of conversation comes easily to some and not to others. Human interaction is crucial for survival and is one of the best ways to connect with someone. You might be comfortable having conversations in private or online, but struggle with having conversations at parties or business functions. Going on a date poses conversational challenges too. Finding a comfortable strategy to handle conversations in all situations will expand your connection with people and the world.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Managing a Social Conversation

1
Strike up a conversation with a simple, “Hello, how are you?” Depending on the response, you will know if the person is comfortable talking with you. If he wants to have a conversation, ask him questions that are basic to begin with such as, “Where are you travelling to today? How long are you staying?”
- If the conversation continues, you can ask more personal questions. As she shares more personal information, you can as well. This will increase the quality of the interaction.
- Ask questions such as, “What was it like growing up in southern California? Did you spend a lot of time at the beach or playing sports?”
- If you sense that he is tiring of the conversation simply say, “Well, it’s been great talking with you. I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.” You can tell if someone is tiring if they keep looking away, checking their watch, or just seem generally distracted or rushed.
2
Use conversations to determine compatibility. Conversations that occur on a date carry a bit more pressure than most conversations. The only way you will get to know someone is to have conversations about subjects including shared interests, values, ideals and education level.^{[1]
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Research source} You want to find someone who is compatible with you and conversation will lead you there.

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3
Be open to answering questions. Open conversations require you to be vulnerable. Keep your eye on the benefits involved in getting to know someone. This might help you remain open. You may want to date the person, do business with them, or ask them to be your mentor.
- Thank the person for being open and answering your questions.
- Start with simple questions and move toward deeper questions. You will definitely want to ask about where the person attended school before you ask about his relationship with his father.
- If you sense the person’s discomfort with certain subject matter, don’t continue in that direction. Choose a different topic. Signs that someone is uncomfortable may include: looking down, fidgeting, looking pale, clenched jaw or forced smile.
4
Be an active listener. Let the person know that you are listening by repeating back what they say in a different way, or at another point in the conversation. People like to be listened to and more importantly understood.
- For example, when someone is talking, keep your eyes focused on them and occasionally nod to show that you're engaged. Wait until they are done talking to make a comment like, "wow" or "yeah, I see what you mean." Perhaps ask a follow up question that directly relates to what they were saying^{[2]
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  Research source}.
5
Ask for a second date. If you're on a date and the conversation flowed say, “I think things went well tonight, do you? I would like to do this again.” If they give a positive response, set a second date or at minimum tell her when you will call or text. Make sure you follow through on your stated intention.
6
Consider age differences when conversing with someone. Everyone, regardless of age is happier when their lives are filled with deep and meaningful conversations.^{[3]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} However, it helps to be aware of a person's age when conversing with them.
- Do not intimidate or invade a child’s personal space during a conversation. Ask simple questions and allow the child to respond. Children usually resist the harder questions that may have more social significance. If she doesn’t want to talk with you, then allow her to refrain.
- Speak in normal volume levels when talking with an elderly person, unless the person asks you to speak louder. Don’t assume every old person is hard of hearing. Saying, “Hello, how are you doing today?” will start any conversation. Learn as much as you can from older people. They have learned a lot in life and are likely to be happy to share it with you.^{[4]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  University of Rochester Medical Center
  Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
  Go to source}
- Not every older person likes to be called sweetie or honey.
- Be kind and understand that you may be the only one the person talks to during any given day. A happy life includes meaningful conversation.
7
Focus on networking for personal and business growth. You might be at a local meeting or at a national gathering of people you don’t know. Conversations are essential if you want to do business with someone, or someone is seeking you out.
- Break the ice with compliments such as, “That is a great tie,” or “Your watch is amazing,” or “Those shoes are spectacular.”
- Manage humor with caution. Everyone has a different sense of humor.
- Secure contact information to expand your mailing list.
8
Find common threads that link you to the person or people in the crowd. Humans have an innate tendency to find a way to relate to one another. Comfort is gained when you don't feel alone in a crowd. Conversation will lead you to find connections to explore.
- If you are at a wedding and sitting at a table with people you don’t know, you have options. You can sit there quietly eating your meal, or you can spark up a conversation to pass the time. Some people have actually met their future spouses at weddings. That wouldn’t happen without conversation.
- Ask the person or people around you how they know the bride or groom.
- Stick to safe subjects and avoid politics, religion and sexual content.^{[5]
  X
  Research source} You want to keep the discord to a minimum at least until they cut the cake.
- Talk about the food being served, and hope that it is good.
- If the conversation becomes bogged down, excuse yourself to use the restroom or go to another table where you might know someone. Weddings are usually held in beautiful places. Take advantage and find a beautiful place to take it all in. Perhaps the bar will be your destination.
9
End a conversation gracefully. There might be times when you would like to end a conversation during a date, at the end of a meeting, or when you are exhausted.^{[6]
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Research source} You have every right to end a conversation if you want or need to. Be kind and say, “I’m so happy you took the time to meet with me today. I think I’m going to get going.” A graceful exit is your goal.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Having a Private Conversation

1
Organize your thoughts before a conversation. You are about to have a private conversation with someone, so get mentally prepared. Determine a clear goal and desired outcome. Private conversations are usually private for a reason. Think about what you want to say and how you want to respond to potential question.
- If you want to tell someone you have feelings for him be clear about how you feel about the person? Are you ready for a relationship, or do you just want to date? What are your expectations? Do you just want to be friends?
- If you want to ask for a raise at work, think about the things you have done that would support your request. Have you been a top-performer? Do you take the initiative to get things done?
2
Write out what you want to say before you say it. This will clarify your thoughts and expectations. The act of writing will allow you to focus on the subject matter items you must cover in your conversation. An organized conversation is a more productive conversation.
- Practice saying what you wrote as this will relieve the stress you might be feeling.
3
Exercise before you talk to the person. This will lessen your anxiety and calm you.^{[7]
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Research source} Pick something you like to do and focus your attention on getting a good work out. You will feel clear-headed as you approach the conversation.
- Being responsive in your actions and communications with the person you have feelings for are keys to a good relationship.^{[8]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
4
Set a date and time to have the conversation. Most people are busy so setting a time for the conversation is helpful to everyone. There are times when you won’t be able to set something up. Instead, you might need to pick an opportune time right on the spot. If you are prepared, then you will be able to respond when needed.
5
Practice relaxation techniques. The lead-up to an important conversation can be filled with nervous energy. Find a way to manage your nerves. Take deep breaths, close your eyes and tell yourself, “I can do this. This is important to me and I need to do this."
6
Give yourself a push. Sometimes we need a little push to get things going. You push yourself because the matter is important and you are willing to take the risk. The potential for a great outcome is directly tied to you taking action. It won't happen unless you do it.
- Once you are with the person, take a deep breath and tell yourself, “1-2-3 go,” then say what you need to say. to the person, “Hey, I want to tell you something that is really exciting for me. I hope you feel the same. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together and I would love to spend more quality time with you. How are you feeling about this?” These words will provide a great starting point. Let his answer guide the way.
- Prepare yourself for the possibility that he may not feel the same about you. Leading off the conversation with a certain amount of ambiguity, will allow you the safety and freedom to discontinue or redirect further conversation.
7
Keep any conversation going by asking questions. Open-ended questions are preferred, but you can ask closed-ended, yes or no questions too. An open-ended question is framed to elicit a detailed response. If you have prepared yourself for the conversation, then you won’t have a shortage of things to ask.
- An example of an open-ended question is, “Tell me a little bit about growing up in Arizona.” A question like this might steer you toward family details, education, and other interesting subjects.”
- An example of a closed-end question is, “Did you find a good place to park?” Even though this elicits a yes or no response, it may lead to a detailed conversation about the parking situation in the neighborhood, which could lead to other topics.
- A meaningful conversation will include both types, so don’t let the pressure to be perfect cause the conversation to wither and end.
8
Maintain good eye contact. Looking at someone while they talk shows the person you respect her. If your eyes wander to other body parts, or to other people walking by the person will notice and either be upset or lose interest in talking with you. If the person is looking at you when you are talking, you must return the favor.
- There are different cultures that believe averting your eyes away from someone is a sign of respect. You are responsible to determine ahead of time if cultural differences will impact your conversation.
9
Leave your mobile phone at a distance. Mobile phones left in your immediate surroundings will cause unwanted distraction. Distractions from mobile phones pull your attention away from the person and the conversation. Determine if the conversation requires a heightened level of your attention. The more serious the subject matter, the higher the need is to remove the possibility of distractions.
10
Be an active listener.^{[9]
X
Research source} If you ask a person a question, you must listen to the answer without interrupting. Once the person is done you can ask a new question, or ask a question to clarify or reflect and emotion back to the person. When a person knows you are listening and they are being heard, the interaction becomes more comfortable. As conversations become more comfortable, you can ask deeper more intimate questions.
11
Be kind and courageous when delivering bad news. It is difficult to tell someone bad news whether you have to fire someone, tell someone a loved one passed away, or you are breaking up with someone. It is perfectly normal to get nervous about it, squirm and try to avoid it. Unfortunately there are times in life when it is unavoidable and you’ve got to find the strength to do it.
- Use the sandwich technique. This technique involves saying something positive about the person, telling them the bad news then finishing with a positive statement. This will help soften the blow of receiving the bad news. Depending on the intensity of what you have to tell the person, anything that eases the situation is helpful.
- For example you could say, “You are really good with people and I can tell people really like you. Unfortunately, we’ve decided not to fill the job after all. I’m certain another employer will benefit from having a great employee like you.”
12
Make it as painless as possible. You don’t want to prolong the inevitable, so get to the point of the conversation as quickly as possible. This is the most compassionate thing to do. If you drag out a conversation that ends with bad news, you will likely cause a negative reaction.
- Start the conversation by saying, “Look, I’ve got some bad news and it’s going to probably upset you. So I’m just going to say it. I got a call. Your mother passed away. Is there anything I can do to help?”
- Listening to the person express their feelings and concerns is an important part of the conversations.
- Share similar experiences with the person by saying, “I know when my mother died it was one of the hardest things. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.”
13
Practice your approach. The more you practice your approach to the different types of conversations, the better you will get. When the time comes it will be less difficult. Develop techniques for dealing with people such as car repair people, contractors, store clerks, and people on the bus or subway.
- For example, if you continually have difficulty with contractors working on your home, have a conversation with them at the outset by saying, “I’m looking for someone who is going to follow through on what they say rather than over promise and under-produce. I would rather have honest communication than feel bad about the situation if expectations are not met.” They will let you know if they can rise to the challenge. This sets an expectation that will help you if there are future difficulties.
14
Be prepared when delivering positive news. It is one of life’s pleasures when you get to deliver good new to someone. There are times when you may need to be more prepared than simply blurting out the news. If you are planning to have a conversation about having a baby, or getting married, or taking a dream job in New York, you need to have a plan.
- Consider everyone’s reactions and plan accordingly. If you know your mother flips out when she hears exciting news, determine an appropriate location.
- Anticipate the questions people will ask you during the conversation. For example, if you are pregnant people will want to know when you are due, if you have selected baby names, and how you are feeling.
- Be open to answering questions and remember the other person is excited for you.
- If you are asking someone to marry you, decide where it will happen, what time, and what you are going to say. Whether you are on a mountain top at sunset or on paddle boards in the morning, the conversations leading up to and following your proposal can be exciting. These are special moments so take extra precautions so you won’t be disappointed.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Conducting an e-Conversation

1
Create and respond to emails as if they represent you. Online conversations are becoming more and more an essential part of the daily experience including all forms of education.^{[10]
X
Research source} Your words represent who you are and your personal brand, so putting your best foot forward is important. If you don’t have the benefit of a face-to-face conversation, your image is formed by crafting online communication.
2
Convey a proper tone in texts and emails. Be mindful that the tone of your texts and emails can get lost. Conversations in e-form are one-dimensional and can be misunderstood. You don’t have the benefit of seeing a person face-to-face to observe the body language, voice tone, and emotion of a conversation.
- Be polite in your choice of words.
- Refrain from using all capital letters throughout the text or email. This will be perceived as yelling.
- Use emoticons, a small facial icon portraying an emotion, to clarify the emotional intent of your comments and conversations.
3
Begin and end online communications in a personable, professional manner. For example, always include a greeting such as, “Dear _____, I was excited to see your email today and thought I would reach out.” Sign off of by saying, “Thank you for allowing me to explain my situation. I look forward to your reply. Respectfully submitted, _____.”
4
Be clear and to the point. If you have a question, quickly get to asking it. Depending on the recipient, you may only have a few seconds to hook the person’s attention.
5
Be friendly. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Even if you need to express a conflict or dissatisfaction you can maintain a professional demeanor. For example, “Dear ____, It has come to my attention that there has been an error made by your company. I am contacting you today to resolve the matter and hope that the issue can be settled without taking further action.”
6
Show discretion when having social media conversations. Whether you spend an hour per day or per month online, everyone has an online reputation.^{[11]
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Research source} The power of positive actions and the devastating consequences of an online fail can change your circumstances in a heartbeat. Each comment you make on social media is either the potential start of a conversation, or a response that can further the conversation.
7
Make your point without being abrasive. For example, you can say, “I understand why you are upset, and I need to tell you why I am too.” Pause before you make any comments. Ask yourself, “Will this offend, belittle, or cause me problems in my future interaction?” Pause twice before you hit send. Remember you can’t get something back once you send it.
8
Refrain from antagonizing the community. The anonymous nature of online commenting carries a potential to unleash the mob mentality. If you start an online conversation on a social media site and someone doesn’t like the comment, a herd of haters may join you. Reasonable people can turn into irresponsible people because they believe no one will catch them or punish them.^{[12]
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Research source}
9
Don’t respond to conversations that will upset you or drag you further into negativity. If someone says something to you, turn the other cheek. Positive comments will almost always elicit positive responses. Stick with those types of comments and every online conversation will be positive.
10
Use texting to converse with others. Text messaging allows you to stay in touch with those you care about. Some age groups use it more than others, and some abuse texting to the point of causing health problems.^{[13]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Texting is a very useful tool in today’s conversations. When life is busy, you don’t always have the time to call or talk to someone you care about.
11
Practice common courtesy when texting. If a person sends you a text, respond to them in a reasonable amount of time. The same common courtesies you would demonstrate in a face-to-face conversation need to be demonstrated in text conversations.
- If you send a text and you do not get a response, don’t pout about it. Send a second text and ask if the person received it.
- If it bothers you that someone doesn’t respond to your text messages you can say, “Hi, can you do me a favor and at least respond with the letter “K” when I send you a text. At least that tells me you received it and I won’t have to worry about it.”
12
Stay connected with family. If your grandparents are set up to e-mail and text, send them texts to let them know you love and care for them. Grandparents feel ignored at times and benefit from knowing that you are doing well.^{[14]
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Research source} If they are capable and interested, they are never too old to learn something new.

Warnings

Be aware of social media trolls who target unsuspecting people to antagonize or bully. Most social media groups have ways to block unwanted harassing comments. The situation may require you to close your accounts.

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