How to Calm Someone with Anxiety

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: January 8, 2023 References Approved

Being with someone during an anxiety or panic attack can be stressful and scary. Helping someone with anxiety can be a confusing task if you do not suffer from anxiety yourself. However, you can learn how to help someone with anxiety and help calm him or her down. Keep reading for tips on how to help someone with anxiety and how to help someone who is having a panic attack.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Helping Someone During an Anxiety Attack

1
Move your friend to a quiet, stress-free place. When your friend is feeling anxiety, you may want to move them to a quiet place. You want to reduce the stress of the situation and avoid causing any new stress. The goal is to help your friend by keeping the situation under control.^{[1]
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- If you are in a crowded place, help your friend find a quiet corner or part of the room. Do this discreetly so as not to draw attention to your friend, which may cause more anxiety.
2
Listen. Listening is one of the best things you can do for your friend during an anxiety attack. For someone with anxiety, having someone listen to your feelings can help you work through the anxiety. It also helps the feelings feel valid, which helps eliminate increased anxiety because a person might feel like they are being stupid or the feelings are wrong.
- Your friend may just need you to listen and try to understand their feelings during the panic attack. Just be a willing ear and listen to your friend.
- For example, you may tell your friend, "I am here for you. I am here to listen to you without any judgment or pressure. If you need to talk through your feelings or express your anxieties, I am here to listen. I will give you the support and encouragement you need."
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3
Stay with your friend. Even if you are unsure what you should do, being with your friend can provide a tremendous help and comfort. Often, there will be nothing you can do to help your friend. The anxiety will have to run its course or work itself out. Being there helps your friend not feel so alone.
- You can ask your friend, “Is there anything I can do?” If your friend’s answer is no, stay with your friend and be there for him or her.
4
Ask your friend if they take anxiety medicine. If your friend is having an anxiety attack, you should ask if your friend takes anxiety medicine to treat the anxiety. You may already know they take the medicine. Gently remind your friend to take the medicine if they haven’t yet.^{[2]
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- Think about the way you phrase the question or reminder. You may ask, “Do you have any medication you take when you feel this way?” If the answer is yes or you know your friend takes anxiety medicine, ask, “Would you like me to get your anxiety medication?” or “Do you have your medication with you?”
5
Practice breathing exercises with your friend. Breathing exercises are one of the best anxiety and panic relievers. Sometimes anxiety or panic can cause shortness of breath. Doing breathing exercises with your friend can help your friend gain control of their breath, focus on something, and calm down.
- Try getting your friend to inhale through the mouth and exhale through the mouth. You can try counting the breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four, then exhale for a count of four. Repeat five to 10 times.
6
Recognize the signs that an anxiety attack is over. Anxiety attacks may end within a few minutes, or the person may feel the affects of the anxiety attack for days. You may not be able to stay with the person through the entire attack or the duration of the anxiety. Instead, you should help get them to a calmer mental state so the person can go about their day or go home.^{[3]
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- Stay with the person until their breathing is under control. You can explain how to do a simple breathing exercise by saying something like, "Take a deep breath in through your nose while I count to four. Then, hold the breath for a few seconds and exhale slowly." Continue doing breathing exercises with this person until they have stopped hyperventilating.
- If your friend has taken anti-anxiety medication to help, remain with them until the medicine starts working.
- Keep talking to your friend to gauge their words. Though your friend may not be happy or fine, you can stick around until the panic, intense fear, or anxiety has subsided. Listen for a more normal speech speed or look for a reduced amount of shaking.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Finding the Right Words to Say to Calm a Person with Anxiety

1
Avoid telling your friend to calm down. One of the worst things you can do for your friend if they are suffering from anxiety is say, “Calm down.” People with anxiety can’t calm down, or they wouldn’t have an anxiety disorder.
- Telling your friend to calm down can be interpreted as you dismissing their feelings, implying that your friend is irrational, or saying that the feelings aren’t valid.
2
Offer sympathy instead of concern. Though you may be concerned when your friend has an anxiety attack, sharing your concern, being freaked out, or panicking yourself can increase your friend’s anxiety. Instead, be there for your friend and tell them you are sorry they are going through this. This can help your friend stay calm.^{[4]
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- Asking questions like, “Are you alright? Are you okay? Can you breathe?” or similar things can cause more anxiety since you are not calm.
- Instead, tell your friend, “I’m sorry you are going through this. This must be really difficult. This is an awful way to feel.”
3
Stay positive and encouraging. When your friend goes through an anxiety attack, try to be as positive and encouraging as you can. Help your friend remember that they are safe where they are at the moment.^{[5]
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- For example, you may tell your friend, “You can do this. It’s only your anxiety. The feelings are quite frightening, but you are safe. I am here. You can get through this, and I am proud of you.
4
Help your friend understand it’s not their fault. A lot of anxiety stems from feeling like a person’s anxiety is their fault or that something is wrong or broken inside them. When your friend faces anxiety, tell them, “This is not your fault. It is okay.” This helps calm your friend and not put added anxiety onto them.^{[6]
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- Being supportive and letting your friend know that it is not their fault does not mean that you enable your friend’s anxiety. Don’t accommodate your friend's fear and enable the anxiety. ^{[7]
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- For example, you should never give up doing things because of your friend's anxiety. You shouldn't pressure your friend, but you also shouldn't change your plans and life around the anxiety all the time. Either decide to go to the event by yourself or you and your friend can take steps to help reduce the stress of the event.
- Enabling means you make excuses for your friend, stop doing things because of your friend, and do things for your friend when they don't. Don't make excuses, lie, or try to take the responsibility away from your friend. Instead, help your friend accept the consequences of their anxiety.^{[8]
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5
Refrain from equating your friend’s anxiety to yours. Some people think that finding common ground can help their friend. You may think it’s a good idea to say, “I know how you feel” or “I’m stressed out/anxious, too.” Unless you also suffer from an anxiety disorder, you do not feel the same kind of anxiety or panic your friend feels.
- Saying these things to your friend may trivialize their feelings.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Supporting Your Friend with Anxiety

1
Let the person know they can talk to you. One thing you can do for someone with anxiety is let the person know that they can come to you. Reassuring your loved one that you won’t judge them no matter what they say or despite the anxiety can help give your friend some peace of mind. It will also help calm them.^{[9]
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- Tell your friend that you won’t like them any less no matter what their anxiety is. Even if your friend tells you every time you are together that they fear something, you will still be there for them and still feel the same way.
- Let your friend know that they can call you whenever they need you. This can help provide some calm for your friend. You may even say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”
2
Spend time with your friend. Another way you can calm your friend with anxiety is to spend time with them. Don’t avoid your friend, ignore calls, or cancel plans without a good reason. Avoiding your friend may cause more anxiety since they may believe it is their fault that you are not spending time with them.^{[10]
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- Being around other people can help your friend a lot. When someone with anxiety spends quality time with other people, it helps to distract from the anxiety. This can help your friend feel calmer and less anxious.
3
Be patient. You should be patient with your friend if they have anxiety. Getting frustrated will increase your friend’s anxiety. Staying patient during an anxiety attack or when your friend expresses any fears can help calm any anxiety.^{[11]
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- Remember that your friend suffers from a chemical imbalance and may rationally understand that any fears are unfounded. However, they are unable to control the anxiety, so getting frustrated because your friend can’t “get a grip” or think logically like you about something may worsen the anxiety.
- Forgive your friend if they say anything out of frustration or irritation. Because anxiety can cause a neurological change and sudden intense feelings, your friend may say something they do not mean. Let your friend know you understand and forgive them.
4
Avoid alcohol and controlled substances. You should never try to calm your friend with anxiety by giving them alcohol, recreational drugs, or other controlled substances. Alcohol may calm your friend temporarily, but alcohol and recreational drugs can aggravate a person’s anxiety. These substances can ultimately make the anxiety worse, which is the opposite of calming your friend.^{[12]
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- Alcohol can interact with certain anti-anxiety and antidepressants negatively.
- Encouraging your friend to turn to alcohol or other controlled substances may lead to addiction.
5
Suggest your friend seek help. If your friend suffers from an anxiety disorder but has not sought help for it, you should try to encourage your friend to get the help they need. Make sure to broach the subject of getting help when your friend is in a calm state. Suggesting they get help during a heightened state of anxiety may cause additional stress and a negative reaction.^{[13]
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- Decide if you are the right person to discuss this with your friend. If you are not extremely close, your friend may not trust your judgment or listen to what you have to say. If this is the case, talk to your friend's close friends or family members.
- Do research before you approach your friend. Have some suggestions of treatment options, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, ready for when you approach the person.
- There are helplines and organizations that can provide information for you if you are unsure how to help your friend with anxiety.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if my spouse has severe anxiety?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Supporting a spouse who has bad anxiety can be frustrating, but there are things you can do to help support them. Whenever they're feeling really anxious, acknowledge their feelings and listen to what they have to say. Let them know that you're there for them. While it's important to be supportive, you don't need to encourage their anxious thoughts. It's okay to point out that they might be worrying too much or looking at things with an unrealistic perspective, but make sure you validate their feelings and ask if they'd like your feedback first.
Question

How can I help my partner if they have severe anxiety?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

It can be helpful to attend a therapy session with your partner so you can learn more about anxiety and have an open and honest conversation with a professional. When your partner is feeling anxious and needs some support, the best thing to do in that moment is acknowledge their experience in a way that's not critical or judgmental. Your job is to listen to what they're going through, summarize, and then offer your support. However, make sure you kindly point out when your partner is worrying too much or viewing things unrealistically so you're not encouraging their anxiety.