How to Build Self Worth

Co-authored by Alyssa Chang

Last Updated: October 13, 2022 References Approved

Babies are born knowing their self-worth; as life moves on, the comments, expectations, and attitudes of other people can change this natural sense of self-worth. Self-worth is what enables us to believe that we are capable of doing our best with our talents, of contributing well in society, and that we deserve to lead a fulfilling life. Building it up again is therefore natural, essential, and healthy.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Your Head Right

1
Understand the power of your attitude toward yourself. How you perceive yourself, how you talk about yourself, and how you represent yourself eventually becomes the reality for you. And if it happens that you're putting yourself down, belittling your worth, and making light of your talents in the face of others, then you will come across as self-effacing, low in self-esteem, and almost a part of the wallpaper. There's a difference between humility and self-denial.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
- On the other hand, if you exaggerate your qualities, talents, and skills, you'll come across as egotistical and arrogant. Oddly enough, this is not about overestimating your self-worth but about deceiving yourself through insecurity. There is a middle pathway and it is the one in which you recognize and celebrate the fact that you are a valuable person, equal to everyone else, and that your talents and thoughts are unique and worthy. Getting to this belief can be difficult if you have spent years underestimating your worth but it is always possible to change your thoughts and to learn to value yourself.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
2
Learn to overcome a fear of self-love. Self-love is often equated with narcissism, egotism, and some kind of one-way trip to a negative form of introversion. This is probably partly because the English language has a hard time dealing with the word "love" – it has to cover a lot of territory for the many different types of love out there. It is also mired in the confusion people feel about the message to do good unto others, to always be charitable, and to give of oneself. While these are noble intentions, they can often be taken out of proportion and used to downplay putting one's own needs and wants beneath those of others out of a fear of being perceived as selfish or inward-looking. Again, this is about getting the balance right through self-care.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Healthy self love is about being your own best friend. Self love is expressed not through preening oneself all day and constantly announcing how great you are (those are signs of intense insecurity); rather, self love is about treating yourself with the same care, tolerance, generosity, and compassion as you would treat a special friend.
- Avoid obsessing over how other people see you. How does it help you to cater your personality to their idea of you? Only you can give yourself the esteem boost you need.
Advertisement
3
Trust your own feelings. Self-worth requires that you learn to listen to and rely on your own feelings and not automatically respond to the feelings of other people. When you trust your own feelings, you'll recognize unfair demands and be able to respond to them better.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
- Self-worth plummets when we let others make decisions for us. Initially, this may seem like the easy route and one that allows you to avoid hard choices, however, our self-worth grows when we make decisions for ourselves. If you don't, you will always find yourself boxed in by what other people decide for you. When the people who make decisions for you disappear from your life, you are left alone and indecisive.
4
Analyze yourself. Many of us live in a culture that is very fond of going to see someone else to analyze us. Here are some questions for your self-analysis:^{[5]
X
Research source}
- What experience have I had? How has this experience informed my growth?
- What are my talents? List at least five.
- What are my skills? Remember that talents are innate, skills need to be worked on to perfect them.
- What are my strengths? Stop focusing on your weaknesses; you've probably done that long enough. Start looking at what your strengths are and start thinking about how you can make the most of them in the things you choose to do. Try taking the character strengths survey at www.viacharacter.org.
- What do I want to be doing with my life? Am I doing it? If not, why not?
- Am I happy with my health? If not, why not? And what can I do to move into wellness instead of living in sickness?
- What makes me feel fulfilled? Am I working on that or am I busy working on other people's fulfillment?
- What is important to me?
5
Stop making your self-worth conditional on other people. If you try to live up to other people's expectations, you'll struggle to find your self-worth. Unfortunately, many people live this way, making such choices as what to study, what career to choose, where to live, and how many children to have -- all based on expectations from parents, spouses, friends, and the media.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Be very wary of listening too much to people who regret the choices that they made in life and who actively inflict their distress or anger upon others. They'll give you poor information, incorrect details, or simply omit to inform you at all.
- People with healthy self-worth will share their insights and learning with you, and will be willing to guide you around life's many traps. Look for those people to mentor you.
- Let go of the parts of your self-worth that are based on people's opinions from your childhood. Whether it was your parents, a caregiver, or kids at school, their opinions don't determine who you are as a person. If those people made you feel bad about yourself, look for evidence in your life that they're wrong so you can let go of their opinions.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Mastering a Positive Self-Image

1
Tell yourself that you matter. Realistic self pep-talks are great and affirming your self-worth openly to yourself can be a good way to start changing the negative self-talk that you might have developed over time. Make set times during the day to remind yourself that you're a great person. Tell yourself you're special, wonderful, lovable, and loved.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Affirmative talk is part of a range of methods for boosting yourself and for taking out time to acknowledge that you do matter -- just as much as every person around you.
- Try to be specific with your self-affirmations. For example, instead of saying "I love myself," you could say "I love myself because I'm a smart, compassionate person."
2
Prove to yourself that you matter. One of the problems with self-affirmations is that there is a sense that affirmations are magical, that they are all that's needed to improve your sense of self. When in reality, you also need to act on your sense of self-worth. This is achieved by recognizing and accepting responsibility.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Responsibility is recognizing that you are in control of your attitude, your reactions, and your sense of worth. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent," and that is the crux of poor self-worth: letting other people and circumstances serve as the source of lowering your self-worth is going to keep you stuck.
- Accept the responsibility for your circumstances. Make a decision to do something about them. Even if others appear to stand in your way, work around them.
3
Build your self-confidence. Improving your self-confidence is a great way to work on a more positive self-image.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.} There are several strategies you can use to improve your self-confidence including:
- Blocking negative thoughts. Every time you have a negative thought, turn it into something positive. For example, if you think to yourself, “I will never pass this test,” then change the thought to something like, “I will pass this test if I study hard for it.”^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
- Removing negativity from your environment. Surround yourself with people who are uplifting and supportive. Steer clear of people who are negative and critical of themselves or other people.^{[11]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
- Being assertive. Being assertive will help you to get your needs met and this will help you to feel happier.^{[12]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- Setting goals. Set realistic goals for yourself, and make sure to reward yourself when you accomplish them.^{[13]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
- Seeking mental health support. Working with a mental health professional, such as a therapist, can help you to develop your self-confidence.
4
Forgive yourself and other people. Responsibility also requires that you relinquish the need to use blame as a source of coping; blame alleviates the need to look at yourself and to change your own behavior. Blame will leave you stuck in time and stuck with your negative feelings, and it perpetuates feelings of helplessness. Blame implies that someone or something else has the power that you lack.^{[14]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Don't blame your parents, the government, your next door neighbors. They may have made things difficult for you but don't use that as an excuse to reduce your self-worth. Avoid being a martyr; the responsibility to move on as a strong, whole person rests with you.
5
Work on your resilience. Resilient people have the emotional strength to get through life's difficulties without falling apart. This isn't about belittling the hardships and challenges of life. It is about how you react and work your way through them. You always have a choice between demeaning yourself or always remembering your self-worth and staying firm in that resolve.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
Go to source}
- To do this, focus your energy on what you need to do to change the situation or the circumstances. Realize that other people have been wrapped up in the circumstances too and are not necessarily directing the outcome.
6
Break the habit of trying to please other people. When you stop having to please everyone else, your desires will rise to the surface and you can start working on your own happiness and self-worth.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. In doing so, respect the feelings of others but don't be beholden to them.
7
Heed opportunities. Opportunities present themselves in all sorts of ways. Part of building self-worth is learning to recognize these opportunities, however small, and working with them.^{[17]
X
Research source}
- Turn challenges into opportunities. Successful people tend to turn challenges into opportunities.
- Try to think of challenges in your life as an opportunity to grow into a stronger person.
8
Budget your money. Self-worth is often closely tied to one's financial situation. All financial opportunities that come your way should be assessed with care.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- Retirement savings, investments, and savings in general are all things that will help ensure a sound life for you and financial freedom allows you the space to build self-worth away from financial pressures.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Seeing Your Worth

1
Value yourself regardless of your job and earnings. In societies that tend to value people by what they do rather than by who they are, there is a great risk of undervaluing your self-worth because it's tied up in earnings and job prestige. If you ever find yourself replying, "Oh I'm just a ..." in reply to the question, "So what do you do?", you're suffering from a self-worth deficit. You are not "just" anything – you are a unique, valuable, and wonderful human being who matters.^{[19]
X
Research source}
2
Value your time. If you're performing volunteer or low-paid support work that eats up your time beyond what you can afford, and you're neglecting other parts of your life, such as looking for a job, spending time with your family, or ensuring that your own life is running smoothly, then it's possible that you're caught up in competing value systems.^{[20]
X
Research source}
- The first value system is that which tells us we must volunteer or contribute community service to others more needy in society because it is both noble and essential for our own sense of well-being. The second value system is that which rewards us for knowing our self-worth and for expecting good compensation for what we contribute to society.
- These two competing values create tension for many well-meaning people who want to give but find themselves caught up in the challenges of lack of time, lack of money, and a sense of inadequacy with all the juggling.
- Eventually this will lead to one or more of the following: being sick, exploding, walking out for good, resenting the loss of your time, and/or perpetuating an unhealthy balance that would not only impact you but serve as a poor role model for your children, friends, and others that are watching you. When you feel a need to downplay your talents and skills and give them away freely or at little cost, take back your time and to start valuing yourself more.
3
Balance the time you give away to others and time spent on your own life. Could you be spending more time with your family and/or friends? If the answer to that is yes, then realize that your wealth resides in keeping that time for you and those you love, and reducing the amount of time you give away to others. When altered, this can easily spur you onto the path of increased self-worth.^{[21]
X
Research source}
- This doesn't mean that you have to give up helping out completely, but you do need to put community service or commitments to helping others into perspective. At the end of the day, you matter more than anything.
4
Follow through. Maintain your focus on self-worth as an important part of what goes into making you whole. Make time on a regular basis to check on your progress in building your self-worth and be patient. It takes time to change negative self-talk and putting yourself last. If your entire pattern of interacting with others has been based on effacing yourself as much as possible, it will take a lot of courage to make the changes needed. But it's 100% possible.^{[22]
X
Research source}
- There will be some people who find the new, more assertive you a little confronting. Don't let that worry you because it's about your journey, not theirs! You are seeking to gain respect as you go, something that people pleasers rarely have.
5
Live in the present. The past has its lessons, but the only moment that truly matters is now. It is the only moment that "is," after all. Nothing else is a sure thing. And if this moment isn't what you want to be, make it so the next moment is.^{[23]
X
Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
- Keep a notebook of your achievements. Every time you feel tempted to put yourself down and to bemoan that you're getting nowhere, make a cup of coffee, sit down comfortably and take out this book and read through it. Can you update it with a new achievement while you're there?
- Compete only with yourself, not with others. Those achievements are what you do and how they make you feel, not how others perceive them or what others have done just like it.

Warnings

Setting yourself up to do a lot is overwhelming, and as the list builds up, it will depreciate your self-worth by reminding you what you haven't done. Sometimes, it may lead you to falsely believe that you can do things you can't and that you can't do things that you can. Take breathers and reassess your life's direction on a regular basis.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 173 Not Helpful 29