How to Build Character

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: September 26, 2022 Approved

Character comes from the Greek word kharakter, which means basically "to engrave with a stick." Think of character like a stamp that you use to make an impression in the wax of your self.^{[1]
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Research source} Whatever your age or experience, building character is a process of lifelong learning that involves experience, leadership, and a constant dedication to growth and maturity. Start building it now.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Gaining Experience

1
Take risks. Like an athlete needs to learn to lose to better appreciate a victory, a person needs to risk failure in order to build character. Character is built when a person moves out of their comfort zone and faces the possibility of failure. Learn to push yourself toward success, handle coming up short, and become a better person regardless of the outcome. Taking risks means committing to challenging projects that might be too difficult to take on.
- Put yourself out there. Approach the cute the barista and risk getting shot down when you ask for a date. Volunteer for extra responsibilities at work, even if you're not sure you'll be able to do them. Decide what you want out of life and grab it.
- Don't come up with reasons to not do things, look for reasons to act. Take a risk by going on that rock climbing trip with your friends, even if you haven't learned how to do it and are worried about embarrassing yourself. Take a risk by applying to those graduate schools with small student bodies. Don't invent excuses, invent reasons.
- Building character doesn't mean acting recklessly when it comes to your safety. Driving recklessly, or abusing substances has nothing to do with building character. Take productive risks.
2
Surround yourself with people of high character. Identify people in your life that you respect, people who you think exhibit desirable character traits. Decide what you want to be like, what makes the best version of yourself, and find people like that. Then, pay attention to what makes them successful, and try to learn from that.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 April 2020.}
- Hang out with people who are older than you. Increasingly, we spend less and less time as a culture learning from our elders. As a young person, make it a goal to befriend someone much older than yourself and learn from their perspective. Spend time with older relatives, talking and learning.
- Hang out with people very different than you. If you tend toward a quiet and reserved personality, you might think of someone with an uncensored and loud way of talking has good character, and can learn to loosen up a little bit and speak your mind.
- Hang out with people you admire. The best way to build character is to hang around people you admire, who you want to be like, and who you can learn from. Don't surround yourself with sycophants or convenient friends. Befriend powerful people you want to model yourself after.
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3
Get out of your comfort zone. Building character means learning how to handle tough or uncomfortable situations. Volunteer helping at-risk kids after school, or spend time doing mission work through your church. Head to a local black metal show and see what it's like. Find ways to shake up the status quo and understand other people on a complicated level.
- Travel to uncomfortable places and figure out how to make yourself feel at home. Walk around a town you've never been in and get someone to ask you for directions.
- When you're trying to come up with ways to get out of your comfort zone, think about the things you liked when you were younger. You might go back to an old hobby, for instance, or you might try something that you used to think would never be possible.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2020.}
4
Get a job that isn’t fun, at least once. Mopping up the gunk under the meat grinder at the fast-food restaurant? Toiling under a hot summer sun mixing mortar? Dealing with angry customers at the shoe store? Less than desirable ways to spend your Saturday afternoons, it's true, but having difficult jobs is an excellent way of building character. Money becomes more valuable and more meaningful when you see what it takes to make it in the world.
- Having a bad job helps you learn a lot about the way different business work, and the struggle some people face. Working at McDonald's is a difficult and dignified job and a person of high character will recognize that. Be a more open-minded and understanding person by working.
5
Commit to self-improvement. Building character is an essential part of life-long learning. If you want to be a person that other people look to for inspiration, someone respected in your community and spoken of as a person of high character, make an active effort to improve yourself day in and day out.
- Take small steps toward building your character. Pick one thing that you'd like to work on at a time. Maybe you want to be a better listener with your partner, or be more committed at work. Take it a day at a time and build the skills slowly. Don't try to take everything on at once. You'll do better when you focus on one new skill or trait at a time.
- It's common to look back on yourself in your younger years and be embarrassed. Bad haircuts, outbursts, and immaturity. Don't be embarrassed. Take your embarrassment as a sign that you're building character.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Becoming a Leader

1
Learn to empathize. Found among Lincoln's papers after his death was a stern note to a particular general who had failed to follow orders, in which Lincoln wrote that he was "distressed immeasurably" at the general's conduct. It's harsh, personal, and cutting. ^{[4]
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Research source} Interestingly enough, the note was never sent, probably because Lincoln–a great leader by any standard–had learned to empathize with the general, who had seen more blood at Gettysburg than Lincoln could have imagined. He gave the general the benefit of the doubt.
- If a friend stands you up when you had plans, or if your boss fails to mention all the hard work you put in at a meeting, a person of character will let it slide sometimes. Learn from the past and be more cautious and calculated with your expectations next time.
- A person of character focuses on the bigger picture. Tearing the general a new one would have accomplished nothing but alienating him from Lincoln, making the situation worse. What's done is done, and what's past is past. Try to focus on the future.
2
Let yourself vent in private. Just because Lincoln didn't send the letter doesn't mean it wasn't important for him to write. No one, no matter how strong of character, can be made of ice. You're going to get angry, frustrated, and upset. That's a part of life. Burying those emotions into the depths of your person won't help you build character, so it's important to make room for venting sometimes, but in a private way that'll keep your public character safe. Find a relaxing activity to help you process frustrations and anger, so you can let it go.
- Write angry screeds in a notebook, then tear it out and burn it. Listen to Slayer while you lift heavy stuff at the gym. Go running. Find a physical and healthy way to get the frustration out of your system and let it go.
- On House of Cards, Frank Underwood, stoic and sleazy politician, likes to blow off steam playing violent video games after a long day of cutting deals in the House of Representatives. It's more than just a funny character trait: everyone needs a way to unwind. Find yours.
3
Open up to a variety of people. A person of character is able to communicate openly with lots of different kinds of people. Don't be insular. character comes from learning as much as you can from different sorts of people. Have long talks with the guy at the BBQ joint you frequent, and with the bartender, as well as your coworkers, your friends, and your family. Listen to what they have to say. Be honest with them. This helps to build character.
- If you need to vent, find mutually-beneficial vent partners and meet up to open up with each other. Then talk about other things and focus on happier times. Don't just dwell on the bad.
4
Lose graciously. As James Michener once put it, character has to do with what you do on the third and fourth try, not the first. How do you approach a difficult or a losing situation? Learn to face defeat and lose graciously and you'll start building strong character traits.
- Compete at little things to help learn this skill. It's hard to learn to lose graciously when you're talking about major, life-changing competitions, like getting into college, competing for a job, or more serious competitive moments. Build these traits playing board games, sports, and other littler ways of competing, so you can have the essential foundation for the more important stuff.
- Be a good winner, too. Remember how it feels to come up short and neither condescend nor criticizer the loser. Celebrate in private, but celebrate.
5
Challenge yourself with difficult goals. A person of character should lead by example, taking on challenges that won't come easily. Whether at school, work, or wherever you are, take on difficult projects and commit to doing them the right way.
- In school, don't challenge yourself to get "good grades," challenge yourself to do the best work that you're capable of doing. Maybe an A isn't high enough for what you can achieve.
- At work, volunteer for extra responsibilities, put in extra hours at the office, and go above and beyond each time you do your work. Whatever you do, do it right.
- At home, commit to bettering yourself in your free time. Nights that might be spent aimlessly shuffling things around your Netflix queue could be spend learning guitar, or getting cracking on that novel you've always wanted to write, or fixing up that old roadster. Take your hobbies seriously.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Growing and Maturing

1
Use setbacks as fuel. FailCon is a Silicon Valley conference that celebrates failure as an essential part of success. Failure is just a speed bump on the way to getting what you want, eliminating one possibility from a list of possibilities. Fail early and fail often, take your licks, and learn what you can the next time you reorganize and set yourself up for a better outcome.
- Go about failure in a scientific way. If you started a company that ended up bankrupt, or if your band just broke up, or if you lost your job, welcome the failure. There, you might say, was one wrong answer that you can check off the list of possible right answers. You're just making your job easier.
- Remember that often you get more from the journey than you do the destination. Try to enjoy the progress you make, including the failures, shortcomings, and false starts that get you there.
2
Stop looking to others for approval. Sometimes psychologists talk about inner and outer locus of control. People with an "inner locus" are satisfied from within, looking to satisfy themselves and worry less about what other people think. People with an outer locus, on the other hand, are pleasers. While self-sacrifice can seem like a character trait that's desirable, pleasing others to please yourself keeps other people in the driver's seat. If you want to take control of your life and your developing character, learn to worry about doing what you think is right, not what your boss, your partner, or other forces in your life tell you.
3
Think big. Dream your dreams and define big goals for yourself. What would be the best possible version of your life? Jump in headfirst. If you want to be a professional musician, move to the big city, form a band, and start gigging. Make no excuses. If you want to be a writer, find a job that gives you ample time to practice your craft and set a word-count goal each day on your novel. Write like mad. Aim for the top.
- A person of high character is also someone satisfied with what they have. Maybe for you, staying in your hometown, marrying your sweetheart, and having some kids is the best possible life you can imagine. Go for it. Pop the question and be satisfied.
4
Find a ladder and start climbing it. Decide what you want and find the route that will take you to it. If you want to be a doctor, figure out what medical schools will give you the best chance of getting a job, and commit to the grind of getting through the med school and residency process. Throw yourself into the work and the learning. Grab the brass ring.
- When you're trying to find your purpose, think about how you're interested in giving back to the world. Then, use that as a starting point for the direction you want to go.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2020.}
5
Learn to recognize and embrace your defining moments. Defining moments are easy to see in retrospect. Moments in which your mettle was tested, or your character was put to a challenge. A person of character will learn to recognize and anticipate those moments, to figure out what you might regret doing, or not doing, in the future, and making the right choice. There's no one way to do this, but it's got to do with how honest and familiar you are with yourself.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- Try to imagine all the possible outcomes of a given situation. If you're thinking about moving across the country to pursue a career in acting, what might happen? What will happen if you stay? Can you live with either outcome? What does it mean to "make it"?
- A person of high character, when recognizing defining moments, makes the right decision. If you're being tempted to stab a coworker in the back to get ahead, is it the right choice for you if it comes with a bigger paycheck? Will you be able to live with it? Only you can make that call.
6
Stay busy and avoid idleness. People of high character are doers, not talkers. When you decide to act, don't put your plan somewhere in the hypothetical future, roll it into motion right now, this second. Start doing what you want to do today.
- People of high character avoid indulgent behavior. Sleeping the day away, staying out all night drinking, and loafing around for no reason are not generally the behaviors of people high in character. Be a moral compass, not a beacon of sloth.
- Try to align your hobbies and your work as much as possible. If you enjoy reading books and daydreaming, go into academics and put your poetic senses to good use. If you like punching heavy bags, become a gym rat and start working at the gym. If you're doing what you want to do, you'll build character.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I become more mature?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

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You become more mature by putting yourself outside your comfort zone and taking on more responsibilities.
Question

How can I learn to be accommodating?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

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I would change the word accommodating with compassionate or empathetic. Accommodating suggests that you are trying to please other people and their needs rather than taking care of your own.
Question

How can I push myself to get out of my comfort zone?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Life Coach

Expert Answer

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Look around for people you look up to, and see what they do in the day-to-day part of their life. That can be a great way to get ideas for what you can do that might help you be successful in life.