How to Bring Intimacy Back Into a Relationship

Written by Nicole Moore | Edited by Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

You've been with your partner for years, and you love them. But lately, you're starting to feel like you're not so much "in love" with them anymore. If you're feeling disconnected from your favorite person, you've come to the right place. Here, we've gathered some of the best tips to reignite the passion in your relationship. This challenge is much easier to overcome if you both face it together as a team, so encourage your partner to read this article as well.

This article is based on an interview with our love and relationship coach, Nicole Moore, founder and CEO of Love Works Method. Check out the full interview here.

1

Bring back flirting and affectionate touch.

Touch and flirt with your partner routinely to promote physical intimacy. When you first started dating, you likely flirted a lot and couldn't keep your hands off each other—but somewhere along the way, that changed. The good news is it's never too late to bring it back. If it's been a while since you acted this way around your partner, start slow and work your way up to it.^{[1]
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Research source}
- For example, you might rest your hand on their arm or leg as you're making a point in a conversation or brush your hand down their back as you pass them in the kitchen.
- Whenever the mood strikes, give your partner a hug or brief squeeze. You might grab their hand as you're walking together or squeeze their knee when you're sitting next to each other.
- In private moments, try running your hand up their leg or down their chest. You also might give them a slightly longer kiss, then let your mouth linger around their neck or ear.

2

Change your sexual routine and habits.

Changing your habits periodically can keep you from getting into a rut. Monotony and predictability can become the enemies of intimacy, but switching things up from time to time can work wonders for your sex life and overall satisfaction with your relationship. Think about how relations normally go between you and your partner and make little tweaks that break that cycle.^{[2]
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- For example, if you normally only cuddle with your partner when you're in bed getting ready to go to sleep for the night, you might cuddle with your partner on the couch after dinner instead.
- If you and your partner typically have sex at night before you go to sleep, try setting your alarm a little earlier so you can surprise your partner with sex in the morning.

3

Make sex a part of your regular conversations.

Talking about sex and intimacy helps you understand each other better. Make what turns you on and what gets you in the mood as much a part of daily conversation as what food you like to eat or activities you enjoy. You'll find that you feel closer to your partner and can better anticipate when the time is right for more intimate interactions with each other.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- For example, you might mention that you really enjoy having sex to release tension after you've had a stressful day at work.
- This isn't about having conversations specifically about sex and intimacy, or even about your relationship. You can just mention these things casually. For example, if your partner casually rests their hand on your leg while they're driving, you might mention that you really like when they do that.

4

Increase your connection with your partner slowly.

Commit yourself to make an effort every day to reconnect. You didn't lose your connection overnight and it's unreasonable to expect that you'll get it back overnight. Do little things every day to incrementally rebuild your connection to each other.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- For example, you might start by giving your partner a quick peck on the cheek as they leave for work. After about a week of that, start giving them a longer, more lingering kiss. Gradually build up the intimacy, rather than trying to jump right into it (which is likely to feel forced and awkward).
- Talk to your partner about this, too. Don't make it your secret project. It's not likely to work if they're not on board and willing to put forth some effort as well.

5

Build your confidence so you feel more attractive.

Confidence makes you feel worthy of physical intimacy. Make a list of 10 things that are great about you. This doesn't necessarily have to be related to your physical appearance—it could be things you're good at or aspects of your personality. Your partner loves you for who you are, not just what you look like.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- This is something it can be easy to lose if your appearance has changed a lot since you and your partner first started seeing each other. For example, you might've had children or gained weight. But don't let those things get in the way of loving yourself—own all those special things that make you "you."
- If you're really unhappy with how you look, try doing some mirror work. Just stand in front of the mirror and ignore the critical voice in your head. Instead, focus on the things that you love about your appearance.

6

Have an honest talk about your relationship.

Discuss the feelings you have to break down barriers to intimacy. When you've been with someone for a long time, little resentments can build up without you even noticing. Take some time to explore these feelings openly and honestly. If you clear the air, you'll be in a better position to rekindle your passion and intimacy.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- For example, you might say, "I've been feeling a distance between us lately. Can we take a few minutes tonight to talk about what's going on?"
- It also helps to be specific about what you feel is missing in the relationship. For example, you might say, "I've noticed we just don't touch each other as much as we used to and I miss it. Can we talk about that?"
- If you and your partner have a hard time engaging in these conversations, consider getting help from a couples counselor. They give you a neutral environment where you can have some of these more difficult conversations with less fear and anxiety.

7

Spend time with your partner without distractions.

Turn off all of your devices and focus on each other to rebuild emotional intimacy. Getting away from your routine can help you and your partner find each other again. When you first started dating, the time you spent together was just that—time together. Now that you're sharing life, you're also sharing a lot of other things, and that makes it difficult to make time for just the two of you.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Don't worry if you feel restless without any distractions—you might try engaging in an activity together to help you focus your attention. For example, you could play a cooperative board game or put together a jigsaw puzzle.
- If you have the time and room in your budget, you might even consider a weekend couple's retreat where you disconnect from the world for a couple of days so you can reconnect with each other.

8

Reminisce about funny things that happened in the past.

Laughing together rekindles your intimacy and connection to each other. When you remember the times you laughed together, you'll likely laugh together again. You not only relive that moment, to some extent, through your laughter, but also have a new positive experience with each other. The whole process brings you closer together, increasing your overall relationship satisfaction.^{[8]
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- The wonderful thing about this is that it's something you can easily do anytime—you don't have to wait for the "right moment" to recall something funny that happened in your past.
- It does help if the memory is somewhat related to what you're doing. For example, if you're both cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, you might say, "Remember that time the dog got into the flour and spread it all over the kitchen? It was such a mess, but all we could do was laugh." As you laugh along, you'll feel closer to each other.

9

Express appreciation for things your partner does.

Showing that you appreciate your partner restores emotional intimacy. Everyone likes to know that their efforts are noticed and appreciated. When you tell your partner that you appreciate something they've done, they felt seen—and this translates into more positive and intimate feelings towards you.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- For example, you might say, "Hey, I really appreciate you taking out the trash this morning." And that's it! For little things, that's really all you need to say.
- You might go into more detail for something bigger. For example, you might say, "Listen, I need to tell you that I really appreciate you taking the kids out for dinner tonight. I was really struggling to finish this project by the deadline and that couple of hours by myself was exactly what I needed. I love you so much."

10

Leave little notes for your partner to find.

Surprise affirmations and compliments enhance emotional intimacy. Get a pack of sticky notes or small note cards and write out a few messages of love and encouragement. Place them around your home or among your partner's things in spots where they're easily found but not immediately visible, then wait.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}
- For example, you might write notes that say "I love you so much," or "You're my favorite person." These types of notes can be hidden anywhere.
- You can also write more specific notes and put them in places related to what you've written. For example, you might put a note that reads "You look great today" among your partner's toiletries in the bathroom or in a drawer.

11

Learn a new skill together.

Learning requires vulnerability, which builds emotional intimacy. This is a really easy way to trigger the same emotions you felt when you first met. When you were first getting to know each other, you were likely really nervous and excited—and that translated into intimacy. When you learn something new, you put yourself out there in the same way, so you'll both feel those same feelings again.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- One study showed that couples who engaged in exciting new activities together also increased their overall relationship satisfaction.^{[12]
  X
  Research source} Just feeling excited about the same thing together can really enhance your connection with your partner in a lot of ways.

12

Plan surprise dates for your partner.

A surprise date builds mystery and amps up your emotional intimacy. Tell your partner to block off a couple of hours, then take them someplace fun. It doesn't have to be an expensive or overly complex outing—just pick something you think they'd like. You can even pick out what they should wear to help add to the mystery.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Surprise makes your relationship feel fun and exciting. You'll enjoy planning the surprise and get a little rush from keeping it from your partner. It makes things a little unpredictable (in a good way).
- For example, you might make reservations at your partner's favorite restaurant followed by tickets to one of their favorite bands in concert. You might tell them to wear that shirt you like or their new jacket. If you're bad at keeping secrets, you can show them the concert tickets at dinner.

13

Develop skills and interests apart from each other.

Personal growth reinvigorates your passion by making you feel like a new person. When you first started seeing each other, part of the excitement came from the fact that there were still things about your partner for you to discover. After you've been with each other for a few years, though, you lose a lot of that excitement because you already know each other so well. This changes when each of you does things on your own, then comes back with new and exciting things to share.^{[14]
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- For example, suppose you've always been interested in pottery. If you take a pottery class on your own, it'll invigorate and excite you—and you can bring that energy back to your partner.
- New skills and interests can also help you and your partner see a "side" of each other that you've never seen before—and that can reinvigorate your passion for each other. For example, if you've never seen your partner's competitive side before, you'll see them in a new light if you watch them play on a rec league soccer team.