How to Be a Loner in High School

Co-authored by Alicia Oglesby

Last Updated: March 23, 2023 References

Loners are subjected to a great deal of negative stereotyping. However, many loners are perfectly healthy people who simply prefer to spend their time alone. If you would like to be a loner in high school, you will need to minimize your conversations with your peers. Try to find spaces where you can spend some private time recharging. Embrace your own individual style and ignore the opinions of others. Most importantly, stick with the loner lifestyle just for as long as it makes you happy.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Dealing with Social Interactions as a Loner

1
Keep conversations brief. If someone begins to talk to you, try to keep your answers short and to the point. Providing very little information or encouragement will let them know that you are not interested in a long chat. However, do listen carefully in case they say something of importance to you.^{[1]
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- Avoiding eye contact will make your classmates less likely to approach you for conversation. Instead of looking directly at one person, try to skim the room with your eyes.
- Being a loner doesn’t mean that you can’t provide a reaction to what someone says to you. If a person is talking and you feel like offering your sympathy, do so. In fact, introverts are often known for their emotional awareness.
- Noncommittal responses such as, “Uh-huh,” and, “Mm-hm,” often signal to other people that you are not engaged in the conversation. This will usually lead to a talk being cut short.
2
Head directly to the bus after school. Instead of hanging around in the hallways or outside of the school to socialize, make your way to your ride home. The sooner that you get home, the sooner you can recharge in peace and privacy. If you take this same action every day it will become a routine and your classmates will know what to expect.^{[2]
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- You may want to time your arrival at the bus carefully, otherwise you could end up sitting and waiting for it to fill up.
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3
Use technology as a distraction. Cell phones are generally not allowed in the classroom. However, you may be able to bring your headphones and wear them in the cafeteria and other public spaces. You can also use your phone in permitted areas. Getting on a library computer also sends a message that you want your space.^{[3]
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- Just make sure that you are still aware of your surroundings as you immerse yourself in technology. For example, watch where you are walking as you make your way around campus.
4
Stay away from crowded areas. Find a place to sit away from others in the cafeteria. Try to walk on the edges of the hallway away from where people are congregating. Don’t hang around in the classroom immediately after class. The fewer people you encounter, the fewer random conversations and forced social interactions you will have.^{[4]
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- It is a common misconception that all loners are shy. Many loners are perfectly fine in social situations, they just prefer to avoid them if possible. Loners can often be classified as introverts at heart.
5
Find a private space of your own. Get to know your school environment and look for a few places that you can escape to during the day for some privacy and solitude. This is especially important to do if you find your classroom time to be mentally draining. Escaping in this way shows that you are a loner by choice, not by circumstance.^{[5]
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- If one of your fellow students questions you about your habit of disappearing, simply tell them that sometimes you prefer to be alone.^{[6]
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- Look for places currently not in use, such as the school theater or empty classrooms.
6
Avoid major social events. Instead of attending the seasonal dance with a large group, go by yourself or not at all. You could always spend that time pursuing a hobby that you enjoy, such as painting. If you attend a function requiring tickets, purchase the seats around you to ensure your solitude.^{[7]
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- If someone makes a big deal about you not going to a particular event, just remind yourself that your peers are busy with their own lives, so everything will blow over rather quickly.
7
Locate one or two trusted confidantes. This is not a necessity, as it may make you feel like less of a ‘true’ loner. However, everyone needs help on occasion and having a few classmates you can turn to for assistance is never a bad idea. Just remember to return any favors as soon as possible so that you don’t feel indebted to anyone.
- Just because you are a loner in high school doesn’t mean that you can’t have friends or a social life outside of that space either. If you have a best friend from childhood, who goes to a different school, look to that person for support.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Developing Your Own Personality as a Loner

1
Stick with your own fashion style. Don’t feel the need to follow all of the latest trends. Embrace your own unique appearance and work to refine it over time. Wear clothes that suit your personality and mood. Being comfortable in your own skin will give you more confidence in all of your choices, including being a loner.^{[8]
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- Most people are aware of the stereotype of the trench coat wearing, troubled loner teen. If you choose to dress this way do so because you enjoy it, not to conform to some image.
2
Stay polite. No matter how frustrated you become with other people attempting to reach out to you, avoid the desire to head into rude territory. Stay true to your morals and give them minimal time, but not an abrupt brush-off. Most people are extroverts and have no clue how to interpret your loner signals.^{[9]
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- Some polite ways to exit a conversation include saying, “Okay, well, I have to make my next class,” or, “I’ve got to go now or I’ll be late.”
3
Develop some individual hobbies. Being a loner doesn’t mean you can’t be interesting. In fact, many loners become recognized artists due to their abilities to channel their inner energies outward. Investigate learning a musical instrument on your own. Or, try your hand at another artistic pursuit, such as writing or painting.
- One of the reasons that Bruce Springsteen started playing music was to find an outlet for his feelings as a high school loner. Just because you are a loner doesn’t mean you are alone in your experiences.^{[10]
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- It is also possible that you gravitate toward being a loner because you hold potential friends to higher creative standards as a result of your own artistic impulses. Being aware of this can help you to reassess your expectations of others, if you desire.
4
Be confident. Try your best to not care about the opinions of others, including those of your peers. Focus on your own inner strength and take actions that make you feel comfortable, not the ones that will make you ‘fit in.’ Part of being a confident person is not accepting bullying. Don’t allow anyone to victimize you for your loner status.^{[11]
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5
Choose a few loner idols or mentors. Search online for the stories of other loners. You will find that many celebrities self-identify as former, or current, loners. Your research will show you that, for most loners, there is nothing unhealthy or unnatural about this affinity. You simply crave privacy.^{[12]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Being Aware of Potential Problems as a Loner

1
Be a survivor. Be aware that your loner status may make you a target for ridicule in your present, or future, life. So, it is important to be flexible and to adapt to your situation the best that you can. Perhaps you need to wait until the end of the day to get alone time. If that is the case, then so be it. Perhaps you have to discuss your work in a group project setting. If that is the case, then so be it.^{[13]
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2
Change your behaviors if you are lonely. Practice introspection on a daily basis and ask yourself if being a loner is making you happy. If the answer is yes, then continue as is. If the answer is no, then start to open yourself up a bit more to social experiences while in high school. Pay attention to any feelings of loneliness, in particular. Your decision to be a loner can be reversed, if you choose to do so.
- Loneliness actually leads to the build-up of stress within your body. Over time it can cause a host of health problems if it is not addressed.^{[14]
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3
Watch out for the stereotypes. Humans usually reach out for social interaction, so, as a loner, you may be the focus of other’s curiosity or fear. In particular, as a result of some of the violent acts committed by self-described loners in school environments, some of your classmates may attach negative stereotypes to your choice. Try to alleviate their concerns by being polite and engaged, just busy with other concerns.^{[15]
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4
Don’t give in to peer pressure. Some of your peers may try to ply you with alcohol or drugs in order to get you back into the social group. Be prepared for this and feel confident in your refusal. Others may assume that you are interested in these illicit activities simply because you are a loner. Brush these advances off as well.
- If you are offered drugs or alcohol, you might simply say, “Sorry, I’m not into that.”
5
Talk to the school counselor. If you feel as if your emotions are bottled up as a result of your loner status, reach out to professionals at your school. They will keep these conversations confidential and you can unload what is on your mind. Be aware that you can also visit with your counselor to discuss how happy you are as a loner.^{[16]
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- If you are satisfied with your life as a loner, your counselor may be able to offer suggestions regarding future career options that will suit your personality. Many loners find satisfying work as writers or completing other solitary pursuits.^{[17]
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6
Talk to your parents. Your parents may be concerned about your life as a loner, especially if they are both extroverts. Spend time talking with them and let them know that you are okay and happy. If you are unhappy, you can also reach out to your parents for assistance and ask for their advice.^{[18]
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7
Talk to a medical professional. If you feel like hurting yourself or others, you should talk to your parents or school professionals and get them to make you a counseling appointment outside of the school environment. It is important that you don’t keep these feelings bottled up. There are ways to improve your situation, but you have to go against your natural instincts and reach out to others.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it bad to be a loner?

Alicia Oglesby
Professional School Counselor
Alicia Oglesby is a Professional School Counselor and the Director of School and College Counseling at Bishop McNamara High School outside of Washington DC. With over ten years of experience in counseling, Alicia specializes in academic advising, social-emotional skills, and career counseling. Alicia holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and a Master’s in Clinical Counseling and Applied Psychology from Chestnut Hill College. She also studied Race and Mental Health at Virginia Tech. Alicia holds Professional School Counseling Certifications in both Washington DC and Pennsylvania. She has created a college counseling program in its entirety and developed five programs focused on application workshops, parent information workshops, essay writing collaborative, peer-reviewed application activities, and financial aid literacy events.

Alicia Oglesby

Professional School Counselor

Expert Answer

No, being a loner is okay. There are many reasons why someone may prefer to keep to themselves. However, if the reasons are related to trauma, you may want to see a counselor ongoing. Living in response to harm caused can stifle your ability to connect in healthy ways.
Question

What if a teacher always chooses you to read aloud in class?

Community Answer

There is a good possibility that your teacher is simply trying to 'pull you out of your shell' and get you to engage in the class discussion. Most likely they mean nothing harmful by it, but are curious about your opinions. To take back a bit of control, try volunteering to speak more often on your own terms. Raise your hand with an educated guess more frequently. Your teacher may notice this and lessen the amount of attention that they place on you.
Question

I am not a loner, but I am sick of the manipulative people in my current circle of friends. How do I remove myself from this group?

Community Answer

Your best bet is to be super busy on your own. Try to add some distance from the toxic people, in particular, by making yourself unavailable to hang out with them. If you do go out or socialize with the larger group, spend your time talking with the positive, supportive persons. Don't ignore the others, just don't go out of your way to spend time with them.

Warnings

Being a loner doesn’t mean that you should perform poorly at school. Make sure that you raise your hand and keep an eye on your class participation scores. Approach group work with a good attitude when it is assigned.

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If you ever feel violent or overly negative toward yourself or others, do not hesitate to reach out for professional medical assistance.

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