How to Be Confident Around Girls if You're Shy

Co-authored by Joshua Pompey

Last Updated: May 3, 2022 References Approved

Feeling confident around girls is something many guys struggle with, but it doesn’t mean you are destined to a lifetime of loneliness. Being shy creates a reluctance to engage socially for fear of becoming embarrassed. Overcoming shyness is about putting your focus and energy outward during a conversation with a girl. If you work to control your feelings of shyness, and then take steps to build your confidence, you can be the life of the party. ^{[1]
X
Research source}

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Overcoming Shyness

1
Understand what it means to be shy. Characteristics of being shy can be manifested in different ways under different circumstances for each individual. Knowing what situations cause your feelings of shyness can help you address the symptoms of shyness when they occur: ^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Being hesitant to speak up in social situations
- Mumbling or talking softly
- Avoiding social gatherings
- Being overly talkative due to nervousness.
2
Recognize what situations make you feel shy. Understanding that almost everyone feels shy at some point can help you overcome your own feelings of shyness. It is natural to be nervous under uncertain circumstances. When you can mentally prepare for a situation it is less likely to make you nervous and shy because you know what to expect. Plan ahead and you’ll be ready to take on challenges as they are no longer unknowns. ^{[3]
X
Research source}

Advertisement
3
Change your internal monologue. If you are constantly saying negative things about yourself in your head, then you will have an extremely hard time ever feeling confident. Even though it isn’t true, telling yourself phrases like “I’m just socially awkward” or “Nobody will ever like me, I’m too weird” will make you believe you are not worthy of attention from a girl. Instead create a mantra that builds you up: ^{[4]
X
Research source}
- “I’m awesome!”
- “I like talking to everyone!”
- “I am going to meet new people today.”
4
Avoid over-analyzing what people are saying. Many times shyness is a result of perceived perceptions^{[5]
X
Research source}. People think that others see them a certain way and make that their reality, when in fact, no one is having the thoughts you believe they are. Take people for their word and don’t worry about what someone might be thinking.
5
Focus your attention on the people you’re talking to. Instead of centering the conversation around you, talk to and about other people. Avoid starting sentences with “I” and talk about the other person’s interests instead. If you’re not thinking about yourself, it is less likely you will find yourself feeling shy! ^{[6]
X
Research source}
6
Have a good time! When you are happy and enjoying yourself it is much less likely that you will feel shy. Let yourself have fun and don’t be afraid to relax.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Becoming Self-Confident

1
Dress to impress. It is important that you feel good about your clothing and style to present yourself in the best light. It doesn’t matter what you wear as long as it feels good to you. There is no one style that says “I’m confident,” but if you believe that you wear it well, you will!^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Joshua Pompey
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.}
2
Educate yourself on topics you’re interested in. Being able to discuss a topic in detail will give you the confidence to begin a conversation with many different people. Learn more than just the headlines of a news story and you can discuss the details with several groups of individuals. ^{[8]
X
Research source}
3
Make eye contact when speaking to someone. Communication is about so much more than words. Sometimes what we say is less important than how we say it. Make sure that you are letting the people you talk to know you care about them by connecting with them visually throughout your conversation. ^{[9]
X
Research source}
4
Set easy goals for yourself and complete them. Start off by making a point to say “Hi” to a girl you want to talk to. Open the door for future conversations by taking small steps. Don’t expect to be the head cheerleader’s best friend if you’ve never talked to her before. You need to build up confidence by introducing yourself to lots of people to get comfortable talking to lots of girls.^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Joshua Pompey
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.}
5
Practice talking in the mirror. Watch your facial expressions and think about what responses you would have in a particular conversation. Knowing what you might say can help you prepare for a great conversation. Just a simple smile at yourself each day can do wonders for your self esteem!

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Using Shyness to Your Advantage

1
Be honest about your shyness. When you introduce yourself to a girl, let her know that you are trying to overcome being shy. Many girls find guys who are shy extremely attractive. Let your shyness be a way in and not something that keeps you out^{[11]
X
Research source}. Try one of these opening lines:
- "There's so many people here, it's hard to find someone to talk to because I'm kinda shy."
- "Can I sit with you, I'm shy and just need a quiet place to relax."
- "I'm terrible at meeting new people, can we pretend we know each other so it isn't so awkward?"
2
Make a joke about being shy. When you are having a conversation use the fact that you are shy as a way to poke fun at yourself. ^{[12]
X
Research source}
- "Being shy always makes me feel small, do I look little to you?
- "I would tell you a joke, but I'm too shy and always mess up the punch lines"
- "If I weren't shy it would be a lot easier to find out what you like"
3
Bring a friend to be your wingman. Sometimes having a friend by your side can make it much easier to approach a girl. Ask a friend you trust to help introduce you to new people and start conversations.
4
Live in the moment. Don't worry about what might happen in the future of your conversation; focus on the here and now. It is easier for the conversation to flow if you are concentrating on the current topic and not planning the future. ^{[13]
X
Research source}

Expert Q&A

Question

Why am I shy to talk to a girl?

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert with over 10 years of helping people navigate the online dating world. Joshua has run his own relationship consulting business since 2009 at a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.

Joshua Pompey

Relationship Expert

Expert Answer

Probably it is the lack of confidence. On one hand, you cannot act confident unless you feel confident, so try to do something that makes you feel more attractive, like getting new clothes or haircut. On the other hand, you can't be confident around women unless you have practice in that area, so try to practice conversations with random people, and once you get comfortable talking to strangers, the act of talking to women will slowly start to feel natural