How to Avoid Making Enemies

Last Updated: November 24, 2022 References

Relationships at work, school or in your personal life can go bad. Disagreements can spiral out into lasting antagonism or some people may simply determine that they dislike something about you. Everyone inevitably experiences one of these unpleasant relationships at some point in their lives and they can be draining. However, you don’t have to let them turn into full-blown enmity. By confronting the unpleasantness and being proactive about building positive relationships, you can do your best to avoid making enemies.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Building Positive Relationships

1
Demonstrate interest in others. People often go through life without considering how their demeanor will appear to or affect others.^{[1]
X
Research source} Go out of your way to show people that you see them as your equal and care about them.
- Ask a lot of questions when you meet new people and use eye contact to show that you’re engaged.
- Express to people that you’re impressed with their achievements and skills.
2
Encourage people to express their opinions and ideas. This will demonstrate that you value their intelligence and insight.
- Bring up subjects of interest and ask what they think about them. While you will be controlling the conversation, you will also be demonstrating that you value what they have to say.
Advertisement
3
Exude kindness. Kindness is the best way to disarm people that may not like you and set a civilized tone for disagreements. Studies show that kindness is one of the most powerful tools of persuasion.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Be polite no matter what, especially during disagreements.
- Be aware of common, unintentionally rude behavior. For example, don’t talk over people and don’t patronize or talk down to them.
- Give a lot of compliments when breaking the ice or experiencing a lull in a conversation. If you like someone’s clothing or find them interesting or intelligent, express that.
- Consider your body language during conversations. Smiling and maintaining eye contact will express kindness and positivity to those around you.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
4
Manage your boundaries. It’s just as important for your emotional intelligence to understand what causes you to feel upset and disagreeable as it is to understand what causes this for others.^{[4]
X
Research source} A lot of poor personal relationships stem from mismatched expectations and a failure to honestly articulate them.
- If you feel that someone is overly familiar or makes you uncomfortable with their behavior, express this in a forthright and polite manner. Avoid the temptation to simply ignore them or send non-verbal signals because they can be easily misinterpreted or overlooked.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
- If you feel someone is patronizing towards you, politely tell them you appreciate their explanation while also signaling that you have your own knowledge on the subject.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Defusing Confrontations

1
Suggest a break. Before you can deal with a disagreement or confrontation in a productive way, you need to diffuse emotions that can serve as a distraction. People will often feel anger and anxiety during confrontations which harms their ability to reason and consider the consequences of what they say.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- If you notice that someone is particularly angry with you, suggest that you take a few moments to be apart and set a time to get back together to discuss your issues.
- Say something like “I think we should take some time to cool off before we discuss this further.”
- Take some time away from the confrontation and think about something completely unrelated that makes you happy. Imagine yourself on a beach or practice a hobby. By the time you come back to your issue, you’ll have a more positive perspective.
2
Keep your cool. You’ll never be able to completely control how other people feel about you but you can control your reactions. By maintaining your composure, a conflict is less likely to escalate and will have a less detrimental effect on you.^{[7]
X
Research source} You may also find that you make better and less emotional decisions when you’re composed.
- Taking a deep breath or counting to ten are great ways to calm yourself and remove the reactive emotions that can be detrimental.
- Take as much time as you need, even if that means days or weeks.
3
Understand their perspective. It can be very difficult to relate to someone you’re actively disagreeing with. Take a moment to place yourself in their shoes and try your best to understand why they feel the way they do.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Even if you don’t agree with them, empathizing with their position will demonstrate humility and respect on your part. This will reduce the risk of a single confrontation turning into a sustained enmity.
- It may even help to ask them to explain their perspective. Say something like “I’m trying to understand your side of this.” It’s important to remain calm and practice active listening so they feel you truly respect their perspective.
- You may also want or need your position acknowledged. Understanding their perspective does not excuse them from understanding yours. Let them know if you feel like the don't understand where you're coming from, and offer to explain your stance, too.
4
Avoid defensiveness. It’s easy to get caught up in a disagreement and feel like you have to stubbornly fight for your side of an argument.
- Try saving your disagreements for a second conversation. This will allow the other person an opportunity to express their frustrations without interruption or the risk of escalation.^{[9]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Harvard Business Review
  Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
  Go to source}
- Try to genuinely reflect on criticism and look for the truth in feedback. Even if your initial impulse is to dismiss this criticism, taking a moment to consider it will prevent you from reacting defensively.
- Try giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and assume their criticism is valid.
5
Seek outside perspectives and mediation. A great way to get perspective on a conflict is to ask a friend or a neutral party to hear out both sides and weigh in. You and the person you are in conflict with are both more likely to remain civilized and constructive with a third party present.
- If the relationship in question is significant or important to you, you may want to consider enlisting the help of a therapist to seek a mutual resolution.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dealing with People that Dislike You

1
Maintain a constructive focus. Sometimes you can’t control whether or not other people like you and you simply have to manage the situation and keep it from getting worse. If you develop an unpleasant relationship that can’t be avoided, stay focused on what matters whether it’s work, a school project or common interests. Use these subjects to prevent the bickering and unpleasantness from cropping up.
- Try initiating a conversation about a subject that has nothing to do with your conflict. You may find that other subjects will reestablish the more agreeable aspects of your relationship and create a more positive focus when you return to the conflicted subject.
- It may help to clear the air so the other person understands you’re refocusing on more constructive subjects. Say something like “I know you’re upset with me but I think we should stay focused on what’s most important.”
2
Start an honest conversation about your differences. If you don’t understand why someone dislikes you, ask them politely and directly. You may find that the problems are simply based on miscommunication and all you needed was to clear the air.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Say something like “I would like to better understand your concerns and ensure that you better understand mine.”
- It might help to do this in a public place where they are less likely to react with extreme emotions.
3
Learn to forgive. Even if you’ve been wronged, holding onto your frustration will not be helpful. Hurt feelings can often lead to problems in future confrontations so deal with your emotions first. Forgiveness will reduce your anxiety associated with the situation and help you move on.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting. If problematic behavior is repeated, your relationship might just be toxic and worth severing.
- It might be difficult to forgive in a situation where there has been no acknowledgement or apology. That does not mean that you should hold grudges, though.
4
Initiate reconciliation. Tense relationships often fester because neither party is willing to step up and make things better. You may find that this person was just waiting for an opportunity to make things better.
- Ask “What can we do to get past our problems?” Invite them to get their grievances off their chest.
5
Avoid them. Not all relationships can be fixed or even ameliorated. Hostility and conflict aren’t good for anyone and if they become inevitable, the best thing to do is create space.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Say something like “I don’t think our relationship is good for either one of us. We should take some time apart or just avoid each other.”
- Depending upon the situation, you may want to inform a few close friends that you are taking time apart from that person to avoid a potentially difficult situation.