How to Avoid Getting Discouraged

Co-authored by Amy Wong

Last Updated: February 9, 2023 References

Disappointment is a normal part of life that everyone experiences. However, you do not have to feel discouraged in the face of setbacks. Developing a positive attitude, and reacting proactively when you face a challenge, can make you resistant to discouragement. See disappointment as an opportunity to recharge and refocus instead of a reason to feel bad. With some hard work and self awareness, you can foster a healthy, positive mentality.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Thinking Positive

1
Take responsibility for your attitude. You cannot avoid disappointments and setbacks. They are a part of life. However, you can learn to control your attitude. The first step to positive thinking is taking responsibility for how you feel.^{[1]
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- Discouragement is easy to feel. There is much in life over which you have little control. While circumstances are frequently beyond your control, you can control your response.
- Take full responsibility to your attitude. Each time you feel inclined to respond to a setback, remember that feeling discouraged is up to you. You can choose to avoid this feeling.
- Oftentimes, if you're scared of negative emotions, you're actually scared of something deeper beneath those emotions. For example, if you're afraid of success, you might really be afraid of having people expect more of you in the future.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Amy Wong
  Leadership & Transformational Coach
  Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.}
2
Identify times when you get discouraged. It's important to identify triggers for discouragement. Think about times in your life where you frequently feel discouraged. You can target one area at a time as you work on changing your thought patterns.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- It's normal to feel confident about some things, while insecure about others. You may be more prone to feeling discouraged about certain aspects of your life.
- For example, you may feel discouraged about your job, your friendships, your romantic relationship, and so on. Think about the moments where you tend to feel discouraged. Moving forward, you can focus on being more aware of your thoughts when you encounter discouragement.
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3
Alter discouraging thoughts throughout the day. You need to be aware of your thinking. If you're prone to feeling discouraged, you may have knee-jerk responses throughout the day. Work on watching out for negative thoughts. When you find yourself thinking negatively, take a step back and try to reassess the situation.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Be deliberate about changing the focus of your thoughts to the positive aspects of your situation. Think about all the experiences you've learned and grown from that seemed negative at the time, and remind yourself that the same is likely to happen in these instances too.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Amy Wong
  Leadership & Transformational Coach
  Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.}
- You may find your thoughts are mainly negative. For example, you get an e-mail from your boss asking you to redo a report. You may think something like, "I can't believe I screwed that up. I'm such a bad employee." You may start to feel discouraged at this point.
- This is a thought pattern you could try to change. How can you put a healthier, more upbeat spin on this? Maybe instead you could think something like, "I'm glad I got this feedback. This is an opportunity to grow and change."
4
Engage in positive self talk. Throughout your day, try to say nice things to yourself. Avoid saying anything to yourself you would not say to another person. If you engage in a lot of negative thoughts about yourself, you will be more prone to feeling discouraged.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Evaluate any negatives thoughts that enter your mind. Ask yourself whether they're rational or fair.
- If you find yourself thinking negatively, try saying positive things about yourself instead. List your best qualities and things you're grateful for. This will make you a happier person, and you will be less prone to feeling disappointed.
5
Develop an internal focus of control. Feeling like you are in control of your environment and that you can change the outcome of your situation may help you to stay positive.^{[7]
X
Research source} Try to develop your sense of control to avoid becoming discouraged when something does not go your way.
- Try making a list of everything that you can control. You might include in this list things like where you work, where you live, the people you spend your time around, and the way you spend your spare time.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Responding to Discouragement Proactively

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Look at the big picture. Disappointment is normal and happens to everyone at times. If you can't see beyond the present moment, you may be inclined to become discouraged. However, you don't have to get stuck in disappointment. Instead, pause and look at the big picture.
- Think about how this event will play into the larger narrative of your life. While it may look bad now, there is so much more to come. Maybe, in the long run, this setback will have been a good thing.
- Reflect on what you can learn. Take a step back and look at how you go about things. Maybe this setback is indicative of negative patterns you tend to engage in. Instead of feeling stung by it, see as an opportunity for personal growth.
- If you feel overwhelmed when thinking of the big picture, try meditating. This can help you develop your ability to better react and respond to the stuff of life.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Amy Wong
  Leadership & Transformational Coach
  Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.}
2
Take action. Just after a setback, do something small that feels productive. Even a small bit of action can make you feel like you're bouncing back from negativity. This will replace feelings of discouragement with feelings of forward motion.^{[9]
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- Think about what you could stand to knock off your to-do list. Maybe you've been meaning to do renovations on your personal website. Maybe you need to email back a client. Do something productive.
- Forward motion can help. Even a small task can help you feel like you're bouncing back from a setback and moving forward.
3
Redefine the meaning of failure. If you want to resist discouragement, consider how you define failure. If your definitions of success and failure are too rigid, you may be prone to feeling discouraged after a setback. Stop thinking of a perceived failure as inherently negative. This can help you feel invigorated, rather than discouraged, when things don't go your way.^{[10]
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- Everyone fails at some point in life. Everyone has screwed something up at work, lost a job, missed out on a promotion, and faced other failures. It is normal, and even inevitable, to fail.
- Take failure as a chance to reevaluate. Do not see it as inherently negative. Think of it as a necessary stepping stone to progress. Ask yourself what you could have done better, and think about how to work to assure success in the future.
- If you think of failures as opportunities to reevaluate and recharge, you will be less prone to feeling discouraged.
4
Focus on your work. Discouragement can often come up due to a heavy focus on outcomes. While it's great to work with a goal in mind, try to shift your primary focus on the process. If you're always working on something meaningful to you, you're less likely to feel discouraged. You'll always be occupied with a worthwhile task, even if things don't always go your way.^{[11]
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- Think about the work you engage in each day. Is it meaningful to you? Does it make you happy? Think about how and why you feel fulfilled. Focus on what you need to do, day in day out, and try to give your work your all.
- If you learn to value your work, any outcomes will give you a sense of accomplishment. Even outcomes and successes that are not your ideal will feel meaningful. This can help you experience less disappointment.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Developing Resiliency

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Develop your problem solving skills. Being able to solve problems in a methodical way will help you to be a more resilient person. If you can apply a problem solving strategy when something does not go your way, then you may find it easier to deal with the problem in an effective way. Some good strategies to sue when you are facing a problem include:^{[12]
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- Making sure that you understand the problem. For example, if you are having an issue at work, then take some time to think about the specifics of the problem. Are you feeling discouraged because your efforts are not noticed? Are you feeling discouraged because you have not had a raise in a long time? Try writing down exactly what is bothering you.
- Searching for appropriate solutions. Then, try to identify some solutions that may help. For example, if you are discouraged about not having had a raise in a long time, then you might decide to talk with your boss and request a raise. You could even plan out what you might say to him or her and set up a meeting.
- Carrying out a plan to achieve a solution. Follow through with the solution you have chosen. For example, if you have decided that you need to ask your boss for a raise, then make sure that you do so.
- Reflecting on your work and asking how it could be better. After you have carried out your plan, reflect on how well your strategy worked. For example, did you get the raise? If not, then what might have gone wrong? What could you do differently next time?
2
Embrace change. Resiliency can help you become resistant to discouragement. People who are resilient bounce back quickly from setbacks and hardships. To be resilient, try to embrace change.^{[13]
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- Change is a natural part of life, and not all change is bad. People who are resilient accept change and try to adapt quickly.
- This can help how you see disappointment. A change in a relationship is part of the natural progression of a relationship, and not necessarily something bad. A change in your work situation may result in you liking your job anymore. You do not need to be discouraged by change, as it's not always a bad thing.
3
Expect a lot from yourself. You want to have big dreams and aspirations. Very successful people tend to overshoot a lot. If you don't feel like your goals a little intense and unreasonable, you may be aiming too low.^{[14]
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- Believe that your abilities can help you achieve your goals. Try to go into each day thinking that you're smart, capable, and ready to achieve success.
- This will rub off on other people and help your achieve resiliency. If you think highly of yourself and your abilities, one failure will not bother you much. You will feel prepared to come back stronger the next day.
4
Manage stress. Stress management can help you develop resiliency. It can also improve your overall attitude, making you less likely to feel discouraged. Take steps to reduce the overall stress in your life.^{[15]
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Research source}^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Find ways to cope when you feel stressed. Look into relaxation techniques, like visualization or yoga, to reduce stress. You can find guided techniques online, or look into taking a class.
- Identify causes of stress and find ways to better deal with them. For example, maybe driving to work causes a lot of stress. Maybe you could take public transportation, walk, or bike instead.
- Seek support from others. If you're having a stressful day, talk things over with family members and friends.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I stop feeling discouraged and joyless at work?

Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Leadership & Transformational Coach

Expert Answer
Question

What should I tell myself when I'm feeling discouraged?

Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Leadership & Transformational Coach

Expert Answer

Think about what you'd rather be feeling, then focus on how you can get to that desired feeling state. For instance, if you're feeling joyless at work then you can try doing more projects that make you feel accomplished and get you more appreciation.