How to Approach Women in Bars

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: November 5, 2022 References

Approaching women at the bar can be one of the most anxiety inducing things a person can do. Fear of rejection and the potential for humiliation is an overwhelming thought for many people. However, by following specific steps and techniques, you can build your self esteem and begin to approach women at bars with confidence.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Starting Up a Conversation With a Woman

1
Make eye contact with the girl you want to talk to. A great way to let someone know that you’re interested in them is by making eye contact with them. ^{[1]
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Research source} Make sure not to stare for a long period of time, or it may come off as creepy. She may not notice you the first time around, but don’t get discouraged. Make sure you’re in her view, and try to catch her when she’s looking in your direction.
- If a girl makes eye contact with you but her face remains rigid, confused, disgusted, or expressionless, there’s a good chance she’s not the one to approach.
- If a girl makes eye contact with more than 2 or 3 times in a row, there’s a good chance she’s interested in you.^{[2]
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- You could also wave to her from across the room.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- Research shows that those who are in love tend to stare into each other's eyes for longer periods of time.^{[4]
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2
Smile, and see if she smiles back. All smiles are not created equal. The kind of smile you’re looking for is a genuine smile that uses the muscles in her eyes and her mouth, otherwise known as a Duchenne smile. ^{[5]
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Research source} Some women just smile at others to seem non-threatening or polite, not as an invitation to talk.
- People smile more often when they see someone they find attractive.^{[6]
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- Smiling will also make you more approachable.^{[7]
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3
Read her body language. Are her arms crossed, is she avoiding eye contact, or pointing away from you? These are all signs that she is not interested.^{[8]
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Research source} A woman who is interested in engaging you will often have a straighter posture, with her knees pointed in your direction.
- If the girl preens or touches her hair, this is also a sign that she’s into you.^{[9]
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4
Walk up to her in a non-threatening manner and introduce yourself. Never approach a girl from behind or engage in physical contact when you don’t know her. This can disgust them, and ruin your chances of talking to them for the rest of the night. Instead, approach her so she can see you, and maintain a smile as you walk up to her.
- Do not walk directly towards her like you have a mission. Instead walk in her direction, but make approaching her seem natural and not forced.
- Things to say include, “Hi,” “Hey,” “Are you having fun?,” or “I saw you at the other end of the bar.”
- You do not need an elaborate pick-up line, and some girls even find them corny.
- You could say something fun, like "I come here for the world's greatest vibes. What brings you here?"^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- Try cracking a joke! You could say, "I love your dress! I was actually going to wear that same dress tonight too, but that would've been awkward."^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
5
Ask her if she’ll let you buy her her favorite drink. A good excuse to begin a conversation is to talk over drinks. It’s also a friendly gesture that she will appreciate. Always make sure to ask her what kind of drink she wants before buying one.
- If she refuses and seems uncomfortable, you should walk away.
- If the girl takes the drink but then doesn’t seem interested in talking, you need to accept that. Not all girls want to talk.
6
Sit next to her and try to find common interests. Take a seat next to her if she accepts the drink and it seems like she wants to talk. Try to find common interests. You can pull from your surroundings like the city and town you’re in, the bar you’re patronizing, or a local sports team. Try to figure out the type of person she is, and talk about what she’s interested in.
7
Practice the technique wherever you go. Practicing these techniques outside of a bar or club situation is ideal because it will acclimate you to doing it in low-stress situations. Try out this method at the grocery store, shopping mall, or in school in order to meet new friends.
- Trying it out in a low-stress situation to a woman that you aren't interested in will allow you to practice without fearing rejection.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Approaching a Woman Out With Friends

1
Introduce yourself to the group of girls. If you see that a group of girls are out together, it’s important that you recognize all of them and treat them equally. Even if you only like one girl in the group, ignoring or dismissing her friends will often make them angry at you or make you seem like a jerk.
- It's okay to change who you target if you meet someone more interesting or attractive that's in the group. Just make sure that you aren't sending signals to more than one girl or problems may arise.
- Some good opening lines include, “Hey girls, how’s everything going tonight?" or "Are you all having fun?”
- Another good way to open, is to ask them their opinions on a relevant topic that you have debated with a friend. Examples include “Me and my friend were debating over whether the new Kanye album was as good as his old stuff. What do you girls think?" or "My buddy thinks that vodka is the best liquor, but I think whiskey is. What do you girls think?”
- Shaking hands is a good way to make physical contact with new girls that you meet, but some may even be receptive to hugging. If they go for the hug, reciprocate it.
- You could make a joke and say, "My friend thought you guys looked mean, and said that I shouldn't say hi. But you know what? I think I'm gonna say hi."^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- "Settle a bet for me and my friend" is another great way to start a conversation. Then, you can make up just about anything to get her to engage.^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
2
Be the life of the party and buy her and her friends drinks. If you can make a good impression on her friends, it will make you look a lot better to the girl that you have your eyes on. Also, in some circles it is considered tacky to buy one girl a drink but then ignore her friends.^{[14]
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- If you don’t have enough money to buy everyone drinks, you can offer to buy them songs on the jukebox.
- Refrain from being mean to any of her friends.
3
Remember to pay special attention to her, but don’t isolate her. As much as you want to engage her friends and keep them happy, you also don’t want her to start thinking you’re not interested in her. Try to go out of your way to pay her special attention, but never do it in an aggressive way.
- When you are talking to her friends, make sure to compliment her, specifically, in a non-sexual way.
- If there is a lull in the conversation, or people break off into individual groups, take your chance to speak with her one on one.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Building Up Confidence and Keeping it Natural

1
Expect only to have a fun night out. For those that suffer from social anxiety, it might be therapeutic to meet new people. However, expectations can create additional stress because you’re striving for an expected outcome. ^{[15]
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Research source} Instead of ruminating on the things you need to do when you go out, try to stay loose and have fun. Concentrate on your own happiness, not approaching women.
- For some people, hyper-social situations like bars or clubs overwhelm them. If you are like this, then try joining a hiking group or a local sports club before diving into the bar scene.
- Never expect to get intimate when going out and meeting girls.
2
Don’t take rejection hard and don't get discouraged. Not everyone will want to talk to you, and that’s a reality that you need to embrace. Extenuating circumstances like an existing significant other, may cause the woman to not want to speak with you.^{[16]
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- You must also realize that rejection is typically not a reflection of who you are as a person.^{[17]
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3
Feel confident that being yourself is good enough. Even though it’s tempting to pretend, women can pick up on whether someone is genuine or confident. Don’t try to compensate for your personality by talking about things that aren’t true, and be confident in who you are, whether it’s positive or negative.
- Having positive thinking and keeping a positive self image will help you build confidence. If you don’t think you’re a great person, just think about all the things that you’ve done to bring happiness to other people.
- Breathing slower and relaxing your neck and shoulder muscles can also help you with your confidence.^{[18]
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4
Don't force things or feel defeated. There will be some nights where no women you approach will be receptive to talking to you. In these cases, don't get desperate and start going for whoever is in front of you. Instead, relax, and realize that you won't be successful every single night.
- Instead of getting upset, go home and do something you really like or get take-out at your favorite restaurant.
- Never insult anyone if you're having a hard time talking to women. This will only make you come off as a jerk, and will likely ruin your chances of talking to a woman for the rest of the night.
5
Don’t go to the bar if you’re broke. If you don’t have the money to spend, you’re not going to feel confident throughout the night and you’re going to be stressed about spending money. If you don’t have the cash, then just figure out another social event you can do that doesn’t require funds.
- You can meet people at the grocery store, park, or school if you have a limited budget.
- Don’t spend your money on the bar if you have responsibilities you’re struggling to maintain like rent or loan payments.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you approach a girl in a restaurant?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Try making a comment about the food. You might say, "I heard these oysters are the best in town. What brings you here?"
Question

How do you flirt without being too much?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Give her plenty of space so she knows that you're not her obligation. People want to connect, but they may not want to feel responsible for the person they're talking to.