X
This article was co-authored by Gera Anderson, PsyD. Dr. Gera Anderson is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with more than five years of experience. She specializes in integrated behavioral health, neuropsychological assessment, and pain management, and has worked in community mental health settings, correctional facilities, psychiatric hospitals, and schools. Dr. Anderson received an MEd from The University of Minnesota, Twin Cities and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University.
There are 14 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 81,222 times.
Whether intentional or not, you might find yourself having to apologize for something you said that was racist. Before making an apology, plan your words so that you can deliver them effectively. When making an apology, be sure to take responsibility for your words. Acknowledge the hurt you caused, express remorse, and make amends.
Things You Should Know
- Try to meet people halfway and see where they’re coming from if they bring up a comment you made. Ask for clarification if you’re confused by why your comment was hurtful.
- Be sincere and genuine when you apologize, and explain that you understand why you were wrong.
- Show remorse for your behavior and acknowledge that you’re taking responsibility.
- Try to learn from this experience; everyone makes mistakes, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 4:
Accepting and Understanding Your Error
-
1Recognize the difference between a racist action and a racist person. Doing or saying one racist thing doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, especially if you react well and make up for it. There's a difference between one or two mistakes and a habit of doing bad things.[1]
- Compare it to tripping other people. If you accidentally trip people on occasion, and then apologize and make sure they're okay, that doesn't make you a bad person. If you trip people on purpose, or refuse to watch where you're going even though you are repeatedly hurting people, that is a reflection on your character.
- Your character is not defined by your mistakes, but how you react to your mistakes.
- If you live in an area where there is racism, you may unintentionally pick up a few racist attitudes. It happens. To help fix it, you can work actively on un-learning and challenging your questionable thoughts and assumptions.
-
2Recognize that it may have taken a lot of courage for the person to come to you. Living in a racist world can be very tough for some people. If they've had a lot of bad experiences, it can be stressful, and they may have a really hard time figuring out how to bring it up with you and how to phrase it well because they don't want to be attacked.
- Compare it to being punched. Imagine if people often punched you in the stomach, sometimes lightly, and sometimes really hard. You would get a bruise there, and it would really hurt. Thus, any time you got punched on that bruise, it might hurt a lot more. People who didn't understand your bruise might think you were over-reacting, because they didn't know you were already hurt. Similarly, people of color might react strongly to racism if they have already been hurt many times.
- This context may help you understand the stress that the other person is experiencing. Keep it in mind, to help you empathize with them.
Advertisement -
3Avoid common logical fallacies about racist comments. Some people try to minimize or make excuses for what they've done. But this makes it worse, not better, because it implies you don't take it seriously. Here are some mistakes to recognize and avoid.
- Good intent doesn't negate bad impact. "I didn't mean anything bad" can be true, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't have to apologize. A caring person apologizes for their mistakes, including total accidents.
- Bystanders can speak up against racism and request an apology. The burden of stopping racism shouldn't only fall on its direct victims. For example, a black person can speak up against anti-Asian racism, and a white person can defend a Latinx friend.[2]
- One person not minding doesn't make it okay. Some people will tell you they don't care if you insult them. That doesn't mean it isn't inappropriate, or that other people shouldn't object.
- Racist jokes don't have funny consequences. Research shows that disparaging jokes shape and reinforce negative attitudes.[3] Prejudiced jokes can make people accept prejudice[4] and may embolden prejudiced people to act in discriminatory ways.[5] "It's just a joke" ignores serious consequences of normalizing racism.
-
4Take accusations seriously. Even if you don't understand why, act with the assumption that the person has a very good reason for saying that they’re offended. Racism isn't something that people take lightly. It's better to be too serious than to blow off someone else's pain.[6]
- If someone points out a racist comment, they aren’t saying, "You're a terrible person" or even, “You’re a racist.” They are telling you that you said something hurtful. Don’t take it personally, but instead, recognize that they’re helping you see your blind spots.
-
5Ask questions. You might wonder what was racist in your words. If so, ask the person. You might have a lot of questions, so ask them one at a time. For example, if you’re unclear, ask, “What did I say that was racist?” You might also wonder, “How was that offensive?” or, “What could I have said instead?”
- Don't push them to explain if they're uncomfortable. While some people are willing to gently guide you through the painful world of racism, it isn't their job, so don't expect it, and express gratitude if they take time for you.
- If the interaction happens online, consider private messaging the person to talk about it further and ask your questions.
-
6Take responsibility for your actions. Own up to what you said and accept any consequences that have (or may) occur. Taking responsibility means admitting that you said something hurtful and that there’s no excuse for it. It means you don’t blame anything or anyone else for what came out of your mouth.[7]
- Taking responsibility often doesn’t feel good, but it’s an important part of admitting your actions and showing that you’re sincere in taking steps to amend what went wrong.
Advertisement
Part 2
Part 2 of 4:
Planning a Sincere Apology
-
1Plan your apology. Choose the circumstances around your apology carefully. For example, don’t casually bring it up in the middle of something or around strangers. Try to apologize in a private way. Choose a good time and a quiet setting that will facilitate the discussion and apology. Pick a time you know the person or people are available and have time to talk. Allow some time for discussion.
- Say, “Is this a good time to talk?” or, “Can we talk tomorrow after class?”[8] If they seem iffy, it may help to tell them that you want to talk to them to apologize.
- You don’t want to feel rushed in your apology, nor do you want the other person or people to feel awkward or uncomfortable.
-
2Decide how to deliver your apology. In most cases, you’ll speak in-person to one person or a group of people. There are certain instances that may warrant a public apology. If you made a racist comment online, for example, you may want to publicly take responsibility and apologize for your comment. Or, if you made a comment in your workplace or classroom, you may want to revisit that space and those people and make amends.
- You may choose to write a letter. If you struggle to say things out loud or have difficulty wording your apology, try a letter (or email). This can help you say what you need to say how you want to say it.
-
3Be sincere in your delivery. What you say should be heartfelt. If you are giggling and not trying to act serious, no one will take you seriously. Make it clear that you are serious about your apology and about racism. Believe that you mean what you say and really mean it.[9]
- For example, you should know why you’re apologizing and why what you said was hurtful before you apologize.
-
4Choose your words thoughtfully. You want to dig yourself out of a hole, not dig it further! Avoid trying to justify why you made your comment (“It was funny at the time”) or making a non-apology: the apology isn’t about how they feel or if they feel bad, it’s about your actions. Avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry if you feel bad” or, “I’m sorry you didn’t understand me.”[10]
- One helpful technique is to use the word and instead of the word but, such as "I'm sorry and I didn't mean it" instead of "I'm sorry but I didn't mean it."
Tip: Don't react yet if you're still too upset to think straight. You don't want to give a sarcastic or lazy apology, like "I'm sorry if you got upset because you're so sensitive." This will only make things worse. Take some time to process first. You can apologize once your head is on straight.
Advertisement
Part 3
Part 3 of 4:
Delivering a Thoughtful Apology
-
1Acknowledge the hurt or foul. Start your apology by admitting responsibility, then acknowledge the hurt your comment caused. Show an understanding of how your words were hurtful and that you understand the pain they caused.[11]
- For example, say, “I thought my comment was funny, but now I see how insensitive it was toward Black people, and I’m horrified I said that” or, “I was so thoughtless to say that, and I realize that I seriously hurt you.”
-
2Show remorse. It’s important to show that you feel bad about what you said. Even if you hurt the person unintentionally, you still can feel remorse for the effects of your racist comment. Remorse can express guilt, shame, embarrassment, or humility.[12]
- "I'm sorry. I heard people using that word, but I didn't know exactly what it meant. I'm horrified that it has such negative connotations, and I would never have used it had I known. I'm truly sorry."
-
3Be specific. Speak specifically about what you did that was wrong. It’s best not to speak in generalities such as, “I’m sorry I said something racist.” Instead, say specifically what you did that was wrong and why it was offensive.[13]
- For example, say, “My comment about Latinos sounded funny to me, but now I see that it was out of line and offensive. I'm going to make time to learn from this mistake.”
-
4Say, “I’m sorry.” It’s important that your apology contains the words “I’m sorry.” Make it clear to the person that you’re making an apology and not trying to make excuses or justify your words. Saying the words, “I’m sorry” makes it clear that you’re making an apology.[14]
- Try to say, “I’m sorry” early on in the apology. Don’t wait until the end of your apology to say that words or else it can be confusing.
- Make sure your apology is genuine and assure them you want to make sure it won’t happen again.
-
5Avoid placing further emotional burdens on the person you apologized to. You may be feeling guilty and rotten inside (which is a sign that you are a good person with a functioning conscience). It is your responsibility to deal with those feelings, and the other person shouldn't have to hand-hold you through them. Focus on their feelings, not your own. You should be comforting them, not the other way around.
- You can mention your bad feelings without expecting the other person to fix them for you. "I feel terrible for hurting you and I'm so sorry" is a decent apology. "I feel terrible, I can't sleep just thinking about it, and I've never felt this bad in my life, and you forgive me right, and..." isn't appropriate.
- If you're struggling to process your feelings, talk to someone who isn't involved in the incident. For example, if you upset your friend from work, maybe you could talk to your mom about it.
Advertisement
Part 4
Part 4 of 4:
Learning from the Experience
-
1Consider their feelings. Listen closely to their response and really consider what they say. Pay attention to their words and feelings and show that you’re listening by nodding occasionally and encouraging them to continue by saying, “I see” or, “Uh huh.” Respond to their words by validating their feelings and empathizing with them.[15] See things from their point-of-view and understand why they feel the way they do.
- For example, say, “I can understand why you feel hurt” or, “I didn’t realize how much my comment affected you.”
-
2Assure them that you'll learn from this and avoid doing it again. Let the other person know that you're committed to doing better in the future. This helps in rebuilding trust and repairing a relationship. It also shows that you’ve learned from the experience and don’t want to hurt others. Just be sure to honor this commitment. [16]
- Say, “This was a painful experience, and I’ll be sure to be more careful with my words in the future.”
- You can also describe steps you're going to take to learn. For example, "I'm going to read some books and blogs about anti-Asian racism to help me understand it better. If you have any recommendations, please feel free to share them."
-
3Make amends. Take your apology one step further by making amends. For example, say, “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?” Think about anything you can do to improve or do better and share this with the person. However, don’t make empty promises or grandiose gestures as a way to relieve your guilt.[17]
- For example, say, “I know this is a blind spot, so I’m signing up for an online class about racial diversity.”
-
4Try reading up on racism to help you understand it better. This can help you be a better friend and help you avoid making similar missteps in the future. Learn more about racism from experts and anti-racist advocates. Understanding and getting comfortable with the topic can help you handle it with grace.
- Try checking out library books about racism and how it works.
- Read personal accounts of how people have been affected by racism. What were they exposed to? How did it feel for them? What did they wish people knew about it?
- There are even videos that make it silly with topics like "If Asian people said the racist things some white people say." These let you both laugh and learn about racism.
-
5Take action on a larger scale. Perhaps this experience has opened your eyes to larger issues about race and you want to get involved in spreading awareness and equality. Join a diversity group at your school, university, or workplace to encourage working together. Get involved politically by raising awareness in your community or signing petitions that promote equality for people of all backgrounds.
- Do what you can to promote awareness and sensitivity. Perhaps you might even stop someone and start a discussion about race after they make an offensive comment.
Advertisement
Community Q&A
-
QuestionI accidentally said something racist and wasn't able to apologize right away. I think they forgot about it. Should I still apologize?
Community AnswerIt would be a good idea to still apologize and let them know you feel bad that you said that/didn't mean it. -
QuestionHow do I apologize to someone over social media if they blocked me?
Community AnswerIf possible, you could try to talk to them in person. If not, you could make a new account just to send them an apology message, but make sure you don't use this account to harass them or disrespect their wishes to cut contact. Just send your apology and nothing else unless they respond with an invitation to continue conversing. -
QuestionI was doing a task at work and used the term "Paki" just to shorten the word to describe the customer who was getting the product. Now I am under investigation. It was an accident.
Community AnswerAccidents happen, and racist language is no exception to that. Just tell the investigator the truth and apologize. Assuming this is a first offense, you will probably just be reprimanded, and perhaps asked to undergo sensitivity training. Just accept this gracefully, and do not use that word again in the future.
Advertisement
References
- ↑ https://www.ohrc.on.ca/en/examples-racial-discrimination-fact-sheet
- ↑ https://www.splcenter.org/sites/default/files/speak_up_2021_edit.pdf
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/tps-tps0000052.pdf
- ↑ https://blog.oup.com/2019/04/racist-jokes-worse-racist-statements/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/humor-sapiens/201107/does-racist-humor-promote-racism
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/janicegassam/2021/08/31/ive-been-called-out-for-causing-racial-harm-what-do-i-do-now/
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/janicegassam/2021/08/31/ive-been-called-out-for-causing-racial-harm-what-do-i-do-now/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-for-talking-about-tough-topics/
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-say-sorry-and-mean-it
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_an_apology_must_do
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/making_an_effective_apology
- ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm
- ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_three_parts_of_an_effective_apology
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_three_parts_of_an_effective_apology
About This Article
Gera Anderson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Gera Anderson, PsyD. Dr. Gera Anderson is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with more than five years of experience. She specializes in integrated behavioral health, neuropsychological assessment, and pain management, and has worked in community mental health settings, correctional facilities, psychiatric hospitals, and schools. Dr. Anderson received an MEd from The University of Minnesota, Twin Cities and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University. This article has been viewed 81,222 times.
Co-authors: 21
Updated: January 4, 2023
Views: 81,222
Categories: Making Apologies | Racism
Advertisement
