How to Adjust when an Adult Parent Remarries

Last Updated: December 20, 2021 References

If one of your parents is getting remarried, it's normal to have mixed emotions about it. For tips on how to cope with this change and accept your parent's new marriage, read on.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Minimizing Negativity

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Challenge your misconceptions about your new step-parent. If you find yourself immediately against the idea of Mom or Dad getting remarried, check your motives. Try to identify what's behind your dislike of your future step-parent. This could help you reduce the negativity surrounding the union and prevent a potential rift between you and your parent.^{[1]
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- For instance, if the step-parent is significantly younger than your parent, are you playing into societal stereotypes about age-gap relationships? Perhaps you are worried that this person is only marrying your parent for their money
- If this is the case, acknowledge this by having a candid conversation with your parent and seeing them with their future spouse. You can say, “Dad, I'm a little concerned about you marrying such a young woman.” See what he says. Getting your worries off your chest early can prevent any explosive issues down the road.
- You can also spend more time with the new couple. Seeing your parent with their new love can help abate any concerns you have about your new step-parent, and help you see how happy this person is making your parent.
2
Show respect for the relationship, even if you don't agree with it. Even if you come to realize that you are not so fond of your parent's new love, recognize that you parent doesn't have to have your permission to remarry. However, they probably would love to have your support. At the very least, show respect for the relationship by being polite with the new spouse and avoiding gossip or bad-mouthing with others.^{[2]
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- As hard as it may be, show respect. Call the new spouse by their preferred name and be cordial as you would with anyone of their age group, such as saying “Yes, ma'am” or “No, sir.” Showing this level of deference will actually put you on Mom or Dad's good side since they will be pleased you are trying to be welcoming to their new love.
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3
Refrain from comparing. When you see a new man or woman on your parent's arm, it's typical to hearken back to the days when that person was your other parent. Tread carefully, however. Remember that you're opening yourself up for disappointment if you continuously compare the new spouse to your own parent. If you catch yourself doing this, stop right away.^{[3]
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- Try to remind yourself that your parent's new spouse is companion for your parent. Consider how you might like your family to treat someone new that you brought home and try to treat your parent's new spouse the same way.
- You can also minimize comparisons by trying to find some positives in this new person. Notice how they make your Mom's eyes light up whenever she's paid a compliment. Pay attention to how your Dad's new wife enjoys baking. Think of all the ways this person is helping your parent, rather than dwelling on how they are alike or different than your other parent.
4
Direct attention to your own life. Chances are, if your parent has been single for a while, you may have been devoting a great deal of your attention to caring for them or keeping them company. Now that your single parent has found love, you can focus more attention on yourself again.
- Rather than taking the negative approach and thinking that this new person is encroaching on your time with your parent, see it as an opportunity to re-focus on yourself. Now that your mother or father has a new spouse you can dedicate more time to reaching your own goals.
- Consider taking a new class, reviving your social calendar, or traveling more. Think of ways you can use your additional free time to bring positive changes into your life.
- Remind yourself that the new situation is positive for your parent even if the new spouse has affected your life in some way, such as reducing your parent's free time and limiting their ability to watch your children for you when you are at work.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Striving for Acceptance

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Get closure about your parents' relationship. Adult stepchildren may be resistant to a parent remarrying because you have identified with the previous family unit for so long. You may feel that a accepting a new marriage is disloyal to your deceased or divorced mother or father. Building a relationship with a new stepparent may feel like a betrayal to the memory of your original family unit.
- Keep in mind that these feelings are normal. Allow yourself plenty of time to adjust to the new situation.
- This can also happen if you have not fully dealt with your grief surrounding the previous death or divorce. You can find closure surrounding your previous family unit by performing a ritual of sorts. Try writing a letter to both parents sharing your feelings about the new marriage. Write out your fears, worries, or dislike. Then, rip up the letter or throw it into a fire symbolizing you releasing these feeling and welcoming the new change. Don't allow the letter to circulate because this may cause problems.
- It may also be helpful to see a professional therapist regarding unresolved grief. A therapist can offer additional exercises to help you find closure and develop the necessary acceptance you need to support your parent's new marriage.
- Remember that this situation may be even more difficult for you if you were close with your parent or if the divorce/death was recent.
2
Express your joy that your parent found love. It can be hard to accept the marriage if you don't like your parent's new love interest, or you feel disloyal to your other parent. However, there is one thing that should be relatively easy to do regarding the new union: be happy because your parent found someone.
- Temporarily set aside your own feelings about the relationship to perform an honest assessment. Does your father or mother appear to be happy with their new mate? Do you notice them smiling or laughing more often? Are they trying new things or getting out of the house more now that they have found love?
- Despite your reservations, you can demonstrate happiness that your parent has found companionship. Say this, even if it is difficult for you. For instance, you might say, “Mom, I still feel resistant to the idea of your getting remarried, but I can see how happy you are with Paul. I'm glad you're happy.”^{[4]
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3
Make an effort to build a relationship with your parent's new spouse. One of the main reasons you could be struggling to accept the new marriage is because the new love interest is mysterious to you. If you remove the mystery, you may find that you actually like your parent's new spouse. Trying to get to know this person may help you gain acceptance and figure out the role this person will play in your life. Plus, it will demonstrate to your parent that you are trying to welcome their love into the family.^{[5]
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- Offer to go to lunch alone with your parent's new partner to better get to know them. You might even break the ice by being candid with them about your reservations. Say something like, “Molly, I'll be honest with you…I'm very protective of Dad. I want to make sure you have his best interests in mind.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Becoming a Family

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Host a gathering so everyone can make acquaintance. Help make the new spouse feel welcome and get some points from your parent by planning a family gathering of sorts. Invite all your siblings and step-siblings to attend so that everyone gets an opportunity to meet and break the ice. Remember, just because you are making an effort welcome the new spouse into the family does not mean you are betraying your other parent.^{[6]
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- Try to reinforce being respectful and polite to your other siblings or children who may be resistant to the new spouse. You might say, “Dad clearly loves her, guys. Let's try to give her a chance for him. Okay?”
- It can especially help if the other divorced parent gives his/her “blessing” about the new marriage. This can help all the rest of the family show more support and respect for the new spouse.
- Try to be patient with other family members who take longer to warm up to the new person. They might just need more time.
2
Maintain one-on-one time with your parent. A common fear for adult step-children is that they will lose Mom or Dad's attention to the new partner. Thinking that you won't get to see your parent as much can cause you to feel resentment towards the spouse. Overcome this barrier to blended adult step-families by scheduling regular alone time with your parent.
- Make it a weekly or monthly event to take your parent out to lunch on Sundays or attend a matinee showing at the Cinema the first Friday of every month. That way, you can assure that you spend one-on-one time with your parent just like before the new marriage.
- Be sensitive about your parent's schedule and need to spend time with their new spouse.
3
Be open and honest with your parent about sensitive topics. Adult step-children are frequently concerned with how a new marriage affects the financial affairs of their parent or changes their inheritance. This is yet another reason why you may be hesitant to welcome a new spouse into the family.
- Instead of harboring resentment for the new spouse, have a direct conversation with your parent about any sensitive concerns you have. You might say, “Mom, I hate to be so forward, but how will your new marriage affect our inheritance?” or “Dad, I understand that spouses are usually in charge of these things, but is it okay if I remain in control of your health care and estate for a while? I just don't want to overwhelm your new wife with all this responsibility.”^{[7]
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