How to Forget Someone

Last Updated: January 1, 2022 References Approved

We've all been there: even though you parted ways with someone, it feels like the person is still haunting your mind. When you break up with someone or end a friendship, it can take months or even years to get the person out of your head. If you don't take action to replace those thoughts with something positive, memories and "what ifs" will run circles in your mind without stopping. By letting go of the past, changing the way you think and making new memories, you can forget the person who is causing you to feel empty, sad or angry. See Step 1 to start forgetting.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Letting the Past Go

1
Get closure. Do you find yourself having imaginary conversations with the person you can't forget? You think that if only you could tell him or her one more thing, everything would be different. If you still have an issue you haven't addressed with the person you're trying to forget, it will be a lot harder to get the person out of your mind. That feeling of something being unfinished is pretty much impossible to force out, so it might be a good idea to find a way to get some closure. Once you no longer have unfinished business with the person, your feelings will feel a lot less raw, and they'll eventually start to fade.^{[1]
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- If there's something you kept from the person you can't forget, it might make you feel better to reveal it. You might owe the person an apology or feel there's something you want to explain. Consider writing it down in an email or letter and sending it to the person, so you don't have to renew contact in person.
- Be honest with yourself about whether it's feasible to get in touch with the person again. If you broke up 2 years ago and your boyfriend has moved in with his new girlfriend, it's not going to make you feel better to confront him with questions about why he cheated. You'll just end up feeling sad and angry, with a helping of embarrassment to make things even worse.
- Try writing a letter and throwing it away. When renewing contact isn't appropriate, or you have no desire to really talk to the person, you can still get some closure by writing all your thoughts out as though you were confronting the person.^{[2]
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  Research source} Get it all on paper, but throw out or burn the letter instead of sending it. It will be a cathartic experience without any messy consequences.
2
Don't try to make sense of it. Everything seemed perfect, but something happened and it all went sour. If only you could pinpoint the reason things changed, you could go back and make it right. Right? Actually, no. It's natural for the mind to try to sort things out into logical patterns, but there's rarely a concrete reason for feelings changing. Going over and over the past to find answers will only sap your mental energy and leave you feeling worse. What happened is in the past, and dwelling on it isn't going to help you forget the person causing you so much heartache.^{[3]
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- Try not to replay past events in your mind. You're training your mind to call up these memories too often. The more you think about what happened, the more you'll keep thinking about it.
3
Get rid of souvenirs. It can be hard to let go of things that remind you of someone you once loved. You might have pictures, mementos, letters, and other items that were given to you by the person you can't forget. Bringing yourself to put the stuff away, no matter how hard it is to do so, is a positive step in the right direction. If you're surrounded by reminders of the person, how can you be expected to forget?
- The best thing to do is throw everything away. Donate it, recycle it, or burn it if you can. If you can't bring yourself to do so, you can put it all in a nondescript box and stow it in the far recesses of your closet. However, having it around could tempt you to peek inside from time to time, which can set you back in your efforts to forget.
- Get rid of digital souvenirs as well. Delete texts. Delete pictures that were posted online. Delete emails, too. Anything that has the power to make you feel emotional about the person should be removed. You might want to unfriend the person on Facebook and delete his or her contact info from your phone, too.
4
Take away the pedestal. Many of us have a tendency to let the passage of time erase a person's flaws. Maybe you've forgotten all the fights you had with your ex, and all you can remember is how beautiful her hair looked when you walked together in the sun, and how good it felt to be with each other each night when the evening came to a close. You might think you'll never have that feeling again, and that your ex is the one who got away. If you're going to forget her, you need to take away the pedestal you've put her on and remember things the way they really were.
- Try writing down all the reasons the relationship ended, whether it was a friendship, a romantic relationship or something else entirely. Be completely honest.
- It doesn't have to be a laundry list of the person's negative traits. There are many good reasons for a relationship to end. "We had different goals." "She didn't understand the real me." "I was a different person then." Trust that there was a good reason for the relationship to end, whether it was you or the other person who initiated the breakup.
5
Be confident you can forget. If the memory of the person you're trying to forget has been haunting you for awhile now, you may think you'll never get past it. People say "time heals all wounds," so why hasn't yours healed yet? It will. By reading this article and taking steps to change the way you think, you're taking the right steps. It's not going to happen overnight, but you will eventually move on. You can't completely erase someone from your brain, but you can definitely get rid of their hold on your emotions, and you're already on your way.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Adjusting Your Thought Patterns

1
Learn how to be in the moment. When your thoughts are constantly turning toward what might have been, it's hard to pay attention to what's happening right now. But when you notice what's happening and engage with the present, there's no room in your mind for past memories and worries. The practice of focusing on the present moment is called mindfulness, and it can really help.^{[4]
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Research source} Here are a few things you can try when your thoughts won't stop swirling with memories of the person you don't want to think about:
- Notice where you're sitting or standing. Pay attention to how your body feels, and be attuned to your immediate surroundings. Turn your thoughts to what is happening right now - your feet walking across pavement, the breeze on your cheek, a person's laughter skipping across the wind. Refocus each time a memory threatens to consume you.
- Say something out loud. Making a sound will quickly reorient your thoughts to the present. Say something like "I am here," or "this is the present." It sounds strange, but speaking will help you get control of your thoughts.
2
Ground yourself. You simply can't go back and change things, no matter how much you want to. As painful as it is to realize that, reminding yourself often can help you forget. Have a plan for getting back to the real world when memories of the person threaten to ruin your day. Grounding yourself in the present will help your mind and body remember that now is what matters, not then. Here are a few things you can do:
- Talk to a friend.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Julia Yacoob, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.} Give someone a call and have a good, long conversation - about subjects having nothing to do with that person.
- Do something physical. Go for a walk, run or swim. Take out your dog, or go to a yoga class. Moving your body has the amazing effect of clearing your mind.
- Do something sensual. Cook a delicious meal or take a long bath with a glass of wine. Go to a concert or a baseball game. Do something that stimulates all of your senses. Try to do things that are most healing for you.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Julia Yacoob, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.}
3
Embrace distractions. When things get really overwhelming, it's ok to lose yourself in distractions from time to time. Distractions can be good, because they give your mind a break and help you remember that it is possible to think about things aside from your main worry.
- Reading, watching movies and shows, and playing video games are all distractions that can be healing. Try to consume media with content that doesn't remind you of the person you want to forget.
- Losing yourself to distractions sometimes is different from having an escapist lifestyle. It's important not to start watching TV or playing games all the time.
- Similarly, don't turn to alcohol or drugs to distract yourself. People are more prone to forming addictions when they use substance abuse as a way to escape negative feelings.
4
Have faith that life will be good again. The thought that the best time of your life has already passed can be crippling. If the person you're obsessing over represents what you consider your golden years, it's no wonder you're having trouble letting go. It's time to turn your thoughts to the present and future, and realize that you have plenty to look forward to.
- If you're missing someone you loved, you'll eventually get to the point where you can enjoy the memories and the relationship for what it was, and the part it played in the story of your life.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Embracing New Things

1
Have new experiences. There's no better way to forget someone than to make some new memories. It's common for people who just went through a divorce, a breakup, or some other type of loss to spend time traveling and experimenting with new things. That's because embracing the new can really help clear out those cobwebs and refocus your mind.
- Go somewhere you've never been, even if it's just a few towns over.
- Try out a new hobby.
- Take a class.
- Go out more often.
- Listen to new music.
- Eat at new restaurants.
- Act like a tourist in your town and visit landmarks you've never been to.
- Explore local parks and nature sanctuaries.
- Go to museums.
- Go to festivals and fairs.
2
Be interested in the world. Having a keen interest in the world around you goes hand in hand with mindfulness. Instead of being in your own head all the time, look outward, and engage. Thinking about matters other than your own issues takes practice. Even if it doesn't come easily at first, fake it - eventually, you'll see how much more interesting the present is than the past.
- Find out what's going on in your community. Get involved in local politics and have an opinion on issues that affect you and the people around you.
- Really listen when you're talking to people. Think about where they're coming from instead of worrying about yourself.
- Find ways to help others. Volunteering is a great way to get out of your own head.
3
Change your environment. If you're still living in the same place you shared with the person you're trying to forget, it can be hard to escape the memories. Changing things up is a big help. Even if moving isn't feasible, there's a lot you can do to freshen up your environment.
- Rearrange the furniture.
- Paint the walls.
- Get a few new things, like some throw pillows or a new lamp.
- Take a different route to work, instead of the same old one you've always taken.
4
Give yourself a makeover. Changing a few things about your body can also give you a new lease on life. The goal isn't to become a whole new person, but to make a few changes that will help you feel like you're entering a new stage - a happy, healthy, mindful one. Here are a few ideas:
- Change your hair. Dye it, cut it, or style it differently.
- Get a few new pieces to add to your wardrobe. Try a style you don't normally try, or a color you don't normally choose.
- Buy new personal items. Have you used the same deodorant brand for 15 years? Do you always wear the same perfume? Switch things up!
- Try a new exercise.
- Eat something different for breakfast.
5
Meet new people. Filling your life with new personalities is a great way to erase the person you want to forget. Find positive, inspiring people to spend time around.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.} Whether your aim is to make new friends or find someone special to have a romantic relationship with, meeting new people is an exciting way to get reengaged with the world. Before you know it, your mind will be full of plans and possibilities, and the person you want to forget will finally recede from your mind.

Expert Q&A

Question

What can I do if I want to forget someone?

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

Julia Yacoob, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Everyone has a different approach to it. Try to do what is most healing for you. Some people like to be alone, mourn, and have space. But others prefer to be with friends and socialize more. Some take a break from dating, while others go back into it.
Question

How can I manage my feelings after a break-up?

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

Julia Yacoob, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Take responsibility for what you may have done wrong to bring about the break-up. Think kindly about your ex because they are also facing the impact of the break-up.